5 Disney Channel Original Movies and the Awful Lessons They Teach

Some of my favorite childhood movies were the Disney Channel Original Movies, (DCOMs). When I think of DCOMs I think of movies like High School Musical and Halloweentown, fun movies that have great moral lessons. If you're like me and you rewatched some DCOMs instead of going to class in college, you noticed that some of the movies have weird messages. For those of you that are productive members of society and don't have time to rewatch old Disney Channel movies, here's a list of the movies with particularly bad lessons.

5) Full Court Miracle

Full Court Miracle is not just a way for Disney to remind their audience when Hanukah is; it’s actually a fairly entertaining movie. It follows Alex and his friends as they try to get better at basketball with the help of Lamont, a random stranger they found in the park. To emphasize that it’s a Hanukah movie, Alex and his friends think that Lamont is the ghost of Judah the Maccabee. Because if there’s anything I learned in Hebrew school it’s that Judah was a former collegiate star looking for another shot at the NBA.

The Terrible Lesson: Trust Random Strangers, Especially If They’re Homeless.

The “villains” of the movie are Alex’s mom and teacher. These two evil women think that it’s irresponsible to allow a stranger that these kids found in a park to come into the school and teach the kids. Shockingly they're right. Lamont lies to the staff because he lives out of his van. Now, I'm not saying everyone who lives in a van is evil, but you understand the bad lesson here. Since it’s a Disney movie, Lamont ends up being a great guy who helps this band of losers win the tournament, but in reality stories about homeless men who take money from kids and make them run around in a park usually end very differently.

4) The Luck of the Irish

The Luck of the Irish was a movie about a kid named Kyle and what happens when he learns that his family is actually a bunch of leprechauns. They go on an adventure to get their stolen luck back. Without their luck they will continue to shrink and grow beards and Vulcan ears, you know, normal leprechaun stuff.

The Terrible Lesson:Being Irish Isn’t As Cool As Being American.

In order to get his luck back from Seamus McTiernen, Kyle makes a wager. Kyle must beat him at "sports" and if he wins he gets his luck back. Besides teaching children that all Irish people have last names like McTiernen, there’s an even worse lesson here. Kyle and Seamus play several different sports, the ones that Kyle wins are the ones similar to American sports, throwing and kicking a ball through goal posts and breakdancing. After these events, Kyle and Seamus both have 3 points. Kyle then challenges him to basketball and if he wins Seamus must go to the land of Kyle’s father. Kyle wins and sends Seamus to the worst place on earth, Cleveland. Kyle was able to win and help his family because of his American background, his Irish heritage didn't help him at all. This reinforces the lesson, ignore your stupid heritage because being American is way cooler.

And no, having them sing “This land is your land” at the end of the movie doesn’t change that lesson.

3) Smart House

If you've seen this movie then you remember it one of two ways. If you watched it when it first came out in 1999, you remember it as the house you wanted growing up. Smart house is about a house that is voice controlled and can do anything, which before Siri was mind blowing. If you're on the young side and the first time you saw it was years later, then you remember it as the movie that taught you that you can’t get phone calls when someone was on the internet in the 90s.

The Terrible Lesson: Get Over Your Dead Mom You Baby

I know Disney loves dead Moms, but this seems a little harsh. The reason Ben wants to win a smart house is because he doesn’t want his dad to think they need a mom. Ben’s mom died when he was a kid and for some crazy reason Ben is sad about it. He even gets punished for it, Pat (The House) sees him watching old videos of his mom and crying, so she tries to be more of a mom to the family. That leads to her going crazy and somehow turning into a tornado (that part always confused me.) If Ben didn’t love his mom none of this would have happened and everyone would be happy.

2) Zenon

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you see the title Zenon? Okay it's probably the song that goes Zoom Zoom Zoom. So what's the second thing? It's about Zenon, a spunky little girl who lives in a space station and overcomes the odds to save everyone aboard. What could be the bad lesson in that?

The Terrible Lesson: Ignore the Rules and Be Reckless

Zenon ignores the rules, plain and simple. I know a lot of Disney movies feature rule breakers but Zenon takes it to an extreme. Rules are important, especially rules on a space station orbiting the Earth. Zenon repeatedly ignores not only her parents but the Commander and goes into restricted areas over and over. Her parents even send her to Earth to live with her Aunt because she keeps breaking the rules and can't be trusted. Eventually she sneaks back on and saves the day by putting her earring into a computer and canceling the virus, basically the Disney version of hacking. Do you know what happens 9 times out of 10 when a teenager messes with the computer in a futuristic space station? The space colony explodes and everybody dies.

1) Brink

Even though I made this number one on the list, it will always be my favorite DCOM. Brink is a story about skaters who skate for the love of the sport not for sponsorships or ad deals. These people are called soul skaters, which is so totally radical! To soul skaters, the worst thing someone can do is skate for money. The villains of the movie are team X-Bladz, kids that get paid $200 a week to skate around with the newest gear. In 1998, $200 a week is a lot for a kid, that's enough to buy a new Tamagotchi every day!

The Terrible Lesson: Who Cares If Your Family is Poor

The philosophy of soul skating overlooked one small detail I learned from The Simpsons; money can be exchanged for goods and services. Brink (the character, not the movie) has to decide if he wants to lie to his friends and take a sponsorship deal. Brink’s father is out of work on disability and their family needs money, so Brink ignores his friends to help provide for his family, that jerk. When his friends find out they feel betrayed. Even when he explains that he needed the money to help his family, they don’t care. They’re so set on this idea of soul skating that they don’t care that Brink is trying to save his family. Brink ultimately redeems himself by quitting X-Bladz and giving up the money that could help his family. Hooray for friendship!