I Wrote the Worst 'Killing Eve' Fanfiction

I set out to write the most wild Killing Eve fanfiction possible... Content warning: this story contains a little violence, and some implied dubious consent (involving a polyjuice potion). Rated Teen/Mature (but if you watch Killing Eve, this fic is plenty appropriate in my opinion). Without any further ado, here she is.

CHAPTER ONE - The Strange Man

Vilanelle sleeps peacefully in a hospital bed. Her toned abs radiate red, from blood. She has been wounded. She has been stabbed by the woman she has been lusting after. Vilanelle snores until her sleep, suddenly, is interrupted by a nurse.

The nurse sulks into the room. He is tall with dark hair. His face is covered, but Vilanelle thinks it must be ugly like the rest of him. He is a mysterious, strange man. Vilanelle doesn't recognize him. Who is this man?

"Who are you?" Vilanelle asked in her accent, folding her arms across her body. Her brows furrowed.

The nurse growls his response. "My name is Severus. Severus Snape."

"There is no way that is your real name," Vilanelle chuckles. "What a silly name."

"Don't laugh right now, this is a very urgent situation. Eve is a witch. I have to get you to Hogwarts immediately."

"A witch? Hogwarts? What does all that mean?"

"I have no time to explain!" Snape shouts, then lifts Vilanelle from the bed.

"Hey! I don't have my clothes on!"

Suddenly, Vilanelle is dizzy, and she vomits on Snape. He mutters and looks around. They have just landed in Hogsmeade from apparating there.

"What is that big castle?" the feisty blonde asks.

"That is Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Your new home."

CHAPTER TWO - Sorted

Eve sits quietly in the Ravenclaw common room reading quietly. Despite being older than all of the other students, she's made some friends (more like little siblings) by telling cool stories of working for MI5. Because she is so powerful, the headmistress McGonagall has decided to let her train at Hogwarts in exchange for helping with Muggle Studies, since she knew so much about Muggles. Even before she knew what Muggle meant, Eve agreed happily.

A Ravenclaw named Bea skipped into the commonroom and sat next to Eve on the velvety blue soft couch.

"Hi."

Eve rolled her eyes, "What?"

"There's another adult here. She's being sorted. McGonagall says they'll let four adult wizards in if they help like you. They're almost finished with your dormitory, by the way."

"Who is this new woman?"

"I don't know. Her name is like, Villain, or something."

Eve dropped her book and gasped, "Villanelle?"

"Yeah, that's it!"

Eve gasped, "I have to go!"

She took off running towards the great hall, running as fast as she could. There were only a few people in the hall, including McGonagall and some teachers Eve hadn't met yet.

"Slytherin!" The sorting hat yelled, leaving the blonde sitting on the stool with a smirk on her face.

"Ah, hello Eve," she said when she saw Eve strutting towards her.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Eve snapped.

"Didn't you hear? I'm a bitch. I mean—witch."

"Of course you're in Slytherin. Slytherins are evil. Manipulative. They're—"

Professor McGonagall interrupted the black-haired woman, "Eve, please respect your new peer. You will be sharing a room in the adult dormitory."

"Oh God. No. Please. Anyone but her!" Eve groaned.

"I do hope it won't be necessary for me to remind you that I expect you both to set a good example for the children at this school."

Eve nodded, "Okay."

"Okay," Vilanelle mocked, and rolled her eyes in annoyance.

The two women were led down the dark hallways to a room with huge doors. "What is this?" Eve asked McGonagall.

"The room of requirement. You will sleep here tonight."

"Ooh, I hope there are bunkbeds," Vilanelle said under her breath.

"Your belongings are in here. I'll send someone by to check on you later this evening," McGonagall said, then walked away.

Villanelle pushed the door open to reveal a surprisingly small room. There were indeed two bunkbeds on opposite walls, and two trunks, each with one of the women's name carved into it.

Villanelle climbed onto the top bunk, and sighed, "I'm excited to go back to school. Only for something exciting this time."

"Villanelle, cut the act," Eve mumbled. "You should be pissed. I stabbed you."

"You didn't kill me Eve, so I can't be mad."

Eve changed into the new blue Ravenclaw pajamas at the foot of her bed and laid in the bottom bed of the bunkbed.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight Eve," Villanelle said back.

