Guy Who Hates Musicals Reviews Disney Classics

So my mom is a music teacher, which meant that growing up meant watching a lot of musicals when I was little. Which led to a general disdain for musicals as I grew from a little kid into a rebellious youth. I don’t hate all musicals, I just hate it when characters burst into song for no reason and sing for three minutes about nothing when they could be getting on with the story. Musical numbers are like action scenes, in that they shouldn’t be there for no reason and should serve to drive the story forward or at least develop the characters in some way. But for some reason, more often than not, musicals just throw in songs randomly, purely for the sake of having songs. Like it’s great that the rock-trolls are happy that Reindeer Boy brought a girl home, but dammit we don’t have time for this, Anna’s gonna die if you don’t unfreeze her heart soon! In a weird twist, I actually don’t mind operas, because every scene is told through music, which forces them to progresses the story with each scene. You know, like a movie. But with musicals, they usually squander their use of songs throughout the movie, and most of the time the song ends and I’m like, “Yeah, you probably could’ve cut that.” And if you can cut a scene, you probably should. Ever notice how there is significantly less musical numbers in most Disney movies during the second half, once the story kicks in? It’s almost as if you didn’t need them at all to tell the story.

So since this year marks the release of 14 live-action remakes of classic Disney movies, I thought it would be a good time to revisit some of these movies and grade them using an arbitrary rating system that I made up on their success of being a musical.

How my system works is I take a look at the number of musical numbers that progress the overall story and weigh them against the total number of songs in the film. Then I grade the movie out of five on its successfulness of being a movie, because a bad movie with good songs is still a bad movie. Then I also award bonus points for songs that are especially memorable or iconic. So if I were to grade Frozen, it would get 4/7 songs that progress the plot ("Do You Wanna Build a Snowman," "First Time in Forever," "Love Is an Open Door," and "Let It Go"), so 57%. 3 of a possible 5 stars for being a decent movie, and 3 bonus points for standout songs (Snowman, Open Door, Let it Go), for a grand total of 11.7 points. (5.7+3+3=11.7) Make sense? Not really? Too bad, we're moving on.

I don’t have time to review every Disney movie, so I thought I would stick with the Disney Renaissance era films. The movies that came out from 1989 to 1999, which is considered to be the best period of animated Disney films. (I’m not gonna talk about The Rescuers Down Under, which did come out during this period in 1990, but it’s a sequel so I feel like it’s kind of its own thing). Without further ado, let’s see what the best of Disney has to offer.

The Little Mermaid (1989)

I think I watched this one the longest ago, so bare with me if I don’t remember it that well. This film is pretty good. There’s six songs, which is a lot, but only one that is completely worthless, (that one with Sebastian and that chef). And 4 standouts which is pretty good. "Part of Your World" is one of the best "I want" songs, and "Poor Unfortunate Souls" is one of the best villain songs. "Under the Sea" and "Kiss the Girl" are also really good. Disney hadn’t really made a great animated movie in a while, so when this one came out, it really set the bar high. It also established the formula, that the rest of these movies follow. The "Happy Village" song, the "I want" song to establish character motivation, the villain song, and the love song are all present here. The thing is, when this formula is done well, it works. This movie definitely has its flaws. There’s like three too many animal sidekicks, and the prince is really bland; though I like that he is played by Christopher Daniel Barnes, who voiced Spider-Man in the 90s animated series. But what this movie lacks in character development, it makes up for in emotion. "Part of Your World" is really great. The animation is top notch, and Ariel’s hair is all pretty and underwater. The whole thing looks great. 5/6 songs + 4 stars + 4 standouts = 16 points.

