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If I Was Superman

I am the villain of the story.

By Kyle FergusonPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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You know in movies when the bad guy has some outrageous plan to blow up half the world so they can be united by grief and loss to better humanity or some shit, I have the unpopular opinion that they have the right idea, but the wrong execution. This doesn't mean I agree with the idea of mass genocide, or that I really like the Mad Max franchise a little too much, I just have the mindset that humanity has stopped advancing and are super fucking close to backpedalling back into the stone age permanently.

PAUSE. Let me explain myself before yall get me locked up in a mental asylum.

Humanity has had a taste for its own blood since we first picked up a rock and yeeted it over someones head for their share of some berries. Then we banded together in small cliques and started throwing up berry painted sigils like they were gang signs (West side motherfucker) and formed villages with territorial borders that other cliques invaded easier than Mexicans crossing the wall Trump wants to build. Anyway the point I'm trying to make with this late night energy-fuelled rant is this:

Stones became swords. Swords became guns. Guns became cannons. Cannon became machine guns. Machine guns became chemical weapons. And Chemical weapons became Atomic bombs. It's all been one big dick size measuring contest since like, World War 1 and at some point someones got to ask the question, TO WHAT END? Until you elect a leader so consumed with power and cockiness that he pulls the trigger and fires the final bullet (Probably Trump) and the world goes up in a radioactive pissing contest.

If Aliens Visited Earth

For centuries man has looked up at the stars and asked the question 'Are we alone in the Universe?' and I have an answer for you. I sure the fuck hope so. Why? The second humanity discovers alien life we'll have a "Fuck this planet I'm moving in a week anyway xox" space race that'll mostly be a war of resources to be the first to plant the flag on foreign planet soil and guess what? reread the previous paragraph. It's a never ending loop, rinse & repeat, a single Taylor Swift song that the autistic kid keeps playing and threatens to bite anyone who tries to touch the aux cord.

Okay okay, I digress a little, If aliens tried to invade Earth, humanity would get a kick in the dick and then present a unified front for the first time in like, fucking ever, to defeat the invaders. And we would win, that's the thing about humanity, we're the disease the planet just can't recover from no matter what it throws at us, (Famine, diseases, those pesky apocalyptic events like the Ice Age) and at some point Earth just accepted the fact it's got an STD that it can't get rid of.

We would unite you know, the battle would be beautiful, we'd all be singing Kumbaya by the campfire for as long as the battle raged on, but when the dust settles and our race yells that cheer for the final victory bell, the space race would begin and we would—once again, be divided.

If I was Superman:

For every kid who grew up trying to imagine being an unkillable Superhero, being the saviour that everyone loved I have to say something. Grow up. Heroes are only useful if people want to be saved. Military heroes are only honoured once a year for like a solid two minutes even though they fought for six years day and night, millions died and yet humanity learned it's lesson for like 20 years and went "You know, that really brought our country together, let's do it again". Real heroes don't even get the recognition they deserved, no one learned from their sacrifice. Take my favourite man in history, the original gangster, Abe Lincoln. This genuine hero didn't even need to kill to make effective change, the guy just simply just went "Fuck slavery" and rallied half a country with his words. Look where that got him, shot in the head, something everyone wants done to them when dragged to the Oprah. He wanted equality for all men, and that shit still hasn't happened yet. We may not have slavery, but black people are being shot in the streets by police officers.

So, here's the plan:

I get Superman' powers and,

Wait for it,

Keep waiting,

Execute every world leader on live stream.

That's 195 deaths for the sake of humanity. None of this 'Half the world' bullshit needed. Just 195. The reason all leaders gotta go? So they don't point the finger at each other like how World War 1 started, every single country on the planet would be out for a single man's blood and have a united front. Trying to kill the un-killable God. And of course there would some countries that would capitalise on the distraction and attempt invasive manoeuvre on lesser civilisations but then I'd just show up and be like "No bitch" and send them to their rooms with no food.

What would blossom out of this sin I don't hear you ask?

Better trade agreements, positive alliances and a whole shit load of technological advancement all to stop me. The bad guy. Possibly a stop to climate change too, can't live long enough to kill me if the planet boots you off first.

Resume.

Of course, this is all a work of fiction, I mean, Superman doesn't exist, but we are dipping our toe into the shark infested waters and we will have the audacity to act shook when one takes a big ole' chunk out of our legs. It's depressing sometimes, it's like the world broke a long time ago and you feel like you're the only one who noticed. We have to fix what we have done, before we can evolve into something greater.

Anyway, If we're lucky the world will blow up instantly and we'll all be stuck in Hell having to watch Logan Paul videos on repeat for eternity.

fan fiction
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About the Creator

Kyle Ferguson

I’m anti-everyone

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