While Eve slept, Villanelle stayed up reading to get a head start on the textbooks, Charms, Potions, and Defense Against the Dark Arts. Even though a new world, called the wizarding world, was scary, she was very happy and excited that the 12 would no longer be a threat to her. She was special now.

CHAPTER THREE - First Day

When Eve and Villanelle walked down the corridor, they walked together. It was humiliating to be in a class with 11 year olds, so being together gave them a little dignity.

"The old serious lady said if I excel in my classes, I can skip a year or two until I find the right place. She suspects I'm going to be the brightest fourth year when May comes around."

"Good for you," Eve scoffed, then thought to herself 'I better be a fifth year by May.'

They got to the dark classroom together, and picked a bench near the back. Villanelle picked it, Eve just followed behind so she wouldn't get stuck with a kid.

Snape walked in with his usual growl on his face and looked at everyone.

"Students... As you may see..." His voice was hollow and gravely, "We have two new students with us. Please keep an eye on them so they don't blow up the place..."

Villanelle turned to the page assigned for the day, and got to work. She was slower than the other students since she had to find ingredients for the first time, but she was better than Eve, who hadn't done the assigned reading.

"Eve. Don't you know what to do?" the Slytherin asked.

"You really read that? It's silly. Kids are making it," she mumbled, starting to mess around with the ingredients.

Vilanelle rolled her eyes, and got a cauldron of her own, so Eve wouldn't ruin her potion. When 30 minutes passed, Vilanelle was just sitting by her cauldron waiting for the potion to brew. It soon bubbled and was steaming a bright pink steam.

Snape approached her, and glanced into the cauldron at the liquid. Villanelle saw him sniff it before raising his head again.

"Miss Astankova has completed her potion first. ten points to Slytherin."

A variety of cheers and boos filled the room, and two girls from first year ran over to the cauldron to get a peek.

"Miss Astankova, will you help us with ours? We're stuck on the Wolfsbane."

Villanelle smirked at Eve, then left to help the girls, leaving the Ravenclaw frustrated at the table. When class was dismissed, Villanelle had five first years following around her, all of them chattering about things they wanted to participate in.

"I can't play Quidditch until I learn to fly," Eve heard her say.

That's when Eve decided she had to learn first. She walked over to Snape and waited to get his attention.

"Severus, I was—"

"You may call me Professor Snape," he corrected her.

"Professor Snape, I'm sorry my potion wasn't successful. Tomorrow will be better."

"Good. I don't want to take any points from Ravenclaw."

"Right... Uh, sir, who can I speak to about flying lessons? There's no book, and I want to have an idea of the basics before my first class."

Snape crossed his arms and thought for a minute.

"I have an assistant. I will ask him to speak to you this evening at supper about flying lessons. His name is Draco Malfoy. He graduated a few years ago."

"Thank you! I won't let you down."

"I should hope so. Goodbye, Eve," he said.

CHAPTER FOUR - Flying and Butterbeer

At dusk Eve met Draco Malfoy on the quidditch field. He had a broom in each hand, and an annoyed look on his face.

"Let's get started. I only have an hour."

Eve watched all of his instructions carefully. His demeanor annoyed her, but he wasn't the first man to get on her nerves while attempting to teach something.

"Now let's see you have a go. I'm going to watch. I'll help if anything goes wrong."

Eve managed to summon her broom and mount it, then get a few feet of air and lower herself again, but her heart was racing when she landed.

"That was crazy!" She laughed. "Wow. I've never done anything like this before!"

"You can try again. Go higher."

"Is that allowed?"

"I don't care. You're not 11," he said and shrugged, "You can't perform underage magic no matter how stupid you are."

"Stupid? Malfoy, I'll have you know I work with top tier intelligence, and I should—"

Suddenly, Draco quickly leaped into the air on his broom, flying quickly away from her.

"Try and catch me!"

Eve struggled to gain ground at first, and soon found herself flopping around, hanging onto her broom for her life. But she couldn't let the arrogant young man win, just as she couldn't let Villanelle be the first to learn to fly. She managed to get her balance again, and met Draco near the third story of the castle on her broom.

"It looks like Villanelle is in there studying already. We're not meeting until eight," he told Eve.

Eve peered into the window into the library and saw Villanelle with a big stack of books.

"You're helping her?"

"Severus thinks she has potential, so I'm going to help her. I'd do anything for Severus."

Eve nodded, thinking back to the people at home: Carolyn, Bill, even Niko.

"I have people like that too. I hope I find some here."