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

I’m gonna count the reprises as part of the same song, which means that this one has six songs in total, but it kind of feels like more. I also think I ended up watching the special edition, which had another song that the furniture sing that was just awful. But I’m gonna assume that’s not in the regular version, which means that all the songs were good. I mean, you could probably cut "Be Our Guest" since it doesn’t add that much to the story, but it’s a classic, I get it. This movie does a really good job telling the story through the songs, using a montage to kind of sell the romance between Belle and the Beast. The Beast is definitely the best character, until the end when he turns into boring. But that’s just kind of a symptom of the story. Luckily, Shrek gave us the superior ending. Gaston is potentially the best Disney villain. He’s the hero of his own story, which makes him more interesting and motivated than a lot of other villains who are just evil. The ending rooftop fight of this movie is great, dark, dramatic, and the perfect conclusion to the story. 6/6 songs, 4 stars, and 4 standouts ("Belle," "Gaston," "Be Our Guest," and "Beauty and the Beast") for a total of 18 points.

Aladdin (1992)

There’s a reason this one is being remade. The main guy is flawed but likable, the princess is proactive, fun, and cool, the villain is great, and Robin Williams is Robin Williams. What’s not to like? Including reprises, there are seven songs in this one, which all move the plot forward. Some of these are really short, which is nice. They don’t waste your time. It's been said a thousand times before, but Robin Williams as the Genie is amazing, and gives so much heart to this movie. This character was designed specifically for Robin Williams and specifically for animation, so trying to recreate that magic with Will Smith is probably a mistake. I don't know what else to say, this is a good one. My only real problem is that Jafar already has magic and can even mind control the king, so why does he need the Genie again? I feel like he could probably take over all by himself. 7/7 songs, 4 standouts, 4 stars. 18 points.

The Lion King (1994)

There’s a reason this one is being remade as well. It’s everyone’s favourite. It only has five songs, which not only all progress the story, they’re all fucking classics. "Circle of Life," "I Just Can't Wait to be King," "Be Prepared," "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" All iconic. Yes it’s a ripoff of Hamlet and Kimba the White Lion (because every other Disney movie is so original?) but who cares, it’s a good story. It’s kind of the perfect hero’s journey. It looks like they aren’t even changing anything for the remake, since this movie is so iconic. What would you even change? I guess Timone and Pumba are a little cheesy compared to the other characters, but I don’t think they’re overtly annoying, or take away from the story. I really don't have anything bad to say about this one. James Earl Jones plays his second best ghost dad. 5/5 songs, all standouts, 5 stars. 20 points.

Pocahontas (1995)

Finally a movie where Mel Gibson isn’t the most racist thing on screen. So when I was like 15, I did an LIT program at a summer camp, and my favourite memory from that summer was this one time this girl got into a heated argument with our pastor about whether the "Savages" song from this movie was about two armies preparing for battle, or "two conflicting angry mobs." Now that I have finally seen this garbage fire of a film, I can confirm that they are, in fact, two armies prepping for battle. There’s literally a line in the song about “the drums of war.”

So I haven’t really been paying that close attention to any of these movies’ source material, and have been trying to judge them solely on their own merit. But white-washing fairy tales and literature is one thing, white-washing actual history and people that really lived is kind of fucked up. I tried not to think about it, but this movie is just so over romanticized I couldn’t get over it. Pocahontas’ love stops them from fighting? Really? And then the English just go home? European colonization solved! Thanks Disney! I know the history, that’s not what happened. Even ignoring all that, you’re left with a shitty romance between a boring Barbie doll and a boring Mel Gibson. The two leads don’t have a fraction of the personality or relatability that Aladdin and Jasmine, or Belle and the Beast do.

While most of the songs here do progress the plot to some extent, the only memorable songs are "Around the Riverbend," "Colors of the Wind," and "Savages." The rest are extremely forgettable. I actually completely forgot about the song the grandma tree sings as soon as the movie was over, and I had to look it up because I felt like my notes were incomplete. You could also cut the villain song about gold. "Savages" is a bit on the nose, but "Riverbend" and "Colors of the Wind" are genuinely great. I kind of wish they were in a better movie. And I do like the “Luke looking at the twin suns moment” when Pocahontas sees the two paths of the river. But, even though this movie does have occasionally interesting themes, Moana did it better. Even Avatar did it better. Pocahontas isn’t a bad musical. It’s just bad. 5/7 songs, 3 standouts, 2 stars. 12 points.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

