Oscars Countdown: 'The Post'

The Post made for an interesting study of expectations affecting one’s viewing experience. Full disclosure, I made fun of this movie’s trailer for some time. I called it Movie: The Movie because it seemed laughably generic. Even the title screen, while it did maintain the newspaper theme, threw some stock font on a black background. They then shamelessly sold legendary lead actors and a similarly esteemed director to draw interest, despite the film itself showing nothing interesting upfront. Then I had to go watch this thing because it snagged a Best Picture nomination.

Full Disclosure

I’m sharing this all as an introduction in the name of full disclosure, and can promise I nonetheless entered the theater with an open mind. I always clear my expectations just before a movie starts. I know plenty of people who enjoyed The Post, and most critics seem to agree. But despite the many trustworthy opinions of others, I have to say I genuinely hated this movie. Try to trust me; I thought Phantom Thread would bore me to death and its one of my favorite nominees. This must be moviedom’s way of restoring balance to that force.

Cinematic journalism, especially of the investigative variety, is definitely an interest of mine. I campaigned hard for Spotlight, singing its praise in all directions. I told everyone who would listen that it deserved Best Picture over the then-favored The Revenant. I should enjoy The Post. Anyone interested in media should enjoy The Post. But it lacks any shred of personality outside of some admirably desperate efforts from Tom Hanks. If Tom Hanks is only barely charismatic, your moviemaking efforts have been a catastrophic failure.

Meryl Sleep

I recently said 2017 was the best year in movie history for leading female roles. I stand by that claim, which makes the routine Meryl Streep nomination more suspect than usual. She spends the entire film mumbling through what I can only refer to as an Obi-Wan Kenobi accent, meaning English but not really. Every scene feels as if Streep was pushed out of bed to be on camera, so much so that her character starts crawling out of her literal bed to appear in scenes. I ought to compile some footage to include in my extensive Vicky Krieps for Best Actress campaign.

As a character, this is a cripplingly indecisive lead until she’s made out to be some sudden hero of the people for the final five minutes. I’m sure there’s a character arc buried in there, but the transition is laughably sudden and completely unearned. Spielberg may have a habit of telling viewers how to feel, but the guy usually does so with some movie magic and a vision. I’m sure the real life Kay Graham saw some quality character development to reach her many accomplishments, but that development doesn’t see much justice in this film.

Made for TV

There are some made-for-TV moments that feel as if they’ve been plucked from a Hallmark movie. And I say that with an accompanying apology to Hallmark movies, because they know exactly what they’re aiming for and aren’t pretentious enough to want Oscars. For example, instead of making the lead character a memorable role model for aspiring young women (something that should be a bit of a layup in this movie), The Post simply has a horde of young, female extras appear to stare at Meryl Streep with admiration towards the end. As if driven 20-somethings just spawn on this woman’s position to show the audience how we should be feeling.

A Rushed Project

Everything about this movie seemed rushed, as if these three big names stayed up the night before their homework was due to crank out a halfhearted essay for a class that didn’t matter. I was so sure of this that I had to look into the possibility and, wouldn’t you know, this was almost exactly the case. Spielberg and company made the entire thing in nine months for the sake of being topical. More specifically, they rushed this production to land in the midst of our trendy president vs. press conversation.

This political climate isn’t one people are going to forget, and it certainly won’t look too different in a year. A proper version of The Post might’ve made for a fine 2019 release. Instead, I can only describe this project as I’d describe people who quote CNN in their sleep. The Post would’ve been better as an SNL skit. They at least know how to wink at the camera with little time to prepare.

The Mediavengers

I’m not here to spoil The Post, an irrelevant movie that’s also based on real events. But it is worth safely mentioning that the end of this movie is maybe the most unintentionally funny thing I’ve seen in a long time. Without saying what happens, I’ll mention how they decide to throw in some generic action music at the tail end of a film that has none. It’s a weirdly suspenseful, ill-fitting sequence, and we’re suddenly in Mission Impossible. It’s as if The Post wanted a sequel, one I’m sure Spielberg would jot down on a lunch break napkin just in time for the 2018 midterm elections. I expected The Avengers tag after the credits, saying, “Kay Graham will return.” I can’t even describe this properly and it’s not worth surviving the entire runtime to witness a few snippets of accidental comedy.

The Verdict

I only say The Post probably isn’t as bad as this review suggests because I’m suggesting The Post is so mind-numbingly bad. That opinion places me in a minority, so by all means watch the film and disagree. Again, people I trust did like it. Perhaps The Post is made worse by the fact that it really is Movie: The Movie, and there are so many available 2017 films that rise above that level of painfully average. Last year produced some real game-changers, and The Post seems like the Academy’s stubborn attempt to resist that cinematic innovation.

I’m trying to think of a single thing I actually liked about this movie. There’s a fleeting bit with a girl’s lemonade stand that granted me one smile in The Post’s 116 minutes. Hang on…I’m gonna go find out who she is so we can start giving the right people credit from this production. One moment please…

Ok it’s Austyn Johnson. Eleven years old, and she’s already been better than Meryl Streep in an Academy Award nominated film. She’s had on-screen chemistry with Tom Hanks earlier in life than I could pull a B in Earth Science. Johnson is also in The Greatest Showman, and you can find her on a 2018 episode of Kevin Can Wait. Excellent stuff from Austyn Johnson. The Post sucked.