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Bourbon Issues will be a semi-daily, 30-minute studio production featuring guests comparing notable French royalty, Louis de Bourbon (1530-1569 and Louis de Bourbon (1668-1710).
The proposed host for the show is this guy we found. His name is Steve. He’s great! You’ll love him. Everyone loves Steve.
Given the intense, nationwide, nigh-unstoppable fervor for programs comparing the two Louis de Bourbons, it will be almost impossible for there not to be a predictably endless supply of people rushing the door and beating each other in an attempt to get on our show.
Because of this, we want to have an interview process at the beginning of the show in which we weed out the wannabe-fair-weather Louis de Bourbon fans from the real, hardcore "de Bourbon fanatiques!"
For our pilot episode, we already have this guy Steve and he says he also knows some other guys and they “...totes know about all that weirdo Frenchy stuff.”
In addition, we’ll have questions prepared for our contestants, questions such as "Which Louis de Bourbon was made Chevalier du Saint Espirit, and later a colonel of the Bourbon-Infanterie Regiment?"
And other questions like, "This Louis de Bourbon had a younger brother who married Jeanne d’Albret, Queen of Navarre. Which Louis de Bourbon was it? What was the younger brother’s name? In what year were they married? What was noteworthy about their marriage according to the French political scene at that time? Please explain your answer in less than 2,000 words (in French)."
Nobody has committed as a sponsor! There are pretty much no other potential sponsors, also!
Production costs would be exorbitant.
We want to film live in the Louvre Museum, broadcasting on every network (globally), five nights a week, with 11 cameras (10 of which will be reserved for multi-angle shots of our host, Steve).
Steve said he’d host the show for the price of obtaining a Ph.D. from Yale University in French Political History Science between 1530 and 1710 per episode (Chump change, my friends! There’s one born every minute!). Our initial contract with Steve will be for, like, a thousand episodes, but we’ll probably need him for at least ten thousand!
Although the guests will appear without compensation, they get to hang out with Steve! That’s pretty fucking cool!
This semi-daily television slot, right now occupied by Jersey Shore (which concludes as soon as we knock the blocks off those dunderhead studio execs with this proposal!) seems most appropriate, although the final decision on this will be up to the network.
Initially, the show will be done in three blocks:
BLOCK #1 – Steve will talk for awhile. He’s a pretty cool dude.
BLOCK #2 – Quiz time! We bring on our contestants and feed them incredibly interesting trivia. They must answer in French, according to 16th century French royal court debate protocol.
BLOCK #3 – Physical challenge! We give each contestant a sword from either 16th or 17th century France, and then shoot at them with real live bullets! (Last one standing gets to hang out with Steve).
As commercial support increases, we would have the option of increasing to four blocks separated by three commercial breaks.
Steve’s a pretty popular guy.
No rush, but I’m pretty sure he might roadie for Def Leppard soon if we don’t snap him up for this show (we’d prefer a contract, obviously). He’s agreed to wait until they drop their new album for our decision on Bourbon Issues.