This movie is really interesting, but is also a perfect example of why I hate musicals. This movie starts really promising. The first few musical numbers are good. Esmeralda is one of the most interesting female characters in any of these movies, and the villain has some of the most complex and interesting motivations. There’s some really dark and mature themes here and it’s handled very seriously. And right when the movie is really getting going, towards the end of the second act, we get two goofy-ass, time-wasting musical numbers back to back. I just completely tuned out. There’s also these really annoying gargoyle characters, and at first they kind of hint that they are just in the imagination of Quasimodo. But then they fight off soldiers in the final battle, which is just a complete mess tonally. Beauty and the Beast did the same ending better. I was also pretty tuned out by that point, so it was kind of just a lot of, “What is even happening right now?”

My main problem is how the musical numbers deflate the tension and pacing of the story. The stakes are getting high. Frollo is burning houses down, and it’s like “Oh shit! What are our heroes going to do now?” But then it’s like “Never mind. You have to sit through this stupid, circus freak song.” I just wanna watch the movie! Why are you sabotaging your own story? This throws off the pacing so much that I’m completely taken out of the movie for the rest of the runtime. It’s like that stupid-ass rock-trolls song. Fun and upbeat songs can work earlier in a musical, but they usually leave them out towards the end because that’s when the stakes are high, the pace is faster, and the focus is on the story. There’s nine songs in this one not including reprises, which is a lot. "Hellfire" and "Notre Dame" are probably the only stand outs. And as I said before, you can completely cut the Gargoyle’s songs, and the one the gypsy clown guy sings. 7/9 songs, 2 standouts, 3 stars. 12 points.

Hercules (1997)

So Disney’s Hercules tries to do a thing. They use Hercules as a way to comment on the deification of celebrity athletes that was going on at the time. So instead of Hercules feeling timeless and evergreen like the rest of the Disney classics, it feels cemented in the 90s. But hey, Air-Hercs! Do you get it? What’s interesting is that even with that in mind, the movie kind of still works. Halfway through when they introduce all the action figure, Air-Hercs stuff, they bring up this theme that it takes more than just being famous or being strong to be a hero. But by the third act, they’ve basically thrown all that stuff out in favour of traditional hero’s journey beats. Which is also kind of annoying in a way, because this movie is straight up a Joseph Campbell's Hero’s Journey-Superman-Jesus retelling. And there’s a reason we’ve been telling this same story over and over again for thousands of years, because it’s fucking timeless. This movie should be timeless, but because of the social commentary stuff it plants itself in one time. I don’t mind the odd anachronism every now and then, but when it’s built into the plot, it starts to become an issue. Luckily, it’s really only a thing for the middle third of the movie, and the rest of the stuff is really great, so this one still gets good marks for me. But I have to ask, if the arc of the movie is that you don’t need action figures to make a compelling hero story, do you need to even bring it up?

There are six songs here, (counting the first three intro choir parts, as verses of more or less the same song) and all of them propel the story forward. I mean, you can probably cut the Danny DeVito one, because Danny DeVito is not a singer, but at least it’s a training montage, so that’s something. The two stand outs are "Zero to Hero" and "I Can Go the Distance," the latter of which being a pretty standard “I want” song. "Zero to Hero" is really interesting because of the style it uses, that of gospel choir music. Why is a primarily Christian style of music being used to explore a Greek hero? Good question. But for some reason, I feel like it’s unique enough in this case that it kinda works. It's at least different. 5/6 songs, 2 standouts, 3 stars. 13 points.

