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Proclaim your love for The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and great humor with these funny t-shirts. If you love all the humorous moments from the movies (“What about SECOND breakfast?” “Fool of a Took!” “Toss me!” “What’s taters, precious?”), then you’ll enjoy making your friends laugh with these spoofs on the greatest epic films of all time (thank you, Peter Jackson).
You Shall Pass
It’s no surprise that Sam has an ice cream cone here. I am pretty sure Sam’s hobbit mother probably gave him an ice cream cone on the way to school every single day of his life, which is why he is so charmingly plump and good-natured. #parentinggoals
The Quadratic Formula is in Some Kind of Elvish
When did they start putting letters in math?? (Probably at about the same time that I dropped out of trig when I realized that I might be smart, but I wasn’t THAT smart.) Honestly, if you gave me the choice between learning to speak Elvish and learning the quadratic formula...I mean it’s not even a contest. Elvish wins, every time.
I Do All of My Lifting Before Second Breakfast
I never lift at all, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t eat second breakfast. Side note: I just started reading The Hobbit to my kids, and after a short description of what Bilbo gets from his pantries to feed the ravenous dwarves, my son declared, “You need to stop reading this or I’m going to be too hungry.” Totally, absolutely accurate. It’s a good thing that I don’t live in the Shire or I would definitely weigh 400 pounds. I’d be happy, but only until I died of a heart attack at age 32.
“You go on without me, Sauron! I’m not going to make it!” “Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.” “I love you too!”
Probability of Mordor
Lord of the Rings math-time fun again! Take one hobbit. Add another hobbit. Subtract Gandalf. Add two more hobbits. Add one elf, one dwarf, one grumpy, suspicious bearded man, and one super hot ranger of the north. Add Gandalf. Add one Balrog. Subtract Gandalf (again). Then calculate the distance from the Shire to Mordor if you’re not riding a pony and you’re carrying the ring of Sauron and you need to stop frequently to eat lembas.
Gamgee’s Po-ta-to Chips
Just the way my ol’ gaffer used to make! Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew! Somehow I have the feeling that Gollum wouldn’t agree that you never can have just one...there’s only one precious for him, and taters, it’s not.
Tom Bombadil Got the Shaft
This is only true, by the way, until Peter Jackson decides he’s going to milk the cash cow to the very last drops and make a set of three (no, FOUR!) movies featuring Tom Bombadil as the protagonist. His song’s certainly long enough, that’s for sure...I mean, who doesn’t want to hear “Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo! Ring a dong! hop along! Fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!” for like 12 hours?
You Shall Not Pass
I think it’s safe to say, at this point, that math lovers and Lord of the Rings lovers definitely have a Venn diagram going on that looks mostly like a circle. At least there’s a strong correlation! And now I’ve exhausted my math and science knowledge to make silly jokes about this shirt, so we’ll call it a day.
Lord of the Ring vs. Gandalf “The Grey”
Who are you betting on at the Middle Earth Heavyweight Championships? My money's on Gandalf (if he dies, he can just come back as Gandalf the White and Sauron will be on the ropes in no time). Also notice the match-ups between Frodo Baggins and Gollum/Smeagol (no biting allowed!!) and Legolas Greenleaf vs. Gimli (I really have no idea how that one would go...probably with a big bromance hug).
Smiguel is Gollum’s Mexican cousin. He loves fish tacos, fish enchiladas, fish burritos...really fish anything, as long as it’s raw and wriggling and topped with pico de gallo. Ok, and maybe a little hot sauce.
Mordor Fun Run
One does not simply walk. Can you even imagine this as a real life race? You’d have to be awesome at bouldering, avoid being slowed down by tricksy Smeagol jumping on your back and trying to strange you, not step on any of the creepy ghost face in the Dead Marshes, and stay well away from orcs who want to take you to the Dark Lord. Plus, everyone would have to carry a ring with a tracker implanted that would randomly make you feel like you were going to gasp out your last breath, and you’d run it with a partner who would proclaim their undying love for you and offer to carry you the last challenging scramble up a mountain. Anyone who finished the race would be carried by eagles to a party with fireworks and lots of ale.
“You shall not pass!” “No, you shall not pass.” “No, you shall not pass!” But seriously...I’m pretty sure that if Gandalf could survive the Balrog that he would have zero trouble taking out the Black Knight (despite his continued protests that it was “only a flesh wound”).
Dark Lord Happy Hour
I love how the super scary big bad Dark Lord Sauron is drinking a little fruity fancy drink, complete with an umbrella. Now there’s a confident man. I'm sure this would be a very therapeutic night out for these guys; after all, it's stressful slaughtering Muggles, Rebels, and the free people of Middle Earth! Sometimes you just have to take an evening off and relax with some dudes that can relate.
Ok, but have you ever seen a kid with a ring pop (have you ever BEEN a kid with a ring pop)? There is no way you would let anyone take that from you and not totally bite their finger off. Especially if it was a red one (those were definitely the best). Just sayin’.
Lord of the Breeze
SO. DISTURBING. Those skinny old man wizard legs just aren’t the same as Marilyn’s, no matter how subtle and quick to anger Gandalf might be to hear you say it.