And, what do you want to be when you grow up? Ah, that old chestnut. Back in the days of our younger selves the realm of fulltime employment was a myriad of exciting and adventurous possibilities. As a medalling kid, myself, I originally planned to grow up and join Mystery Incorporated.
My career path was straight forward. After a few years with Scooby and the gang, building up my CV, I then planned to take my crime fighting skills over to the TMNT team and become Master Splinters’ go-to guy for super-villain consultation and eradication.
Alas, the real world is not quite as exciting as what we originally perceived it to be. Yes, we can become a spy or even a real-life bounty hunter but the reality of the paperwork alone is enough to put me off, for life.
So, let’s imagine that all those incredible jobs depicted in the movies were real. Which one would you choose?
Below, I have listed my all-time top 6 jobs that only exist in the movies.
Job Description Overview: Volunteers Wanted! Duties include, protecting the unsuspecting public from all manner of spectral malevolence and evil. Must have experience or background knowledge in the Sciences and be able to operate a fireman’s pole effectively. Be instantly disliked by the mayor and assistant. An open-minded character is preferable. Driving license required. Proton pack training will be given upon completion of training.
Desirable Position? That’s a yes, from me. Awesome retro ride, questionably fashionable jumpsuits and Proton Packs. What’s not to love?!
Let’s not forget the weirdly erotic feelings we have toward the secretary and a friendly, yet slightly annoying, green ghost that hangs out in the office leaving slime all over your favourite shoes.
Count me in – I ain’t afraid of no ghost!
Jurassic Park Staff
Job Description Overview: A multitude of positions available. From vets to caterers we are looking for new team members to join the all new, totally safe, zoo for the extinct, Jurassic Park!
For those looking for a new challenge in animal husbandry, Jurassic Park has just the position for you. Applicants must have experience in handling large animals. Veterinary skills preferable. Must always remember to use the magic word. Use, only, the restrooms not waiting to be used by the T-Rex. Knowledge of reptiles is a plus with higher paying positions available within InGen's Cryo department for those with a background in the Sciences.
Tour Guides are also wanted. Goat lovers are advised not to apply. Applicants for the Raptor team must be prepared to wear tight short, shorts and long socks. Containment experts will also be paid at a higher rate, we wouldn’t want our animals escaping!
Desirable Position? One for the nature lovers, for sure. The Isla group of Islands are paradisiacal, this would actually be a great place to work. On the flip side, pretty much every animal on the island either wants to eat you or step on you.
So long as the electric stays on and the fences stay up – this would be a fantastic job. Just make sure they are not cooking up any new XL dinosaurs during your tenure.
Toon Patrol Member
Job Description Overview: A job hailing back to 1988. Toon Patrol auditions, AKA the Weasel Patrol. This was a vacancy that brought together a motley crew of animated miscreants that carried out the dirty dealings of a feared and revered, Judge Doom.
The spec read: Toons wanted. Animal based caricature preferable. Dastardly and conniving. Experience working within an organised crime syndicate preferable. The use of excessive malapropisms is advantageous (we are toons, after all). Knowledge of chemistry desired (some manufacture of “Dip” required).
Show a natural ability to be intimidating, thuggish and must be skilled with various weapons. Must be immune to physical bodily harm.
Desirable Position? If you want a position of power in Toon Town, then yes. Working for judge Doom is a job that carries a great amount of clout. But, it does mean you will be forced to enforce tyranny and “take care” of certain toons that break the Judges rules.
This one is not for me, I’d rather be the rabbit (Roger). Are you cut out to be a member of the Toon Patrol?
Job Description Overview: "Colonial Marines are very tough hombres. They're packing state-of-the-art firepower, there's nothing they can't handle."
We are recruiting! We are the primary "force-in-readiness". Specialising in force projection, and outer regions operations. We are an evolution of the Marine corps, we are the best of the best and the first to respond. Must be tough, wise cracking and able to keep a steady aim in the face of overwhelming odds.
Are you ready to join the squad of the ultimate badasses? Here’s what Private Hudson has to say about the team. “We got tactical smart missiles, phase plasma Pulse Rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball-breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks...". Can we count on you?
Desirable Position? A fine job for anyone looking to serve their country (and species). As Hudson detailed above, this is a position that allows you to spearhead human dominance across the galaxy. You get to wear rad gear and shoot huge guns.
The cons however, may out way the pros. Even with the best equipment, sometimes you just can’t be prepared enough for your foe. If it’s not the countess waves of Xenomorphs you have to contend with it’s the odd roaming Predator looking for a new trophy. My advice, join the Coast Guard!
Trueman Show Extra
Job Description Overview: Experienced film extra required for the role of a literal lifetime. Join the cast of the world’s number one reality show. Applicants from all demographics and backgrounds required. Full time contract. Must be adaptable and able to improvise. Character/method acting experience preferable.
No scripts, no cue cards. It isn't always Shakespeare, but it's genuine. It's a life.
Desirable Position? At first glance, this seems like a great gig for an aspiring actor. Top network show and an ability to develop a character – a job for life. On the flip-side, this role does come steeped in responsibility. There is no room for error, get it wrong and you never work in Hollywood again. Swings and roundabouts (circles and triangles, whichever you prefer).
Just be cautious of the omnipresent, Ed Harris. This guy like to play God, so don’t rub this Producer up the wrong way.
Job Description Overview: This one is less of a job and more of a past time. But vigilante crime fighting is cool, plus, it means you can comfortably and securely don a pair of tight lycra pants, apply copious amounts of mascara, and get away with it without your mother passing judgement on your lifestyle choices.
But if we had to create a job description, it would read:
Hero wanted. Expected to work anti-social hours, including Public Holidays. Must be tech-savvy. Must have a serious disposition (not much of a Joker). Strong jaw line preferable. Husky voice is a must. Working well within a team is not necessary but must be able to delegate minor tasks to lesser heroes and butlers. Self-defence classes can be provided but some martial arts training is preferable.
When not in uniform you will be expected to spend a lot of money, drive fancy cars, act somewhat irresponsibly by hosting extravagant parties. Be an overt philanthropist (to counter the party lifestyle) and be a desirable bachelor or bachelorette around town.
Desirable Position? Heck yeah. This position comes with a lot of perks. Super ace rides, a plane (or two), a manner house, a penthouse apartment, and lots of money.
Sure, it can get pretty rough at night but nothing a long hot bath and a trip to your very own day spa wouldn’t fix.
What movie job, not listed above, would you like to apply for?