10 Asinine Things Folks Say About the Harry Potter Movies

If you haven't read the Harry Potter series, watched the Harry Potter films, or had a conversation that has mentioned Harry Potter, I seriously question whether you're a sentient human being. But, that's just me!

A few nights ago, my dad and I were flipping through the channels trying to find something to watch. Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives was on like usual, but I would rather have gotten a lobotomy. Thus, our search continued. Pops said, "What about Fox News Sunday?" I replied, "Shoot me." He said, "What about South Park?" I replied, "What about I overdose on cough syrup?" We went back-and-forth until we stumbled upon the formerly-ABC-now-Freeform channel, who was brilliantly showcasing a Harry Potter marathon. On a normal day, I'd watch something else; however, we were desperate, so Harry Potter it was!

We caught the ending of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1, and I was immediately tickled by how enthralled with the movie my dad was. It was great. As an admirer of the series (and all things Professor McGonagall), it took less than a minute for me to become a vegetable glued to the television screen.

Seriously, when ABC decides to air a Harry Potter marathon, it should come with a warning: Dear viewing members, once you exceed the minimum watch time of one minute, please clear your schedule.

To be frank, I freaking love Harry Potter, but I get annoyed quickly when talking to others about my obsession. Usually, (because the person I'm talking to is normal) I find myself irked at the constant use of clichés with so-called Harry Potter fans.

Here are 10 common-but-asinine things people instinctively say when talking about Harry Potter.

1. "If Harry Potter was real life, I'd play Harry."

No, no you wouldn't. When women say that, I'm especially agitated. It's biologically impossible for a woman to play the character of Harry Potter! Besides, there's a thousand other characters to be played. What about Hermione Granger? After reading all of the books, I kind of want to be Severus Snape. Then again, I'd like to play the love interest of Oliver Wood. (I know he's a fictional character, but I think I'd be really good for him.)

2. "Voldemort is the super villain of all villains."

Yeah, I'd like to argue that he most certainly is not a mega-villain. As a kid who grew up in the late 1990s and early 2000s, I'd like to nominate three individuals for mega-villain status: Ivan Ooze from Power Rangers, Scar from Lion King, and of course, Carrigan Crittenden (the bad lady) from Casper. Voldemort - a.k.a. Tom Riddle - has such a lonely pre-Hogwarts existence that when I read the books, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him at times. Then again, he killed Harry's parents (blah, blah, blah), so maybe he is a super bad guy. Is he a mega-villain, though? It's up to you, I guess!

3. "I've always felt bad for Ron. He's always overshadowed by Harry."

I agree that Ron is overshadowed, but then again, look at what the attention does to Harry. Ron has both of his parents and a ton of loving siblings. He has the family life that Harry craves. Furthermore, Ron is to Harry as Sam was to Frodo. At the end of The Lord of The Rings, Sam carries Frodo into Mount Doom. Therefore, without Sam, Middle Earth would still be a crappy place to live! At the end of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Ron wins the game of chess—risking his own life I may add—with the hope that Harry will prevail and move onto the next phase.

Without Ron, Harry would've failed or been dead a long time ago.

4. "Is the guy that plays Hagrid really that big?"

No. Now, that was easy.

5. "Harry Potter had it bad. At least Neville's parents are alive, right?"

Wrong! Neville's parents are alive, true (albeit stupid); however, they were tortured so badly with the Cruciatus curse that they have no idea what's happening around them. They're insane. In fact, they're so insane that it's only a matter of time until they both start stalking Jodie Foster. When Neville and his grandmother visit the Longbottoms, neither Frank nor Alice recognize their own son! As Sirius Black says, "They suffered a fate worse than death." So, no, Neville has it worse.

6. "I'm team Dumbledore."

Yeah, we all are! Do you think there's a large swath of Harry Potter admirers who are down with Voldemort? If you do, ball your right hand up into a fist, and quickly ram it into your face. (I'm asking you to punch yourself because I'm a sly devil.) When I first read the series, I have to admit that I did think Albus Dumbledore was a bit of a manipulative twat, but when I stand back and see the big picture, I suppose he was a good guy. He was a great guy—a fantastic guy!

7. "If quidditch was a real sport, I'd be playing it 24/7."

Technically, it is a real sport, and judging by your reading of this article, you're not playing. Thus, you're a liar (we all are. There's a club you can be a part of). Let's be real, if you were playing quidditch, you probably wouldn't be that good. If I played, I'd be the laughing stock of Hogwarts. I'm no Oliver Wood or Angeline Johnson, but I am good with a broom (around the house).

8. "Why didn't Snape own up to his actions sooner?"

And ruin the endings of both the books and movies? Get out of here, Francis! No way. Besides, Professor Severus Snape didn't want anybody knowing about his duplicity. Oh, and he was an active spy for the death eaters, so in the infamous words of our favorite valley girl, "As if!" Can you imagine the rest of the series if Snape had owned up to his love for Lily and allegiance to Dumbledore in the first fifteen minutes of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone? Me either.

9. "I hate the Malfoys."

What an astute and wholly unique observation! WRONG! We all hate the Malfoys. There's more people on this Earth that hate the Malfoys than live in China, and there's a crap ton of global citizens living in that smog-filled hell hole, okay. Saying you like the Malfoys is like saying you like painful diarrhea.

I love Narcissa Malfoy's hairstyle because it's super sexy for an evil chick. If I was an evil heiress, that would definitely be my go-to look; however, I'm not evil. I'm a good person, and because of this, I freaking hate the Malfoys. At the end of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets when Lucius Malfoy practically punts Dobby down the hall, my blood starts to boil. Case and point: The Malfoys suck. We know!

10. "It sucked that Sirius Black had to die."

But it was cool that Harry's parents were tragically murdered on their young son's first birthday? Gotcha. It did suck that Sirius Black had to die, but why would anyone feel the need to insert this in a conversation? It's not like when Sirius died the whole theater erupted in thunderous (minus the rain) applause. "Sirius is dead. Thank God!" You don't need to state the obvious in these types of discussions. If you're a bleed-for-the-cause fan, you won't bring up universal truths.

When discussing solutions for the flooding situation in Houston last week, do you think there were a ton of people who kept saying, "Yeah, we need to get rid of the water. Let's get those water levels down. The water has got to go!" Duh! No, when Harry Potter lovers get together, they want to talk about haunting mysteries or meaningful scenes, such as the connection between the Peverall family and Harry Potter, the similarities between Harry and Neville, and the back story of Dumbledore. Please, leave the generalizations at home in your sock drawer!

I'm going to conclude this article in one sentence, and that sentence is this one, so good night America!