I did not watch The Room! It's not true! It's bulls**t! I did not watch it! I did naaaahhhhhht....okay, fine, I did.
Back in 2003, Tommy Wiseau wrote, directed, produced, and starred in his own independent film, The Room. And this film has become more relevant recently as a result of the James Franco film, The Disaster Artist, which shows the story of the film being made.
And after watching a couple videos and reading a few articles about the film, I decided that it would be fun to watch the movie and try to review it seriously.
So, I won't be analyzing every single scene in the movie, but I will be talking about the scenes that are eye-catching, and worth bringing up. Because this is honestly a really bad movie, but it's so watchable.
There will be some spoilers, but with this movie, that doesn't really matter.
We start off the way an average movie starts. A couple shots of San Francisco as the opening credits play. The movie begins as we see this guy walk into the room.
Right off the bat, you could tell that this wasn't gonna be a normal movie. This guy, Johnny, looks like Dracula with long hair and has an exotic accent that casting directors in Hollywood would never accept.
Johnny has bought his fiancée, Lisa, a red dress. And she tries it on. Then, all of a sudden, some kid named Denny walks in and starts commenting about how great Lisa looks.
After a scene of weird acting and meaningless laughs, Lisa and Johnny go upstairs to have their private time and what does Denny do? He steals one of THEIR apples, takes a bite, and FOLLOWS them.
WHAT THE F%&K, DENNY?!
They were giving you ALL THE SIGNS that they were about to have their alone time, and here you are, just creepily following them? You're like 15!
And not only that, but when Johnny and Lisa are in bed together, Denny tries to f**king JOIN.
First off, Johnny and Lisa's idea of foreplay was to have a pillow fight. I don't know about having sex, but I don't think a pillow fight works as foreplay.
Second, it is later said that Johnny is the closest thing to a father that Denny has. And Denny's trying to join his FATHER FIGURE in sex?! That is all kinds of f**ked up, Denny. You creepy bastard.
Then, after a f**king pillow fight, the lovemaking starts.
The sex continues for the next few minutes, as Johnny penetrates Lisa through her belly button (it was the WRONG place). It also starts randomly raining.
We later find out about how Lisa isn't in love with Johnny anymore, and she calls Johnny's best friend, Mark. Mark is apparently very busy, he says, as he sits in a parked car in a parking lot with sunglasses on.
And a few scenes later, we have this scene that was not only unnecessary, but was actually NOT intended to be comedic.
So, Johnny walks into a flower shop, and he asks for a dozen red roses.
The store lady says, "Oh, hi, Johnny, I didn't know it was you."
How the hell did you not know it was him until he lifted up his sunglasses?! Are there any other people on this planet who look anything like Johnny?
And after that..."Hi, doggy".
What was the dog doing just sitting there? And why was it important to the story? And can someone explain how the dog didn't win an Oscar for the fact that his acting performance was the best one in the film?
As Johnny walks out, the store lady says, "You're my favorite customer." Okay, then why didn't you recognize him then, woman? I mean, sure, I guess you have lots of people who stop by your store that look like this.
Lisa tries to defame Johnny by getting him drunk. Johnny doesn't drink, but Lisa pretty much forces him into it. Johnny says no, but when Lisa breaks out the drinks, he...laughs?
Why all the pointless laughs, Johnny?
Johnny gets all drunk, and they start making love again. And it starts RAINING again.
Why is it that out of all the times in the movie that it rains, it's when Johnny and Lisa are having sex? There are a couple shots in the scene that are just reused from the first sex scene, but I'm not gonna criticize the movie for that. Other movies reuse shots.
Afterwards, we have a scene where Lisa and her mother talk. Lisa's mom talks about her brother trying to get ownership of her house, which never worked its way into the plot. And she also discloses that she has breast cancer, which Lisa barely reacts to, and just calmly dismisses.
Then, two random people who we've NEVER seen walk into the house and just start having sex. It's not even their house, and they're just gonna walk in and casually have sex.
But here's the thing. The sex starts, and believe me when I say, if you're under 12, look away. If you're 12 and over, look at the following pictures and try not to laugh.
MAN, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
How did that end up in the final movie? Was that actor trying to act for real, or did he just say, "Ah, f**k it, this movie will suck anyway"? That may be the single weirdest scene of the whole movie, I swear.
Then, once those two randoms leave and Lisa and her mom get home, Denny pops in.
Yeah...of course we needed f**king Denny in here again, as Lisa's mom complains about people coming in and out of the house. Because of how annoying it is to see all three people do that, apparently.
And then, we find out that Denny is in trouble with a drug dealer named Chris-R.
Johnny and Mark show up and take care of the situation, as this drug deal really never works its way into the plot again. Umm...why was this scene included?
Oh, it was to show off the hysterically bad acting from Lisa and Denny's actors. The writing and acting was ridiculous in this scene. There are a couple parodies of the scene online, but I haven't found an uncut video yet. But you should try to watch it, it's hysterical.
