Squirrels With Guns

What if they were just a little more intelligent?

I threw this together during my lunch break one day. A short read with a little light humor, but could turn into a major disaster. Enjoy. 

The man reached into the trunk of his car, grabbing the last bag of groceries. He stepped back with the bag in one hand and started to close the trunk lid when he felt a nudge on the back of his leg, just below the knee. He turned, expecting to see a toy left by one of the neighbor kids.

What he did see caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand up. His heart rate instantly doubled as a red laser beam slowly moved up his face and stopped in the center of his forehead.

The gray squirrel was standing on its hind legs. A flak jacket covered its chest but dropped down almost to its feet. Either it was a very poor fit or possibly a modified rain coat painted to match the local brush, and with the sleeves ripped out. But the most important accouterment was the miniature M16 with the laser targeting scope.

The silence seemed to last forever as the man contemplated his options. He knew how reactionary the squirrels could be. A slight twitch and he could be a bloody corpse laying in the driveway. Assassinated by a squirrel.

The man drew in a breath in preparation of asking the squirrel what he wanted. He assumed the squirrel was a “he”. He wondered if the females were this aggressive?

Before he could utter a “What…” the squirrel spoke in a high-pitched gravelly voice, “Peanuts! Gimme peanuts!” The squirrel’s tail started twitching up and down, smacking the driveway without a sound. The squirrel continued rapidly, “Peanuts, peanuts! I’ll shoot. Gimme peanuts!”

The man slowly moved his free hand out toward the squirrel — palm facing out. “D’ don’t don’t shoot!” he responded in as mild a voice as he could muster.

He slowly kneeled down and placed the bag on the driveway. He reached into the bag and pulled out the full two pound, clear bag, of roasted and shelled peanuts.

The squirrel’s tail twitched even more rapidly as he watched the man place the bag of peanuts onto the driveway.

The bushes off to the side of the driveway seemed to explode as four more squirrels ran out. They were chattering rapidly as they scrambled over to the bag of peanuts — each one grabbing a corner of the bag. The squirrel with the gun kept the laser dot pointed on the man’s forehead as the four other squirrels ran off with the bag of peanuts.

The squirrel with the gun slowly backed away from the man — the gun still pointed at the man’s forehead. When it was out of kicking distance the squirrel quickly turned and dove off into the bushes.

The man paused for a minute to make sure the last of the squirrels were gone. He picked up the bag of groceries and reached inside to pull out another two-pound bag of peanuts. As he turned and closed the trunk lid of the car, he chuckled to himself, “You’d think they would learn by now I always keep a spare.” He laughed as he disappeared into the house.

Copyright (c), 2017 Timothy Trimble

Reviews

I used to have this on the inkitt.com site. Now that I've moved the piece to Geeks, I wanted to bring over a couple reviews this story received.

Made Me Laugh

"Painted a scene of normalcy before the conflict began. It's almost cute, imagining a tough little squirrel with a gravelly voice and his "thugs." Its supposed to be funny but at the same time grave. Made me more amused when the ending hints that it always happen." Five stars! Calliecature.

Cute Story

"Hi Timothy,

Thanks for posting. It made me chuckle.

It reminded me of a newspaper interview I read, many years ago with the comedian Eddie Izzard.

Q. What keeps you awake at night?

A. Cats with guns.

Q. How would you like to die?

A. In a gunfight with cats.

Q. How would you like to be remembered?

A. He fought cats well." Four stars. David A Llewellyn.

Timothy's latest novel, "Air Born - Do You Dream of Flying?" can be found on Amazon.com, via his website, or at your local bookstore. Reviews, book selfies, and cookies are greatly appreciated.

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Squirrels With Guns