Draco shrugged, "Read your Potions homework next time, okay? It really helps. I'm in the old Prefects dormitory. Come find me if you need help."

Eve was about to thank him when the clock tower began to chime.

"I have to go!" Draco exclaimed, suddenly zooming away on his broom to go to Villanelle.

Villanelle looked up when she heard the shout, smirking when she saw Eve floating by the window. She gave the Ravenclaw a little wave, and a thumbs-up, which caused Eve to roll her eyes.

That night, Eve was sitting in the bottom bunk reading her potions book. She even had a book beside her to write notes. Now that she knew what she was talking about, she was determined to have the best potion in the next day's class. She was only interrupted when Villanelle walked in with an armful of books.

"Villanelle, where have you been? It's late."

"Hogsmeade! Severus took me to get Butterbeer, you have to try some sometime. It's so good."

She set the stack of books on her desk and sat down to moisturize her face before bed.

"What are all of those books?"

"I think I've found my new favorite subject. Severus was telling me so much about it," she explained, tying her messy blonde hair back into a loose braid.

Eve peered over and read the cover of the first book, History of Early 20th Century Dark Arts.

"Villanelle, we haven't had our first day of Defense Against the Dark Arts yet."

"I know. I don't care about that, I want to learn more about the Dark Arts. It doesn't have to be used for evil. It's way more fun than Charms class."

Charms class is boring, Eve thought to herself, but Dark Arts sound dangerous. At least Villanelle would have Severus to protect her, even though Eve thought it was unfair that she got to call him Severus.

"Whatever. I'm going to bed."

"Goodnight Eve."

CHAPTER FIVE - Week Two (A Duel)

On their eighth day at Hogwarts, the women were well adjusted, but Villanelle was still succeeding at a faster rate than Eve. Snape had even invited her to attend Potions with the third years. Eve's strongest suit was flying and astronomy; she'd taken one astronomy class during University, so at least it was paying off now.

On Friday evening, there was a knock on Eve's door. It was Malfoy. "Polastri. Dueling Club. Grab your wand."

"Dueling Club?" She asked, and Draco was already down the hall from her.

Eve grabbed her thick black robe and wand and ran down the hall beside him.

"I don't know how to duel."

"Villanelle said she invited you and you agreed to come."

"She lied."

"Oh."

And there Villanelle was, standing at one end of the room, with Snape a few metres behind her. Eve gulped as she laid her robe down and stood at the opposite end of the room.

"McGonagall will be joining us shortly. With you being the eldest of the witches here, we are trusting you to engage in activities usually reserved for upperclassmen. We trust you will use your best judgement tonight, and show what skills you have acquired. Consider this an assessment of your first week," Snape explained.

Eve glanced at Draco nervously, and he gave her an encouraging nod. "Start with a bow to each other."

The women bowed. Villanelle didn't take her eyes off Eve until she heard McGonagall's footsteps. The instructor took a seat, and gave Snape a nod to say she was ready to observe.

"On my count," Snape said. "Three, two, one."

"Expelliarmus!" Villanelle exclaimed, and Eve's wand fell to the ground. She looked to Severus with a grin while her opponent picked up her wand again.

"Stupefy!" Eve shouted, pointed her wand at Villanelle.

Before the beam of light reached her, Villanelle put forward another spell. A shield, and though it was weak, it blocked Eve's weak hex.

"Protego!"

Eve was getting desperate, she yelled out the next curse she remembered.

"Flipendo!"

It was supposed to knock Villanelle back, but she knocked herself back instead. "Fuck!"

"Eve! Language!" Villanelle snapped, taking a few steps towards the Ravenclaw, who was still on the floor recovering.

"It's okay... I win."

"No you don't... I'm... I'm getting up," Eve muttered, getting to her feet once again.

"Furnunculus!"

Suddenly, Villanelle froze and broke out into boils. Snape and McGonagall both stood up and made disgusted faces.

"Let's get you an antidote," Snape sighed. "Come with me, Villanelle."

Villanelle stayed silent, surprised that her opponent could humiliate her like this in front of Snape and Draco.

"You'll pay for this, Eve," she whispered under her breath as she was led out of the room, leaving Draco alone with Eve.

When morning came, Eve opened her eyes to find she wasn't in the familiar bunkbed. Instead, she was in a chic black bed, in a room with a black ceiling and silver beams. She turned to her side, seeing Draco Malfoy asleep beside her. Oh god, she thought to herself as images from last night came to her head again. She'd been so upset that she let Draco comfort her. He was barely 25, but she'd spent the night with him.

