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Reed Alexander's Review of 'X Moor' (2014)

Or... The Beast of Wasting My Fucking Time

SPOILERS!

The Beast of X Moor or… The Beast of Wasting My Fucking Time...

Really? You're going to set me up for a creature feature flick, and fuck it up with The Scooby-Doo Effect before it even gets started? I mean, at least you didn't try to pass it off like some bullshit twist, but fuck you and the beast you road in on. Look, just because you confess to The Scooby-Doo Effect in the first ten minutes does not make it okay. The whole fucking point of a creature feature flick is that we want to see THE GOD DAMN MONSTER! HALF THE FUCKING POINT IS THE BUILD UP TO THE BIG FUCKING MONSTER REVEAL AT THE END!

I didn't come to watch this movie for a replay of The Most Dangerous Game in reverse. I came for a fucking werewolf! Or, I don't fucking know, at least that thing from Brotherhood of the Wolf. I'd take a wild cat trained to be a murder machine over some lame-ass letdown like this. And you know what this all smacks of? Laziness. Plain laziness. Monsters are hard to design and easy to screw up. Quite clearly, they wanted a serious movie and blowing everything on a rubber monster can be kind of a crap shoot. I get it, even with modern CG, it can look like garbage and make an otherwise amazing movie fucking terrible or even worse, impossible to take seriously. Humans are just easier to work with and we’re already pretty scary with just enough of the right motivation.

BUT THIS IS ALL BESIDES THE FUCKING POINT! If I wanted to see a serial killer movie, I'd fucking watch Stage Fright. Which, mind you, has been sitting in my queue for over two years because that's how often I want to watch a serial killer movie. Most serial killer movies are too busy "Spoon Feeding the Villain" to be of any interest to me. Fucking CHRIST! Who thought up this shit?! Was the studio like, "Alright, we'll set the whole thing up to look like a creature feature horror, then BAM, it's actually a serial killer movie. But WAIT, it's not just a serial killer movie! It's about a hunter who wants to get revenge on a serial killer, so he drags two saps out onto the moors for NO DISCERNIBLE FUCKING REASON, and basically leave those two poor bastards there to die."

There’s your plot right there. Think that over for a minute. A hunter tricks his cryptozoologist friend into believing there’s a cryptid in the moors when he’s actually about to go on a hunt for a serial killer. Why is her character even in this movie? They don’t even remotely try to explain his logic behind involving her.

Seriously though! I desperately grasped at straws for fucking hours trying to rationalize this bullshit! If he needed fucking bate, why didn't he just drag along the crack whore that got away? Why convince a cryptozoologist (who is apparently a good friend if you can fucking believe that) to come out and basically be more of a problem than she's worth, even as bait. If he needed the equipment, why not just borrow it, or fucking rent! Look, the writer and director could have easily made this fucking movie without the needless setup. It actually could have even been a good movie if it was just honest. A man wants to hunt a serial killer, gets a group of specialists together, they get picked off one by one until a showdown at the end. Everyone dies. Fuck, I’m a genius, where’s my fucking movie budget?!

So, instead I watched about 30 minutes of what I was expecting to be a creature flick, right before the movie is like, ""ook... I have to be honest with you. You're not watching a movie about some monster unless you wanna get technical. You're watching a serial killer movie. I'm sorry I lied. Wait! Don't turn me off yet! It's really good I swear! Put the remote down! I promise you won't be disappointed! PLEASE DON'T HIT THE OFF SWITCH!"

Fuck you movie! You betrayed me. *click*

Reed Alexander
Reed Alexander

The world is one marvelous catastrophe waiting to happen. When humanity is long gone, I hope my work is found by intergalactic explores so they can learn about the great failed experiment called human society (a sort of "I told you so").

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