So, this scene doesn't fit into the Johnny-Lisa-Mark love triangle, but later, we see Johnny fed up with Lisa's false domestic abuse allegations and is in the middle of an angry tirade on the rood, complete with a bottle throw, but when he sees his friend, Mark, up there, he completely cheers up.
Then, Denny and Johnny have a conversation, in which Denny talks about his creepy love for Lisa, a woman who is a lot older than he is, all while in front of an obvious green screen.
Later, Johnny and Lisa talk about her false abuse allegation. Johnny sits and talks in front of his framed picture of a spoon.
He yells that Lisa is tearing him apart about how false the abuse allegations are, all while throwing Lisa around like a lamp shade.
Later, that guy with the mysterious faces, Mike, talks with Johnny about his underwear "tragedy," all with the weird acting. And he's still making his mysterious faces even when he's not having sex.
Mark shows up and they start tossing around a football. Then, Mark lightly pushes Peter and Peter completely falls to the ground as if Mark had thrown him there.
What makes this entire scene even funnier is the fact that it contributes nothing to the plot at all. Still f**king hilarious.
Lisa and her mom walk into a living room and have a conversation just so Johnny can overhear it, and they then leave. They pretty much walked in so that Johnny could hear Lisa talking about her affair.
So, Johnny gets a tape recorder and taps the phones so that he'd be able to have a tape of whatever Lisa had to say to any other man. And he really did this, using the cassette that he already had in his pocket for some reason.
And we had to see the entire setup too, instead of just the beginning.
We have a few conversation scenes after this, and Johnny's psychologist friend, Peter, finds out about Mark and Lisa's secret meetings. So, what does Mark do to one of his friends? It's obvious, right? He tries to KILL him.
But don't worry. This literal murder attempt will be brushed off with an "I'm sorry" and then, they just continue to talk as if nothing happens. I mean, we all get angry sometimes, right?
After that, Johnny, Peter, and Denny all meet up. And Mark comes in with a shaven face. Dramatic music plays, as we get a closeup of his face.
What the– why is that imp– you know what, it doesn't matter at this point.
Then we get a few chickens.
And some unimportant tuxedo football.
Now, after that, we have a scene where before Mark and Johnny sit in a café to shoot the breeze, we have to see what everyone else in line ordered at the café before Mark and Johnny even walk in.
Mark and Johnny sit down and talk, and at one point, Mark inquires about Johnny's client at the bank, which no friend would realistically care about. Johnny tells Mark that it's confidential, and goes, "Anyways, how's your sex life?"
The entire scene, filled with unnecessary dialogue, is here.
They all throw a surprise birthday party for Johnny, At one point, Lisa tries to make love with Mark while everyone is outside, but some random-ass guy walks in and catches them.
Dammit, who the hell are you?
Lisa and Mark tell this guy to "leave [his] stupid comments in [his] pocket," or whatever that means. Then, Johnny comes in and delivers another line that was actually meant to be serious and not comedic:
"Thank you, [indistinct]. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!"
Later, Johnny sees Mark and Lisa together and confronts them. He discovers their relationship and he and Mark fight in a scene with bad dialogue, strange delivery, and a whole bunch of "cheep-cheep-cheeps."
Some of the best quotes from this scene:
"Don't touch me, motherf**ker. Get out. Leave my girl alone!"
"If you'd keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn't have come to me!
"I KILL YOU! I BREAK EVERY BONE IN YOUR BODY! I KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!"
"You're not good! You're just a chicken! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep."
"Everybody betray me! I'm fed up with this world."
Johnny locks himself in the bathroom, and when Lisa tells him to come out, he delivers the BEST line in the movie, and I can't BELIEVE how underrated it is.
"In a few minutes, b***h."
That line was something that I wasn't expecting, and that's what made me laugh out loud when I heard it. You need to hear that line for yourself, because the delivery makes it BETTER.
Lisa goes over to find Mark, and Johnny uses the tape to find out about Mark and Lisa's sexy phone conversation, where Mark goes as far as saying, "I want your body."
Upon learning about the relationship he already knew about, he has a complete breakdown in an averagely-written, but poorly-acted scene.
There's even a f**king scene where Tommy holds the red dress over his crotch and starts twitching.
And that's pretty much what watching the movie was like.
The Room was filled with bad acting, scenes that were random and unnecessary, badly written lines, too much of creepy-ass Denny, botched sex scenes, random characters that show up, and a bunch of stuff like that.
Was it a bad movie? Yes. But what everyone says turned out to be true. This is the most watchable bad movie I've ever seen.
But hold on for a second—I haven't even given away the whole movie. There are scenes that I didn't talk about, but you should definitely also see.
I don't know how long this link will be up, but this is the entire film, complete for you and your friends to watch.
And that's all I have today. That was a really long article, but I wanted to voice my thoughts on the film.