How To Build a Made-for-TV Christmas Love Movie

It's November. Time for people who are annoyingly into Christmas to never shut up about all things Christmas. If you, your aunt, or your grandma have a cable subscription this also means an onslaught of hastily made Christmas Love Movies. Especially on a certain channel that starts with an H and ends with an Allmark. If you watch enough of them, you'll notice that these "films" follow a specific formula that I'm convinced anyone could follow and create a story consistent with the canon.

Step 1) Create an idyllic little town that values its Christmas traditions. Bonus points if it has a ridiculously twee and/or Christmas-related name such as Claus or Cookie Jar (Yes, these are real names of Christmas Love Movie Towns). Come up with three events that will be part of the Big Christmas Festival. At least one should be a contest. All residents are cis, straight, white, able-bodied, and loosely Christian because this isn't reality, it's the world of Christmas Love Movies.

Step 2) Create the lovebirds. Select a gorgeous woman and a profoundly OK-looking man from your pool of actors who are willing to do these "films." One of the lovebirds must be a local of the idyllic town and the other must be from The Big City. The both must fit the aforementioned mold, but you are allowed to make one a single parent because then there's a cute kid. Go out of your way to convince the audience that the profoundly OK-looking man is attractive by having the gorgeous woman's equally gorgeous best friend gush endlessly about how hot he supposedly is. You could easily make him funny, charming, and otherwise interesting so the audience would believe that there is a good reason why a woman who is exponentially better looking than he is would like him, but why would you do that? Make the woman constantly deny that she is interested in the man until the very end. Give the audience no reason at all to be invested in these characters.

Step 3) Create a low stakes conflict. Will the man learn to love Christmas again even though his wife died on Christmas a few years ago? Will the woman learn to love again after her bad breakup? Will the woman win the gingerbread house contest and get her bakery on the map? Stretch out this conflict for two hours by any means necessary. Make it two equally low stakes conflicts at the same time for more "complexity."

Step 4) Make the Lovebird from The Big City decide to quit their super impressive job and move to the Idyllic Little Town after three conversations with the other Lovebird and none of them involved admitting their feelings. Then have a moment where they get mad at each other over a small misunderstanding, but make it seem tragic. After all, this new relationship is fragile enough that a snafoo in the snowman contest could realistically ruin it. The side characters talk to the Lovebirds in separate scenes to discourage them from giving up on true love because that is exactly what this is.

Step 5) Create a sickeningly sweet happy ending. The Lovebirds talk through the moment of anger that almost ruined their relationship, win the contest, find love in the Christmas season and each other, and finally kiss under the mistletoe. Include a schmaltzy line about the True Meaning of Christmas to use in the trailer. Do everything you can to convince the audience that this couple will be happy forever despite having evidence that they would last about a month outside the World of Christmas Love Movies. Now all that's left is to heavily advertise the premier and start again from step one over and over again, hoping that no one will realize that you're basically making the same movie over and over again.

Merry Freakin' Christmas!