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Not Today

#VocalGOT

By Cambria CovellPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Arya Starks mantra in Game of Thrones, when asked, “What do we say to the god of death?” is to reply, “Not today.” From the time I was thirteen months old, I wasn’t supposed to survive. I have a hole in my heart, a condition called tetralogy of fallot. I grew up always knowing I was different. Most other kids didn’t have to go for routine checkups once a year to get their heart monitored, or even know what a cardiologist was. By the time I was twenty-five, I had to have my valve replaced. I was lucky, and got a less invasive surgery with an experimental trial called, The Melody Valve. But during the months leading up to it, and the time surrounding it, I was at a complete loss. Weirdly, what got me through was watching other people’s messy lives. Game of Thrones being one of the things that got me through. Arya was this determined little girl with brown hair who was a bit of an outsider, much like me, constantly compared to her older, prettier sister, much like myself. My own sister spent her high school career modeling on the weekends, and I was holed up writing Harry Potter fanfiction, and watching Gilmore Girls before it was cool, while memorizing Taylor Swift lyrics with no love life of my own.

I didn’t get normal. I couldn’t. Not when I have a big, scar down my chest as a constant reminder of what my life would be when I’m older. A steady stream of doctors visits, regulated diets probably consisting of fish and salmon, and as for dating… it’s impossible to even imagine when you’ve got a scar that makes it look like you’ve had an autopsy. Or at least that's what I tell myself when I am at my lowest. Sometimes, it's really hard to get by, and fiction is what makes it so that I can.

Two of my sisters have followed in the family footsteps, and work with horses. One is a chef. And the other runs her own business with her family. They have made their own lives, and I am proud of each of them for what they’ve built for themselves. They have each found their own version of happiness. In season one, when Ned details her future as a lady, Arya replies, “No, that’s not me,” I have never felt something more fiercely in my life.

I knew I was going to walk a different path from my family from the start. I had to. I had to think about things they didn’t. Not drinking, because alcohol affects the heart. A constant, steady stream of failed diets that lead to eating issues, and body image problems. A learning disorder that made it so it took me ten years just to achieve my associate's degree, because I couldn’t do math. Asthma. Anxiety. Heart palpitations make socializing a bitch, FYI, when you think you’re always nervous.

The surgery took a lot from me. Gave me a lot too. Perspective. Ambition. And sometimes, if it weren’t for Arya’s mantra, I don’t honestly know if I would have survived it. I’m a writer. I write for a website called, Dreame, that is basically YouTube for writers, helping young women make careers for themselves as authors. Words are important to me. They are my life’s blood. My work. The world runs on blood and ink. One cannot exist without the other.

Arya’s words are carved into a special place on my heart, with the experimental valve that keeps me alive. Our life consists of nothing but stories. The ones we make, and the ones that are told for us.

When you have surgery twice in your life, you realize someone wants to keep you around. At first, you get kind of pissed off about it. Because what the hell is the fucking point of living, if you’re just going to keep on getting cut into like George R.R. Martin is scripting your life? If getting hacked into so young has taught me anything, it’s exactly the words from Game of Thrones. Anyone can kill anyone. And anyone can die at any moment.

But, in turn, anyone can also survive any moment. It’s all in how you go about living. That, also, is what defines Arya Stark and the show. If death comes, you’ve only got to know how to respond to it.

I am fully aware that I will have multiple surgeries in my life. Repairs are part of having a heart condition. But it’s comforting to know that when I’m at my lowest, I’ve got Arya’s words to keep me going. Sometimes, a little reassurance is all we need. After all, if Arya can survive, can't we all?

“What do we say to the god of death?”

“Not today.”

Because, if Game of Thrones has taught us anything during its long, breathtaking, eighth season run, it is that surviving, even in the worst times, is a triumph itself, just for the pure act of doing it. And that in itself is power, because even Kings and Queens turn to corpses in the end.

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About the Creator

Cambria Covell

I'm a twenty-something geek girl obsessed with storytelling in all forms. I write for an app called Dreame as a serial fiction author and have published under the name C. McGrath for a novel called All The Right Notes.

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