I would like acknowledge that not all of us were #blessed enough to grow up with the Harry Potter series, so here is a casual retelling, one book/film at a time, using film screencaps to guide you along in the most Muggle-friendly way possible. Be sure to share it with your friends to awaken the Brave Wizard F**k Boy in all of us.
Once upon a time there was a road. This road had a sign so everyone would know its name. An emo owl sat on top of said sign.
On this road landed two old people with pointy hats. They seem stressed af. Perhaps it is finals week.
The Old People leave a little baby on a doorstep. They're acting even more emo than the Road Sign Owl at this point. Notice this child's lighting bolt scar. Interesting.
About a Decade Later...
Lightning Bolt grows up and makes friends with snakes at the zoo. He tells this snake about how lonely he is because his parents are dead. Lightning Bolt was raised by his Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon (they have a son name Dudley) and they're all the worst. It's good to vent to snakes sometimes, ya feel?
One day, Lightning Bolt and Uncle Vernon get into an argument. See all those letters? They're for Lightning Bolt. And it's not because he signed up for too many mailing lists to get free stuff. Someone is actually writing to him.
"I'm sick of this mail! I'm leaving this joint forever, let's go, fools!!!!" -Uncle Vernon
And with that, they leave their home and try to escape far, far away, where no strange letters can reach Lightning Bolt.
Fear not though, Lightning has a f**k boy digital watch to let him know it's his birthday, despite being far from home.
"Oh sh*t! A giant man has brought me a letter! Happy birthday to me!"
Giant Man: Yer a wizard, Harry, not just a Lightning Bolt Scar Boy.
Harry: You're kidding.
Giant Man: Nope, dead serious... Dead like your parents, that is. An evil wizard killed them. Not a car crash. Welcome to the world of magic.
Harry: *Seen at 1:17 AM*
Harry the Wizard follows the Giant Man around. They go to the Wizarding downtown of London. One of the first stops is the bank.
Harry the F**k Boy's parents left him some money. He can buy lots of watches now, if he chooses.
Giant Man picks up a small package from a vault at the bank... Damn, it's so small.... It's like, the size of a small rock or stone or something. And it's top secret.
Wand Shopping With Harry the F**k Boy
That feeling when you learn how to use your wand for the first time ^^^^
Time to take the train to school. Let's go. All aboard. This f**k boy ain't gonna be late.
On the train, Harry gets candy and makes friends. A successful first day, if you ask me.
Harry's new school comes with it's own Paris Geller...
...and an emo greasy man. (Fun fact: he's wearing an MCR t-shirt beneath his robes).
This school hat tells F**k Boy he's hella brave, so he will live with the other brave kids like his friends from the train. The hat tells Paris Geller that he is evil, just like Mr. Emo Grease Lightning.
Harry is introduced to the game of flying Ferrero Rocher Chocolates. If you catch it, the game ends, and your team is (almost always) guaranteed victory.
Shrek invades Hogwarts?
Bookworm tries to save the day.
Time for the first game of Catch the Chocolate!
Professor Squirrel is clearly so excited to watch the game. Professor Grease Lightning is also there; he appears to be sabotaging F**k Boy.
Bookworm lights Grease Lightning on fire to protect Harry.
This is arguably one of the highlights of Grease Lightning in the series.
"I caught the chocolate! Team Bravery wins!"
It's hard to imagine how things could get better for our favorite F**k Boy.
But when Christmas comes around, he receives a cloak that used to belong to his father from an anonymous person. The cloak makes him become invisible.
"I can't believe this! How convenient!" —Lightning Bolt
At least, it's convenient until you sneak around and almost get caught by Grease Lightning and Squirrel.
Invisible F**k Boy runs away and hides in a random room he finds.
In this room, he finds an old, cool-looking mirror.
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them a— Mom? Dad?"
Why are Lightning's parents shown in the mirror?
Old Man shows up and tells him the mirror knows everyone's secret desires and dreams, and that's a dangerous thing. The mirror is going to be hidden, and Old Man warns Harry to never go looking for it again.
Meanwhile, Bookworm has been doing a lot of reading.
The three train friends have been concerned that Grease Lightning has been after the small package Giant Man took from the bank.
In a very large book, Bookworm and Friends discover that the bank item is the sorcerer's stone, a stone that can make the owner immortal.
Therefore, Grease Lightning wants to become immortal. They decide they must do what it takes to stop him.
But first... Detention.
Detention, featuring the Three Brave Amigos and Paris Geller.
Detention will be held in the dangerous forest that all students have been banned from. Unless, you know, you have detention.
Better split up in the Scary Woods, so we can be safe.
Holy sh*t, it's a dead unicorn, and a figure in a weird cloak was leaning over it. It seems the figure was drinking its blood, according to Horse Man (pictured above).
"The Scary Trees Detention was a scary night. You better behave yourselves now. Stay out of trouble." —Giant Man
"No thanks, LOL."
"I'll fight you! Stay out of trouble!"
Too late. The Three Amigos have already found themselves on their way to the secret hiding place of the Stone. Coincidentally, the first level of protection is already sleepin' (three cute doggos in one?).
Bookworm: Is this a trap to protect the stone or are we in a weird BDSM chamber?
Lightning Bolt: I don't know dude, but let's blast outta here.
These traps are nothing a first year student with mediocre magic skills and no attention span can't handle.
"It's been a long day, Bookworm. You help our redheaded buddy. Also, call Old Man for help. I'm going to save the stone."
Professor Squirrel is in the stone's hiding place.
Professor Squirrel is... undressing?
Professor Squirrel has a second face!?
The mirror is back and it knows F**k Boy is good and pure deep down, so it gives him the stone.
It sure is lit AF in this room, literally.
"Oh no you don't, you lil b*tch."
"Oh yes I do."
It's been a long day destroying evil to save a rock. Time for a nap.
"Good morning. What happened to me, Old Man?"
"You done f*cked up, but you also saved us from evil. Good job on being brave."
Bookworm is relieved that Harry saved the day (let's face it, though, it was mostly Bookworm that saved the day).
Happy F**k Boy.
Still Greasy, and now Salty.
"17,321 Points to Team Bravery for breaking the rules and not f*cking things up too badly!"
"Team Bravery is da best!"
What a great, low-stakes, relaxing year.
"See ya next year, Lightning Bolt."