Quietly, she got up from the bed and tiptoed to her pile of clothes on the other side of the room by Draco's leather couch.

"Good morning," she heard the young man's voice say.

He took a sip from the glass beside his bed when he stood up.

She got dressed, not even acknowledging him.

"Eve. I said good morning."

"Good morning Malfoy," she said finally when she pulled her black robes on.

"Goodbye."

"Eve. Come here tonight. Have dinner with me. Please."

"No, I need to study. We have a potions exam Monday."

"Fine... I will have to invite Villanelle instead."

"You obviously like her so much better, so go ahead."

Shortly after Eve left the room, Draco's body began shaking, and within minutes, Villanelle was in his place. The polyjuice potion had worked. After being cleared of boils and drinking her first advanced potion, Villanelle spent the night with Eve, and Draco, meanwhile spent the night as Villanelle with Snape.

Chapter Six - New Plans

By the time Eve and Villanelle had been at Hogwarts for a whole month, Eve was only in one first year class, and Villanelle was excelling in classes for third years and higher. Eve spent free time studying, or occasionally making out with Draco (who was sometimes Villanelle under Polyjuice Potion) in his room, or having mock races on brooms with other students. They'd even talked her into playing Quidditch with them.

Her and Villanelle now had separate rooms, and they barely saw each other. That is, Eve rarely saw Villanelle. But Villanelle often saw Eve under the guise of Polyjuice Potion or a brief invisibility charm. The truth was, she missed her greatly. She loved spending time with Snape and Draco, but something was still missing.

During the first week of March, Eve was recruited as Seeker of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team when the previous one was injured. So much time was spent on the field skirmishing. She enjoyed her time so much, she was beginning to considering becoming a Quidditch coach or a Flying Instructor if she didn't go back to MI6 after Hogwarts.

Villanelle spent many nights in the dungeons with Snape. They'd stay up late discussing details of Dark Magic, which fascinated her.

"Do you think I'm a sociopath?" She asked him one night after explaining particular interest in the Cruciatus Curse.

"No. Many witches find themselves interested in the Dark Arts. I myself am knowledgeable of them only because of my own interest in them. It is how I discovered Legilimency. Horcruxes."

"I don't have patience for Legilimency," Villanelle replied.

"What are Horcruxes?"

"A very ancient, dark form of magic. I shouldn't be sharing it with any student."

"I'm not any student... I'm Oksana. You like me."

Snape sighed and considered it for a moment.

"A Horcrux is an object made when one splits their soul... It is said to be used for becoming immortal. It's one of the most difficult tasks to execute, let alone master."

"Do you have a Horcrux?"

"No. But I would like one... And you can't tell anyone that."

"Why not?"

"They would assume I have bad intentions."

"And you don't have bad intentions?"

Snape shook his head, "I ultimately want to help Draco create one. I want to help him continue his bloodline. More souls, more chance of it, you see. And the LeStrange bloodline... Purebloods are dying out."

"I'm sorry I can't help with that. I'm a mudblood."

"Yes, you are," Snape stared at his fireplace as Villanelle moved closer to him to rub his back for comfort.

"Let me help you and Draco... I will learn more about Dark Arts."

"I don't know if that's wise, Oksana. It's dangerous."

"I have killed many people undetected. I can learn some forbidden spells."

"Unforgivable curses."

"I will learn all three. If I can show you my willingness to learn, will you allow me to help? Please?" Villanelle whined, and laid her head on Snape's shoulder.

"I will discuss it with Draco tomorrow evening. Going forward with this would require nightly meetings. It can't interrupt your studies."

"It won't, not after Quidditch is done. I'm playing in the match this weekend. And by then, I will have proven myself to you."

Snape lost his hand in her hair and looked into her glowing blue orbs. "I love when you talk to me like this."

Villanelle climbed onto his lap as he kissed her. Before long, their tongues were battling for dominance. When Snape won over, he laid her down on the couch and started untying her robes.

Five minutes later, Snape was resting on top of her catching his breath.

"That wasn't as good as last time," Villanelle said and sighed, but she forgave him since he was still kissing her neck.

"I need to go study now... I'll see you later, Severus."

