How the 'Game of Thrones Novels' Will End

Were you dissatisfied with how the television series Game of Thrones ended? Well, good news, I have insider information and know for a fact it's going to play out way different in the books. So sit down, grab some popcorn and buckle up for a preview of the INTENSE GOT finale we really deserve.

At some point, early in the dramatic conclusion, Jon turns to Dany and says, “Babe... we ain’t beating these white walkers without the Lannister army.”

And Dany’s like, “True dat, but how?”

And Jon says, “Well, you leave the army here and I’ll lead a controlled retreat, like give up the whole North and just burn everything so there are no more dang dead rising up to meet us. It will be terrible and I’ll be constantly fighting, everybody’s going to bitch, it’ll be super heroic.”

So Dany’s like, “Well, yeah, but what do I do?”

And Jon winks and says, “Snoogums, you take Jaime and Tyrion on a Dragon and fly down to King’s landing and convince Cersei to lead the army up here and just kill her if she won’t.”

Dany says, “But Tyrion can’t fly a dragon.”

“Au contraire, turns out he’s a Targaryen, that bald guy said so.”

“Aw snap!” says Dany.

“Yeah, if you can get Tyron and Jaime to convince Cersei it’ll be a lot smoother, but if not, just fry the byatch.”

“Check!”

So Dany and the two dragons head to King’s landing while Jon starts convincing people to burn everything, their farms, their castles, everything, and retreat. There are all kinds of bad ass battles where Jon Snow fights people like the reanimated body of Ned Stark... in fact, he has to fight everyone who died in the previous episodes... because you have to make good use of a character that can raise the dead.

Meanwhile, Dany, Tyrion and Jamie get to King’s Landing and give Cersei the ultimatum. At first she’s like, “No,” then she’s like, “give me a day to think about it.” Dany agrees because Tyrion gets all puppy dog eyed. Cut back to more awesome Jon Snow battles to emphasize how irritating it is that Cersei is making them wait.

So, the next day, Dany loses her patience and she’s just about to go all mad queen when Cersei emerges and agrees to march north with her brothers. The whole fanbase flips out. “That’s out of character!” they scream, it’ll be hilarious.

Okay, but get this...

So, the Lannister army marches north and meets up with Jon Snow just when he’s about to die. A glorious battle ensues, Jon kills the Night King, and a bunch of people die in the battle, but not Cersei. Cersei lives. This is important and everyone’s going to be really mad because everyone wants to see Cersei dead.

After the battle, Jaime goes to Cersei and starts talking with her about how much he loves her and how they’re the only thing that matters and that he can’t believe they made it through, and he’s going to go on and on when all of a sudden Cersei stabs him in the stomach. And as Jaime stares her in the eyes in disbelief, Cersei pulls off her face to reveal Arya stark.

“You killed Cersei?” Jaime says.

“No,” Arya says, “She’s alive, I just took her face.”

See? Because Arya knew they needed the Lannister army and she knew it’d be a lot easier to get them to go along if she led them as Cersei!

So then, Martin ties up all the loose ends, somebody’s named king, maybe Jon kills Dany, I don’t care. The scene I want is the last one in the book, and it’s a flashback. The flashback scene shows Arya sneaking into the palace before the final battle and cutting off Cersei’s face. Then she stands there smiling as the horrendous bloody mass that used to be Cersei screams in torment as she lives on in the dungeons below King’s landing. See, she lives on, to quote The Princess Bride, "wallowing in torment forever."

Wayyy more satisfying ending than just dropping some rocks on her head.