Darby Burl's No Bullshit Reviews: Wonder Woman

Let's look past the fact that battle armor that don't cover your keister is as ‘bout as useful as tits on a bull. And the fact that a black-haired Amazonian on an island of warrior women ain't got no fuzzle in her underpits.

Them feminist nambly pamblies got their britches in a bunch over the wrong thangs.

I can mosey along with the baby-butt smooth pits and the skimpy garments. Because comic book hero. But let me get this straight: you're the baddest warrior on an island of warriors, train for hours every day with the general of your country's army, sprint around in metal clod-hoppers and have the muscle volume of Kim K? That just ain't make no sense.

Sure the action scenes were like a spinning wheel of nard-kicks to the patriarchy. Sure Gal Gadot is arguably hotter than a goat's butt in a pepper patch. Sure the movie made me feel like marching right outta my cabin, grabbing the world by the balls and curb-stomping every dingly-dongle in a ten-mile radius. And, yeah, when she went all Super Saiyan on them bad guys I could feel my estrogen squirtin' outta my pores.

But the muscles. Where was them muscles?

I been swangin' axes 'longside lady lumberjacks since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I know what strong women look like. And if you swang around a heavy metal sword and shield all day and can lift Nazi tanks off the ground, guarantee you gonna look less like straight-haired 1980's Cher and more like 1980's Arnold Schwarzenegger in a black wig.

It ain’t like there ain’t plenty-o female bodybuilders out there who coulda looked more the part. Dana Lynn Bailey,Lexi Berriman, Chrissy Wells: all prettier than crocuses in January and stronger than the sun in July. And 'fore you get your titties twisted ‘bout their acting skills or lack thereof... it’s a superhero movie. No acting skills required.

And while we are on the subject of casting…

Ain’t nobody that seen Harry Potter believe Professor Lupin could be anyone but Professor Lupin. That guy has snuggle-snaggle, fav’rit teacher look scritten into every beautiful wrinkle on his face and, got-tammit, he will be Professor Lupin to me until the day he kick the bucket. Encasing that scrawny lil’ feller in spiky armor jus’ made me laugh, like when I put my husband’s tactical sunglasses on my chihuahua.

Thirdly—what the heeeeeeeellllll mang! Eugene Brave Rock representin' the Blackfoot tribe! Shout out to y'all reading this—OKI NIKSOKOWA ya’ll! NII TAK KO TA MAT TSI NO when I visit Montana in July! Hoo-ee!Looking past “Chief’s” groan-worthy name and smoke signal moment, he was my favorite dudee-yo on the show! It did seem a bit weird-o to me that they wrote it so a white woman had to come teach him how to fight Nazis. At the risk of stereotypin’ myself, everyone who’s anyone knows Native Americans know theys way ‘round fightin’ white men hell-bent on eradicatin’ em. And, um, ‘skuse my language, but ain’t he come ‘cross a bit like a cliché to the point it was racist?

And, finally, to get down to the nitty gritty, what's got me more confused than a fart in a fan factory is that they didn't cast the real-life Wonder Woman, Darby Burl, who has punched more XY chromosome-bearing dinkwads in the craw than Floyd Mayweather, and has the criminal record to prove it.

I give this show a half a hoo-dee hoo on a scale from chicken turds to yippety-yeehaw.

Did y'all get a gander of Wonder Woman? What did ya think? (I mean aside from the fact Darby Burl would do it better). Leave your two cents in the comments.