CHAPTER SEVEN - Head to Head

When the weekend came, Villanelle spent Saturday morning prepping for the Quidditch match. She went for a jog, and took a hot bath before going to the tent behind the field. They divided the back off, so Villanelle had her own space to change away from other students, so it was easier for Snape to make his way inside.

"I wanted to wish you luck. Have a good match," he said and reached out to shake her head.

Villanelle stood on her toes and kissed him, "Thank you... Keep an eye on me, I have an idea for this game."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," he said.

Suddenly the horns started blaring to call the players to the field. Villanelle flew out and hovered near the center, squinting over at the Ravenclaw seeker; Eve. Eve hadn't mentioned to her that she was the new seeker. Now she'd really have to be bold to beat her.

Eve joined her in mid-air and watched Madam Hooch release the balls into the air. Minutes into the game, Villanelle took off towards the Ravenclaw goalposts. Eve followed behind, she must have the Snitch in her sight, she thought to herself. Suddenly, cheers burst through the crowd when Slytherin scored.

"Hey Eve!" Villanelle called. "I have to tell you something."

Eve kept her eyes peeled for the snitch, but listened, "What?"

"Have you read about the polyjuice potion?"

"Yeah... I glanced at a year six book. Why?"

"I made it. I tried it with Draco."

"When? What?" Eve asked.

"Think about when you have been very close to Draco," she said, then took off in the other direction.

"VILLANELLE!" Eve screamed, and hurried after her. Had she actually slept with Draco, or was it Villanelle? Was it really Villanelle that had been so enjoyable to be around?

Soon the score was 40-80, with Ravenclaw in the lead. Villanelle spotted the snitch a few metres beneath them. Now was her chance. She took off towards it, unsurprised when Eve followed.

Before long Eve was reaching out for it, yards away from them. Villanelle made contact with her wand in her pocket, turning the tip towards Eve while trying to keep it concealed.

"Crucio," she said softly.

Eve yelped in pain, letting go of her broomstick, "OW! SHIT!"

She went falling towards the ground, but Villanelle cast a floating body spell so she wouldn't hit the ground.

"Crucio," she repeated.

The eyes of everyone in the stand were on Eve, who was still writhing in pain.

Madam Hooch flew over to help her, and Snape escorted Villanelle off the field.

"What in Merlin's name was that?"

"You know what is was," she grinned. "I told you. I'm learning all of the curses."

"Villanelle, you can't do that, you can get expelled for this. The Ministry explicitly bans this curse."

"What, and Horcruxes aren't banned? How would the Ministry feel if I told them about your plans?"

Suddenly Draco walked in and glared at Villanelle, "How dare you hurt my girlfriend, filthy mudblood!"

"Girlfriend?" Villanelle asked, "Who, Eve?! Nice try! It's ME whose been with her, not YOU! You've been busy fucking Snape!"

"What?" Snape asked, and furrowed a brow.

"I—I—" Draco began and shook his head.

Villanelle cut him off. "He drank polyjuice potion to become me so he could fuck you!"

"What?!" Snape repeated, his face turning pale.

Draco turned red suddenly, and suddenly raised his wand.

"Last night?" Snape whispered.

"No, that was me," Villanelle said.

"Malfoy..." Snape whispered.

Draco was on the verge of tears, furious at Villanelle for revealing the secret.

"I hate you!"

"Malfoy, you'll get over it," She replied and rolled her eyes, but Snape looked more and more upset, and Draco was still on the verge of tears.

Suddenly Draco raised his wand with it pointed to Villanelle.

"Avada Kedavra!"

There was a green flash, and Villanelle collapsed.

"MALFOY!" Snape growled. "SOMEONE HELP!"

Madam Hooch ran into the room and lifted Villanelle into her arms.

"Let's get her to Madam Pomprey. If the curse wasn't strong, she can recover."

Villanelle was in a bed in the hospital wing when Eve ran in and looked over her.

"Oh... Villanelle...." She whispered, putting a hand on her cheek and leaning over her.

"I'm glad it was you and not Draco. I love you. I want to be a witch with you. I don't care that you cursed me, I still like you so much. Please don't be dead. Open your eyes, and look at me please. Or I'll go and kill Draco! I swear I will. Please, please."

"She's gone..." Madam Pomfrey whispered to Eve, "I'm sorry."

"No! No!" Eve sobbed, resting her forehead on Villanelle's.

Villanelle suddenly opened her eyes and looked at Eve.

"Sorry, baby.... A little curse can't kill me."

THE END

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