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Quick recap of the Super Bowl movie trailers and how they look, with this super sophisticated rating system: Shit/Nothing/Solid/Fuck Me.
Honestly, this just looks like run-of-the-mill nothingness.
'Avengers: Infinity War'
Please don't let them fuck this up.
Also, it would be a 'Fuck Me' rating, but it's like half a second long and almost nothing happens.
'The Cloverfield Paradox'
Just nothing. I'll watch it and let you know if it's any good. It'll be on Netflix shortly, or right now—quick, go check.
We get to find out why the events of Cloverfield happened; I'm sure I give a fuck, but I'll give it a go.
'Solo: A Star Wars Story'
Besides the constant fear of Alden Ehrenreich being a no-good Han, this looks cool as fuck. Also, Donald Glover steals this entire trailer with one frame. What a sexy, talented, suave lil' fucker.
'A Quiet Place'
Rating: Fuck Me
This just looks super interesting and right up my street. I want to watch this now and just fear any noise that gets made. It's got a post-apocalyptic, shit-the-monsters-are-here vibe—I guess if the Season 2 Stranger Things outbreak wasn't contained and it felt a bit like The Last Of Us. Or, at least, that's the vibe I'm getting.
'Jurassic Park: Fallen Kingdom'
I'm down for Jurassic Park as much as the next person—especially the next person who was a child in the 90s. But, like, I'm not sure how to feel about any of the stuff coming out of this film's ad campaign. I'm not even sure I know what's happening.
I'm in, but only because it's Jurassic Park, so my brain is auto in, even though the majority of Jurassic Park films are nothing films; I just like looking at dinosaurs.
Now, that's not a rating for the film, it's a rating for the 10 second clip of nothing I just watched telling me there's a trailer on... Sunday? I think it said Sunday, I've already forgotten.
'Mission Impossible: Fallout'
Rating: Fuck Me
We watched a shitty Justice League film and obsessed about Cavill's weird lips, and now you can see why. Except literally 0.000001 seconds after good ol' Henry comes on screen, you stop paying attention to the moustache and just watch him be a badass.
The team's back together and I love it. Just give me it now. It looks so action-packed and funny.
Simon Pegg is a babe.
Tom Cruise is a scientologist, but whatever, look at him go.
For Your Netflix Binge Till the Movies Come Out:
If you click "more info," that will magically become a comfy hoodie. No lie. Do it, I'm not kidding. I don't know why it's showing a T-Shirt. Mad.
There's also a mug for your hot chocolate and a clock to see how much time you've wasted.
There's even a duvet cover, or just a big acrylic block. I don't know what you'd do with that, but it's there.