Well, 'Fifty Shades Darker' Is Certainly the Shiniest Turd of the Franchise

#FiftyShadesDarker is the sequel to the ridiculously popular #FiftyShades franchise which originally stemmed from Twilight fan fiction. Anastasia Steele is mad at Christian Grey because he did what he asked her to do in the previous installment and this sequel focuses on her believing she is not the one for him despite the fact that he constantly… tells her… he loves her… every single time. Darker stars Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Bella Heathcote and Kim Basinger and is directed by James Foley (Glengarry Glen Ross, Perfect Stranger).

Let's catch up with a look at the trailer before we dive in.

What a truly spectacular, enjoyable watch.

*Flipping the sarcasm switch to the on position.*

Wow. What a truly spectacular, enjoyable watch. Fifty Shades Darker is fraught with incredibly complex characters and elaborate motivations that do not have any plot or character inconsistencies at all. I never found myself questioning why certain characters were doing what they were doing because of how well-developed their respective traits were. The film kind of just told us why they were like that or they simply didn’t choose to explain it all which was incredibly enjoyable because we all only give a shit about seeing attractive people fuck, right?

The film is also paced perfectly and wasn't a slog to watch at all, particularly during the sequences where they attempt to showcase Ana and Christian’s relationship without them having sex. A boat scene that could have felt like it was an hour long only felt about 45 minutes too short. It was reminiscent of the Love Me Like You Do sequence in the first film, where a pop song played while they were doing some wild activity like flying planes or steering a boat; an activity that Anastasia, for some reason, acts as if she is commanding a spaceship ready for take off. They are in the middle of a large body of water and her inability to hold the steering wheel without Christian’s guidance was a little confusing for me considering she’s managed to work her way up to working for a publishing firm. You’d think being able to do something as simple as not crashing a boat in waters where there is no one around would be a prerequisite, but hey, I’m not a publisher.

Excitement Is At An All-Time High

I will commend the film for having better sex scenes than its predecessor. I only fell asleep maybe one or two times during Darker whereas with the first one, the lights were on but the homeowners were thinking of dinner.

Since the relationship between Ana and Christian was such a vital aspect of the film, there were some other subplots thrown in there to make sure their relationship overcomes all the odds, including a crazy, haggard lady that refers to herself as “nobody” when Ana asks who she is. Then there's Ana's boss, who sexually harasses her. We’re also introduced to the Mrs. Robinson of the Fifty Shadesverse played by the brilliant Kim Basinger. I enjoyed watching her whisper doubts into Ana’s ears throughout the film that actually managed to persuade Ana a couple times even though Christian cannot make it anymore clear that he loves her.

Everybody also loves Ana for some reason, including Christian’s family.

Everybody also loves Ana for some reason, including Christian’s family, who have no concerns that he's making insane company acquisitions and just throwing thousands of dollars into his girlfriend’s bank account because he's rich, bitch, and don’t you forget it.

The Greatest Scene Of Them All

Fifty Shades Darker had an abundance of sequences that I could have labeled as my “favorite.” If I had to narrow it down, I’d have to go with the frightening helicopter experience wherein news outlets lovingly neglect to feature Grey’s business partner in the headline because that chick isn’t important.

I also love how he returns with just a bump on the head despite the fact that he crashed his helicopter in a forest.

I also love how he returns with just a bump on the head despite the fact that he crashed his helicopter in a forest. Thankfully the branches, trees, and pieces of the helicopter didn't harm him or his business partner. Unexplained recoveries are definitely my favorites.

All Is Well That Ends Well

*Switching the sarcasm lever to the the off position.*

Look, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan do the best with what they’re given and you can tell they know just how silly every single scene is. Johnson absolutely rocks this performance, I am giving her all the kudos because Anastasia is insufferable and the chemistry between her and Dornan is fun to watch. It is better in terms of plot progression and overall enjoyability than the first, if that sways your judgment in any way.

Verdict

If you’re interested in watching this, you’ve seen it already. If you’ve never seen it, my suggestion would be to wait until #FiftyShadesFreed releases in 2018 then have a fun time binging the whole trilogy with all your friends and lots of alcohol. You're going to need it.

I give Fifty Shades Darker a 1 out of 5.