10 Movies I Shouldn’t Have Watched with My Girlfriend

Spending a quiet Friday night on the couch in comfy clothes, indulging in an abundance of junk food, and escaping to the transcendent world of Netflix has become the focal point of modern dating. Just as kids in the 50s took their honeys to the drive-in movie for a gosh darn good time, we millennials have escalated the comfort and convenience by bringing the cinematic wonders and occasional nookie to the solitude of our own abodes. Though I am a man whose longest relationship has been with his mother, I’ve still had my share of both sweeping romances and uniquely awkward hang outs. So, as you would deduce, I have experienced Netflix and Chill a-plenty. And through all of those encounters and experiences, I have retained some very useful information. The most important thing I have learned, though, is what NOT to watch with that special someone. Now, this list can’t speak for all women, obviously, but in your old pal Mark’s experience, these are (in no order) the 10 movies I should NOT have watched with my girlfriend.

'MacGruber'

MacGruber is a 2010 action comedy starring Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Val Kilmer, and Maya Rudolph. It follows buffoonish ex-military operative MacGruber as he seeks to stop the destructive plan of the man who killed his wife. The movie is a real guilty pleasure for me because the humour is so ridiculous and raunchy, and it gives such a hilarious take on the clichés of modern action flicks. ALL SHE DID WAS COMPLAIN. “What?” “Ew!” and “What the f*ck are we watching?” were a few pieces of the endless commentary she seemed to have throughout the entire film. The humour was not only too raunchy, but it was also full of self-aware stupid humour. Those self-aware stupid jokes went right over her head in that she saw them as just stupid attempts at jokes, rather than the intentional irony behind the clichés and juvenile dialogue.

'I Spit On Your Grave' (2010)

I Spit on Your Grave is a horror revenge story, following a woman who was raped by a gang of lowlifes and left for dead in the woods. She survives the attack unbeknownst to her attackers, and stirs herself up some gory, painful vengeance. The original was released in 1978, but the 2010 remake was all that was on Netflix. As you would imagine, my girlfriend was pretty disturbed watching these graphic scenes of rape and physical/psychological torture, and remained pretty unfulfilled throughout despite the protagonist taking her revenge. Now she told me she liked horror movies, so I figured most things were fair game. I find with girls, there are two extremes but no in between: they either literally will not watch a scary movie at all costs, or they LIVE for horror. There’s no casual in-between, but this girl embodied that in-between, so I thought my theory was false. Unlike with every film on this list, though, I was right in the end. Her casual horror taste could not quite handle the hurricane of I Spit on Your Grave, and for that cinematic psychological trauma, I am very sorry.

'Just Go With It'

Just Go With It is another one of Adam Sandler’s contributions to his latest movement of “I’m going to go on vacation, and make a movie about a character going to this same destination.” A lighthearted comedy lead by The Sand-Man (Adam) and Jennifer Aniston, a huge mess of lies and hijinks lead to a fake blended family vacation to Hawaii. Here’s where this one differs from the last two films… my girlfriend LOVED this one. So, you ask me, “Mark, she really liked this one. So what’s the problem?” I’ll tell you what the damn problem is… THAT’S ALL WE WATCHED EVERY TIME WE HUNG OUT. She loved it so much, she just wanted to watch it every time we had a moment to sit. I’d lean in for a kiss or something and she’d catapult me away like she’s in a bear attack because, “I’m trying to watch!” I pick a movie, she hates it, and I lose. I pick a movie, she loves it, and I still lose?

'IT' (2017)

She’s scared of clowns. I walked right into that one.

'That's My Boy'

Poor Adam Sandler. I feel like so many of his movies make these lists that involve “don’t watch” in the title. This one is about a 13 year old whose affair with his teacher results in a pregnancy, and follows Adam Sandler’s character’s journey of trying to reconnect with this reluctant child years later. It’s another guilty pleasure for me because of the raunchy humour and scorching ‘80s rock soundtrack. Much like with MacGruber, she expressed a strong distaste throughout the entire movie. I’ll admit Adam Sandler’s drunken Billy Madison baby voice for 90 minutes is revolting, but it took her to the point of yelling at me. She also hates Andy Samberg, who plays the son, and thought the incest twist at the end was a step too far. I’ll also admit, I didn’t help her conclusion on the film by impersonating Adam Sandler’s voice in it out in public to annoy her…

Any of the 'Star Wars' Films

I have tried with almost every relationship, with different films of the saga, and they ALL hated them. They didn’t get it, there was too much going on, they hated space for some weird reason, nobody was willing to be my Leia (or Padme, depending on the relationship). I find the same with Star Wars as I do with horror films: girls either live for it, or detest it. No in between. Prove me wrong and find me a girl that says “Star Wars was alright.” You can’t. It’s one of those urban legends, like crocodiles in the sewer or pineapple belonging on pizza.

'Hot Rod'

After I made her watch MacGruber and That’s My Boy, she just slept during this one. Savage. She probably still wouldn’t have liked it, though, for the offbeat humour and outlandish random scenes.

'Evil Dead' (2013)

Again, this one has an original that was released in 1981, but Netflix seems to hate the past. This one is about a group of 20-somethings that go out to a spooky cabin in the woods to support their friend in her drug rehabilitation, and, as we’ve all done while camping before, accidentally release a demonic supernatural entity that possesses and kills everyone. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me, amiright? This movie is soaked in blood and gore, even having a sequence where it literally rains blood. My girlfriend at the time was so nauseated by blood, so the whole movie for me was what I imagine my parents felt when they used to watch me inhale that entire bag of Halloween candy in 20 minutes. Long story short, she should have watched it with a bucket…

'Frozen'

This is another case where I have paid for her liking the movie we watched. If you’ve been a breathing human in the last few years, you’re pretty well aware of Disney’s cash cow Frozen. It is definitely a modern classic. How did I pay for her enjoyment of it you ask? I’m a total Scrooge when it comes to Disney movies. Couldn’t stand them as a kid, and they make me cringe now. My girlfriend at the time LOVED Frozen, SANG ALONG to EVERY SONG, RECITED THE LINES back to the screen, and of course wouldn’t let me say a word as to not interrupt the sweeping tale. Needless to say, I was not a fan of that pick.

'The Wolf Of Wall Street'

Margot Robbie gets naked in it. Have fun explaining to your girl why the blanket suddenly turned into a tent.

Watching movies on the couch with your significant other/crush/complicated can be one of the best ways to spend a chilly night. But please don’t take these words lightly; you’ll wanna avoid these flicks at all costs. I know I sound like a bit of a doink, but in all seriousness, these girls were all great sports for giving me the chance to share with them the films that I was excited about. It’s extremely important in relationships to explore your partner’s interests, even if sometimes they traumatize you.

Do you have any movies that you regret watching with a significant other? Let me know!

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