'The Meg'

Jonas said something attacked them.

Something big enough to destroy a new submarine.

I’m happy I’ve watched this movie on the big screen. On the silver screen, the Megalodon (hence the title The Meg) was even more impressive. But that’s the only thing that can be said about this film. Every film with a shark as the main subject that suddenly transforms into a psychopathic, bloodthirsty hunter, is of course mercilessly compared to the film of all films Jaws. A milestone in this genre and unbeatable. Give The Shallows and 47 Meters Down a chance and you’ll notice that you watch it rather apathetic without any sense of tension. If you want to stand out in the shark genre, you can throw in some tornadoes so sharks move around in a strange way. By air that is. In case of The Meg, they brought in a prehistoric shark who managed to swim through a sort of natural barrier in the ocean. If you want to exceed Jaws, you make it all even bigger and more impressive. But apart from the gigantic dimensions of The Meg, this film was nowhere truly gigantic.

I was looking forward to seeing The Meg, even though I knew it would be a fiercely exaggerated and brainless spectacle. The fact that Jason Statham plays in it was good enough for me to give it a try. You never get bored with Statham. And it’s always fun to see him kick someone’s ass. I was curious to see how he would handle this giant shark. That was the first thing I was disappointed with. It looked as if they had made a serious Statham out of him. No dry humor and witty one-liners. All the familiar humor gone. And probably they also threatened to wash his mouth out with soap every time he would start to swear and say the “F” word. Statham the deep-sea diver who’s pining away somewhere in an Asian bar because he’s feeling guilty about abandoning his former crew on the bottom of the ocean. And afterward, there’s also something romantic between him and the Chinese oceanographer Suyin (Bingbing Li). And he also takes care of the lovely daughter Meiying (Sophia Cai). Can it be cornier?

Yes, it can be even cornier when the giant shark also starts to behave civilized. Admit it. Don’t you think such a mega-shark is constantly hungry? So when he ends up near an overcrowded beach with an immense amount of young people splashing in the salty water, wouldn’t you expect a bloodbath with an unprecedented number of torn teenage bodies? It’s not that I look forward to such a scene, but you expect that a little bit anyway. Again this was a disappointing feature. I even began to doubt the proper functioning of the natural radar system of this giant shark. And furthermore, there was only one moment I almost jumped out of my skin when an innocent young whale bumped into a window. That says a lot about the eeriness of this movie.

Isn’t that what you want to see while watching a movie like this? The increasing tension and the redeeming end in which the endangered characters kill that vicious animal. You sigh with relief as you see the dismembered carcass of the shark sink to the bottom of the ocean. And you feel sorry for the attacked victims. In this film, it’s the other way around. I almost cheered the moment the most annoying character in the film saw the giant, razor-sharp teeth of the shark in close-up. In fact, I hoped that The Meg could somehow return to its natural habitat, after which mankind would finally realize not to break the rules of Mother Nature every time. And that final fight was like the battle between Captain Ahab and Moby Dick.

All in all, this wasn’t really worth a visit to the cinema. I’m already glad they made a mistake at the candy stand and gave back too much cash, so the candy me and my wife bought was almost for free. The popcorn tasted twice as good during this popcorn film. And mind you, not because of the movie. It had nothing to do with that. In retrospect, The Meg was a mega disappointment.

My rating 4/10