H'ween Horrorthon: Happy Birthday to Me

"Go shawty - it's yo' berf-day" — 50 Cent (2003)

Okay, it WAS my birthday in August and one of my many guilty pleasures is this absolutely shitty 1981 slasher pic that if anything was known for its iconic movie graphic art (with graphic being the operative word). A young, wide-eyed, terrified teenage male is about to be orally skewered by a shish kebab...how very Artemisia Gentileschi! It's held up by a glove; above the image, the tagline: "John will never eat shish kebab again."

Well, no sugar-honey-ice-tea!

The movie, released back in May of 1981, promised us, "Six of the most bizarre murders you will ever see." I was a mere lad of 8-1/2. Now, this was back of the days of marquee theaters and here's the kicker — I wasn't even allowed to see movies. But, in my defense, no way in hell my crazy Christian mother was going to allow me to see an R-rated movie of this caliber. But, I digress. The insanity of the movie poster's "snuff" sensibilities was enough to make me curious about the film.

This was 1981. Halloween had come out three years earlier. Friday the 13th was a year before. The slasher/exploitation craze was at full tilt that year. My Bloody Valentine had already come out as did the Friday the 13th sequel. Certainly there was no shortage of blood, guts, and gore at your local cineplex. Long story short — it was years till I was allowed to see these films. So...on a rainy night in 1990, a syndicated channel had it on after 1 AM and needless to say...

It was the worst P.O.S. movie I had ever seen! Forget the MOST bizarre murders; it was the lamest movie I had seen! The poster was scarier!

Here's the gist of the plot. Melissa Sue Anderson (blind sister Mary, from Little House on the Prairie) was a pretty, high school socialite who was prone to constant blackouts — and cheesy looooong flashbacks. A car accident is responsible for her brain injuries. She's a member of the prep school's Top 10, a group of the wealthiest, snarkiest, asshole-y students in the whole school. (Yes, the clique-y in-crowd is always so deserving of gruesome violent deaths!) Her rotten, snobby friends are all being systematically murdered one by one giallo-style by an unseen killer with gloves and is bumping off the creme-de-la-creme of the school.

Why, do you ask? I know you actually didn't, but I'll humor you all. The big revelation is that all of her friends had ditched her big birthday bash four years earlier to go to another friend's party. Her unstable, newly-inducted socialite mom goes into an alcoholic bender and drives to the other party. Being completely shunned by the other Richie Riches of society for being (mildly put) a slut, she has a breakdown and drives across a ferry bridge with her daughter begging her to grow some sense. Their car flips into the river and...daughter survives, but mommy doesn't.

How, he (or she) chooses to murder the school's richey clique is indeed, bizarre. Straight razor, weight set, motorcycle spokes and yes, the eye-popping shish kebab skewer is all the arsenal needed. Also, I'd like to point out that the "killer" in question was not some six-foot tall, masked freak wielding a knife, an axe, a chain saw, a machete, etc. etc. In true giallo form (an Italian form of horror/suspense narrative), we never actually see the killer at the time of the murders; the only way to identify the killer is a slick pair of black leather gloves — and it seemed that all victims were familiar with who the killer was. It was someone they ALL knew.

Now, the fun part:

***SPOILER ALERT (This is a 35+ year old movie — by now, the entire Western Hemisphere had to have seen this flick; probably more than E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial!)***

There is a big reveal at the end. It all culminates at a gruesome, corpse-laden birthday party with all the clique members still rotting and covered in their own blood. Melissa Sue Anderson (Ginny is the character's name; sorry, forgot that detail) is awakened from her induced chloroform sleep, even though it would appear that she was the killer from the start (she was presumably the one who gave the guy the fatal shish kebab blow, not to mention, slashing her strangely horny stepfather, played by Lawrence Dane, to death). But, in true Scooby-Doo fashion, it turns out to be her half-sister, Anne Thomerson (played by popular soap actress Tracy E. Bregman) who killed all of their friends in order to flush her out — as the cause of her misery. Her mother slept with her father (she was the mistress) and she was born. (Ugh! What a rotten way to celebrate your birthday.) She never forgave her, even resorting to inviting the Top 10 to her party instead. They fight, Ginny stabs Anne. The cops walk in at the precise moment of the murder. The confused, scared cop eyes Ginny. "My God! What have you done?!"

End of story. Um — like, WTMF?!?!? How high were these people when they wrote this and filmed it? Horror/slasher movies aren't supposed to be high art or masterpieces (Psycho and Halloween, the ONLY exceptions), but are they really supposed to deviate from logic, intelligence, or even cohesion? THIS film defied all of this, and more, and to this day, remains the ultimate head-scratcher!

In conclusion, the film is still a staple in my horror repertoire, because all was finally revealed when the late Wes Craven and writer Kevin Williamson made their film Scream in 1996. It was practically a scene-for-scene homage to Happy Birthday to Me, even though it took all slasher elements and turned them on their ear.

Whew! A sigh of relief! This was the original version of Scream. It just couldn't cast Drew Barrymore because she was a mere five years old at the time. As previously mentioned, she would find fame as Gertie in Steven Spielberg's E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

Blow out the candles and make a wish! My next entry... "They're heeeeeere!"