Mulan (1998)

This movie is one I actually think that they should remake, because it is so close to being great. Some of this movie is really good. Mulan and her character arc, having to disguise herself as a boy to join the army, and the world she lives in are all really interesting. And she's played by Ming-Na, Wen from Agents of SHIELD and the Street Fighter movie. But the villain is kind of weak, and things never quite feel as epic as they want to be. There’s this really cool scene where the bad guy's army is charging down this hill towards our heroes, and it’s like this impossibly large horde of enemies. But then they just get wiped out by an avalanche. And I get that it’s supposed to be this character moment for Mulan, because she’s really clever in battle and stuff, but it just kind of feels like a cop out. And the ending is ok, but not nearly as exciting. The sword fighting and military training stuff is really cool and I just want more. Mulan is a cool character, and I just want to see her be cool in a better movie. So there’s this Eddie Murphy dragon that becomes Mulan’s sidekick. And there’s other celebrity comedic sidekicks in some of these other movies like Danny DeVito, but this one is just really obviously trying to recapture the Genie magic, and it just doesn’t quite get there. I like some of the mysticism, but it doesn't effect the story all that much and I kind of wish there was more. Like what if the bad guy was like an evil wizard? That might be cool. There’s only four songs in this one, which is kind of nice. There’s one called "A Girl Worth Fighting For," which is completely disposable. But "Reflection" and "Be a Man" are so good; and again, I wish they were in a better movie. I think that if they remade this, fleshed out some of the characters, had a stronger villain, and added some cool action, Mulan could be a genuinely great film. 3/4 songs, 2 standouts, 3.5 stars, 13 points.

Tarzan (1999)

Tarzan is interesting because it's not a traditional musical, it more just has Phil Collins music in it. But the characters sing a little bit so whatever, I'm counting it. Ironically, this movie has the only use of a song being sung organically, other than maybe "Under the Sea," where Tarzan’s gorilla mom starts to sing "You'll Be in My Heart;" but then nope, we're back to Phil Collins. Fortunately, this style forces the animation team to progress the story during each song. Yeah, it's all done with montages. But montages by definition move the story forward. So for me, it's a pass. The only one here that you can cut is the "Shoo be do bop" one, because nothing happens. But even that one is a little more organic than most musical numbers. This movie does suffer a bit in variety. You better like Phil Collins because that's all you're getting. All the songs sound pretty similar and kind of blend together, so there isn't really a stand out. I like "I Wanna Know," but really, take your pick.

This film is ok. It’s the first one to really use the 3D backgrounds thing effectively. There’s some really good action sequences where Tarzan is sliding on vines and stuff. But the villain is kind of weak and the ending is sort of rushed. Tarzan’s ape dad and some of the other characters are a little underdeveloped. But hey, the part where Tarzan fights the cheetah is cool. Overall, I like it, but I think it could’ve used just a little more time spent on these characters. There’s 5 songs total, not including reprises. 4/5 songs progress the story, 1 standout, 3.5 stars, 12.5 points.

And so, the Official Disney Renaissance Film Ranking is:

9. Pocahontas—12 points

8. The Hunchback of Notre Dame—12 points

7. Tarzan—12.5 points

6. Hercules—13 points

5. Mulan—13 points

4. The Little Mermaid—16 points

3. Beauty and the Beast—18 points

2. Aladdin—18 points

1. The Lion King—20 points

Obviously the first half of the decade turned out a lot better than some of the later movies, when they started to feel more formulaic; but overall, not bad. I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of quality that these movies had to offer. A lot of these movies are being remade now, and it’s because of more than just nostalgia. Some of these are genuinely good stories and it’s no wonder that they are so beloved. In terms of musicals, most of these are really good. There isn’t that many songs that don’t progress the plot in some way. Some of the movies have a lot of songs, but they were usually relatively short. Overall, these are some pretty solid films. In fact, they hold up pretty well, and it’s kind of annoying that Disney is remaking these at all. Just watch the originals, they’re fine. If we are gonna get remakes, I’d much rather see them try again at some of the ones that didn’t quite work like Mulan or Hunchback. Heck, where’s the Atlantis and Treasure Planet remakes? Those are chalked full of great ideas that just need better execution. In any case, I enjoyed doing this. It's part of my goal this year to force myself to watch more new movies. And in terms of musicals, I've seen worse.

I hope you enjoyed my arbitrary rating system, because that’s the official ranking for these movies from now on. You just gotta deal with it.