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This week has been an emotional one, one in which I find myself looking at videos or listening to music and instantly cry. I blame it on the "red tide" since during the time, my emotional senses are heightened and I am at the mercy of it.
I had two days off and while I had been in my mind about thinking about things throughout the week such as work or money, I had been blessed with days off. What should be a time to relax and NOT think—that's all I do on my days off. The question that I have been pondering on has been, "What am I doing with my life?"
Hulu had finally put Pitch Perfect 3 on their listing of new release and I had been waiting to see the movie since the second. Going back to when the first movie had came out, I had been excited to see how much the characters had grown and that the third installment would not disappoint. The colorful characters, now older and living their adult lives and immediately I started reflecting on my own life... at 29, the brink of the 30.
First, I think "Jesus, how did time go by so damn fast?" by following, "What the hell have I been doing with my life, thus far?" I remember being in high school and I wasn't worried about going to college. College was THE furthest thought in my mind when it came down to the "What's Next" that life entails. I was more worried about being like and remembered in school which didn't happen. I wasn't Valedictorian since I was to believe I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't the star athlete that my skills would carry me through college, possibly to the Olympics. I wasn't a great artist, actress or even musician. Though these areas are my favorite things that made me happy, all I had ever done was try and somehow get to a point that people would turn their heads and say, "Oh, did you see what she did on the field? She's going to go on to do great things?" Teachers pushed me through each level. Coaches looked at me like I was just another child just trying to get through the system that was boarding school. I wasn't that. At All. I wanted to be great, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to be confident in myself to continue forward in finding what career or dreams would be best for me. I wanted to have adults see something in me and mentor me to where I would be good in whatever I wanted to be good in.
Leaving a school that had housed me since I was 8-years-old, "molded" me, practically raised me; I was still unsure of myself and skills. I was unsure of myself and what I wanted to do in life. College seem like the next step and going in, I still was unsure what I wanted to do. Where did I fit in? A Black girl, who went to a boarding school, to a college that was outside of the walls of Milton Hershey School. Going to college with very different people with VERY different experiences—the one fact that was true, we all wanted a successful career in whatever "Major" we chose. Over a course of 4.5 years and after 8 Major changes, I was still indecisive.
The women in the movie had "jobs" of which they had later branched off to do whatever the next steps in their occupations were to lead. Not me. I had only had jobs that led to nowhere or had jobs that I wouldn't stay too long in. Retail never moved me up and since I had ruined that option with having a "record," it was going to be a minute until I could even apply to go back in that sector. I had moved around throughout the state of Pennsylvania later moved to California and explored the areas of the West coast to as far up as Canada. I found a passion for travel but that didn't pay the bills, just created more and leaving other bills to pile up.
Now, I was paying the piper for the years of being irresponsible and essentially running from the fact that I, still, did not know what I want out of life. What was I good at? What the HELL was my purpose in life?
I had so many reasons why I couldn't pursue my passions. Allowing the fact that I had never got recognition for those passions, I had stopped pursuing them. Comparing myself to anyone who had the same passions like myself and are "better" than me; I gave the idea of me becoming great in those passions up while only banking on my Bipolar side effects to motivate me to continue and push forward. Periods of Mania that I had experience are the periods in which I feel that I actually... can do it. Whatever "it" would be. I had been tired of feeling low and unwilling to do anything towards my dreams of being great at something. I still question what I was actually good at. The whirlwind of negative talk had taken a hold of my whole life and now at the brink of 30, something had to give. Something NEEDED to give.
Watching the movie progressed and the characters made it to the very end, being sure as to what they were going to do after they performed their last performance, I couldn't help but to cry. They were going off to do what they loved and the group supported their "sister" as she goes on and become a solo artist. That scene caused chills throughout my body and a lump in throat. Whatever I had decided to pursue or do in this life, I knew that I had support behind me. Not the magnitude that Anna Kendrick had done but I wanted to be her. I wanted to aspire to be as confident as she was when she decided to pursue her dreams and feel the energy that surrounded her during her final performance from her friends. I just didn't know in what.
As she sung George Michael's rendition of "Freedom '90" I felt a surge of power to feed the idea of "Yes, I can" do whatever my dreams were and continue to find love in the things that create happiness in my life. I would able to let go of those fears that had been holding back for years and excel in way I couldn't imagine. The lights dimmed behind the Barden Bellas and as Anna sung beautifully, I felt that I, myself, was capable of anything and that freedom is truly within my reach to achieve. In every area of my life, I had allow the chains of negative thoughts and beliefs to tie my life down for the last 29 years. After watching the movie, I believe that each day is a day that I can muster the strength to lose the restraints and move towards my goals.