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Lifetime Review: 'Ex-Wife Killer'

Hopefully, this wretched mess will be lying in the grave with the deceased ex-Missus.

Even Arianne Zucker can't save this flick.

With 2017 coming to a much needed close (will it be jinxing to hope for a better 2018?), Lifetime is celebrating the end of another year with a marathon of fun, melodramatic movies. So to kick off 2018, I decided to write reviews of some of these TV screen gems in all their extravagant glory. First off, Ex-Wife Killer...

UGH.

If I could, that would be the only word I'd use to describe this stinker of a feature. But since I need to reach a 600 word limit, I guess I have no other choice but to torture you with the details to this lifeless, bare bones corpse that has the gall to call itself a movie.

Josie (Marguerite Moreau) has what many would consider to be a fairly good life: beautiful, running a successful flower shop (don't ask me how a florist shop could survive in the era of Amazon and Wal-Mart, I have no idea either), and a hunky co-worker who has the hots for her (He knows what kind of music she loves, so you know they're meant to be!). But in the Lifetime universe, whenever someone has a perfect life, a psychotic nanny or vengeful figure from the past comes along to ruin everything in 90 minutes.

This time, the plot catalyst comes in the form of Josie's ex-husband Michael (Jordan Belfi), who wants to help expand Josie's floral business. Along with that comes his vengeful wife, Laura (Days of Our Lives alumni, Arianne Zucker), who begins to wreck havoc on Josie and Michael with typical stalker tropes: threatening messages in marker, attempted poisonings, and elegant vases smashed to bits with golf clubs. But as often happens in the Lifetimeverse (TM), just when it appears that the danger can't get any worse, things are revealed to be not as simple as they initially appear...

Hopefully, that plot synopsis makes Ex-Wife Killer sound as accurately boring as it is. While Moreau, Belfi, and Zucker all give decent enough performances and prevent this movie from being totally unbearable, the plot is so dry and by-the-numbers that even the most seasoned Lifetime fans will find themselves flipping the channel to escape the stench of boredom. Most of the plot, for some reason that I will never understand, centers around Josie and Michael working together to improve Josie's business, which plays out like the the most boring episode of Shark Tank ever. Even the film's plot twist does nothing but bring this film down even lower, as it is all flavors of implausible and ridiculous and will be seen coming from a mile away. While originality isn't Lifetime's strong suit, the better movies at least know how to repackage their well-worn plotlines in a way that makes them entertaining to watch for the umpteenth time; Ex-Wife Killer doesn't even have that going for its' favor.

The Lifetime Movie aesthetic has taken a lot of bad rep from the general public, and sadly Ex-Wife Killer doesn't do the channel any favors with its' boring pace, mediocre characters, and unbelievably stupid twist. If you want a fun Lifetime flick about a crazy ex-lover looking for revenge, watch Deadly Ex (which surprisingly, also stars Marguerite Moreau as the beleaguered heroine). As for Ex-Wife Killer, we can only hope Lifetime lets it rot in the proverbial graveyard where all of its' mediocre and lifeless movies can rot away into obscurity like it deserves. As long as I live and write, movies like Ex-Wife Killer will not allow people to unfairly believe Lifetime is nothing but garbage television.

Score: 2 out of 10 golf clubs

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