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Katherine Ryan Posters, Arcade Toasters

& Other Proverbs (a.k.a. the Katherine Ryplan)

The dream of seeing Katherine Ryan live was finally (after two months, max) realised…in Rhyl. The last bit wasn’t part of the dream. Why is that woman so attractive to me? I don't understand myself.

She had a lot to live up to after the painful ticket purchasing process we went through. Not only one but TWO rejected card payments (a card that’s since been swallowed by a machine — foreshadowing?) and sub-par seats. After those issues it would have been so easy for the show in Rhyl to be anti-climactic. This would’ve only been a side problem if it was. The main problem being that we’d be in Rhyl.

After last minute difficulties, the show was only an hour long. The support couldn’t get there, we still don’t know who that was (it’d be really easy to just find out online but also really predictable). Katherine was wearing a pink glitter embedded costume with tight trousers and curved frills coming out the side. It could’ve been embarrassing — I almost wore the same outfit. She pointed out it looked like a certain reproductive organ but I only really noticed after she said. The only time I ever see a pussy is when I look in the mirror. Ha ha ha (or on the Iams cat advert — not a sponsor). The tour was called the Glitter room. There was a disappointing lack of glitter in the room. We didn’t have any glitter with us. Ironic, really, we had it the day before. Scientists have discovered it in Lowri’s bloodstream, so we really should have. The fact we were RIGHT at the back and the distracting height of the ceiling didn’t ruin the performance at all. The energy level maintenance was great. Yes, I know that sounds like a review for a radiator. The best early line was that she’s now single. The worst early line was that she isn’t looking for a boyfriend. I’ll take my complete lack of looks, talent, & personality elsewhere. Although, the fact she isn’t looking for a boyfriend just means we’ve got something in common — glass half full. Her semi-hyperactive, honest, observational commentary wouldn’t have gotten old even if she was there for three hours. What stands out is her improvised audience participation. I know so many people who would struggle and it puts me off trying stand-up, but she makes it look frighteningly natural. A more recent clip of her Southport performance...

Proves This Perfectly

She playfully commented on an actual fight (it was probably about the lack of glitter — I feel their pain). In the clip, she continues to make jokes amidst physical violence, she’s like the female Spiderman with a more outlandish costume. For the record, there is a Spiderwoman, but she doesn’t make jokes so the reference wouldn’t work. There was one joke about someone making their daughter come, which I wasn’t sold by — but she was in Rhyl, her senses were numbed. She threw in some healthy pop culture references, something not done quite extensively enough in comedy, but almost always worth listening to when it is. These references were mainly to Hamilton which she can quote with the capability and speed of any of the cast. I’d take a trip to London if she ever got a part in it, but I doubt she will. Also, I overplayed the soundtrack ages ago (not her fault). The fact she clearly enjoyed rapping out full quotes made me want to listen again. The insulting of Rhyl was a welcome feature. It’s like she was channelling our thoughts. She felt like that even after getting paid to be there, that’s when you know it’s real. Apparently after she tweeted that she’d be playing Rhyl most of her replies advised her not to, and most of them came from people who live in Rhyl. 

From the Night : A Picture o' Katherine Herself

Quality lacking due to moral position—and actual position. 

This wasn't taken by me. 

Her costume isn’t visible but that’s all we’ve got. Lowri took this not long after our conversation about how we don’t like people filming /taking too many photos at events like this. We made sure we didn’t take an amazing one after that because we’d be hypocrites. That’s the excuse I’m sticking to. 

For a Better Look at Her Outfit (Perfectly Visible in the Video — I'm Just Padding Now — Problem?)

This isn't my picture- I found it somewhere so a big thanks to whoever posted this. She wasnt even in Rhyl there- you can tell because she's happy. 

Her impressions of her daughter were seriously infectious. I (and by extension, Lowri) found that out the hard way. I really hope her daughter doesn’t actually speak like that though. It’d replace all humour with tragedy.

One minor complaint is that neither of the jokes we wrote for her earlier that day (without her knowing) were used. A bigger complaint was about a slightly missed joke at the end of the performance. We couldn’t even pretend to find that one funny. It’s a shame, if she’d just decided not to use it, the gig would’ve been a solid 10/10. Despite our complaints about though, neither of us were too principled not to request free posters. All I need to do now is buy a house to get the wallspace for it. Until then, it’ll remain tragically unframed. It’ll just have that much more impact when it’s finally up.

One day we’ll have enough arcade tickets to get the second most valuable item on earth after a free poster: a toaster that the arcade gives out as a prize. No, seriously, an arcade in Rhyl gives toasters as prizes for the right amount of tickets — the money you’d spend to get them is probably more than any toaster in the world, but still. Katherine Ryan posters and arcade toasters. ‘Only when two items rhyme can their true value be realised’. That’s an old Chinese proverb (that originated in South Wales… a few seconds after I wrote it).

After the gig and the free poster collection, there was only one thing left to find out: is there a men’s version of her outfit?

Ignoring that, though, because I have to in order to give this a dramatic ending: mission accomplished (finally I can say it).

I struggled to find a concluding song, then detective work (knowing what YouTube is) brought me here...

Unlike the last two songs, it's unrelated to the weekend overall; those straws are unusable after I clutched them so tightly. 

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