Jesus Chrysler!

Jesus Chrysler! What's going on with Disney's 'Cars'?

If you haven't seen Disney's Cars and Cars2, a really great family film about making friends despite your differences, where have you been? Go watch it, then come back here and have a read of this. I can wait. Done? Good.

Did you notice Sarge the WWII Jeep? The one who is described on the Cars Wiki as being a "World War II Veteran"? The one whose license plate literally reads "41WW2"? Do you realize the implications here?!

That's right: in the Cars universe, WWII still happened. That means there's a car version of Hitler (I can only imagine they referred to him as "Mein Fueler"). Just imagine the world of Cars strewn with pieces of metal and torn out car parts, silhouettes of bomber planes in the night sky, and all the scared Jewish cars contained in scrapyards, waiting to be tortured and killed.

Hold up, did I just say "Jewish cars"? Yes, I did. Did you automatically imagine an Adam Sandler-looking car singing that annoying ass song? Here’s hoping celebrities like that didn’t actually make their way into the Cars universe.

Anyway, for WWII to have happened, there must be Jewish cars, right? I mean they were pretty central to the whole goings-on back then. Kind of necessary for the narrative, as terrible as that is. That means that there must have been Nazi cars too… I wonder if all of the other cars give Volkswagens the side-eye these days?

Now, I don't know about you guys, but my next question is: Are Jewish cars circumcised? How would that even work? The assumption I made here is that they must have something done to their exhaust pipe. Like take a little off the end or something? That's weird, Disney. Really, really weird.

"Are you saying there's religion in the Cars universe? That's insane!" Yeah, I hear you. I wouldn't believe it either if Mater didn't literally ask, "is the Popemobile Catholic?" Cars 2 even has a nice little appearance of the Car Pope. Interestingly, the Pope's tires read ALTUS VIA, which literally translates from Latin as "High Road." Pretty cool, and yet more solid evidence that this whole thing is legit.

You know what else this means? There’s no denying Car Jesus existed. Now I don't claim to know everything about cars whether real or fictitious, but I'm pretty sure you can't crucify one, but you can definitely crush them. My guess is that Jesus Chrysler was crushed-ified and left in a garage for a few days. Then, as the story goes, he rose again after a whole lot of bodywork and a complete oil change. Speaking of oil changes, do you reckon cars with stigmata bleed oil from their doors or something?

From here, I’m willing to guess at Buddhist cars being electric, making sure they don’t destroy any part of their environment and that they’re in complete harmony with the world. Tesla Gyatso is probably their Dalai Lama.

This is all really interesting, and my mind is completely blown, but now I need to know how deep this rabbit hole goes. How did WWI happen? How was Carchduke Ferdinand assassinated? How did they tear down the Berlin (Michelin?) Wall? I can only begin to imagine how the car history books are painted but I really want to read them.

You can refer back to this article if anybody tries to say that your theories on politics in Cars are wrong. Obviously, I'm pretty much an expert on Disney's Cars at this point, and as a leader in my field, I would like to tell you this whole thing is absolutely canon now.