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With all the evidence linking sports to permanent injuries and the political scandals surrounding certain athletes, modern audiences are less inclined to watch a bunch of sweaty people kick or throw a ball around for hours. Sports are becoming quite stale. We need athletes with exceptional talents, like the ones in movies and TV, in order to make sports fun again. These are seven fictional athletes that would make sports fun again.
1. Joe Kingman
Joe Kingman is number one on the field and number one in our hearts. In The Game Plan, Kingman is the starting quarterback for the Boston Rebels, a less evil version of the New England Patriots. While he’s had an outstanding individual career, he’s never led the Rebels to a Super Bo— I mean National Championship. It’s not until he meets his estranged daughter, Payton, that he learns there is more to life than football; for example, grade school ballet. Apparently, The Rock’s massive body is perfect for the subtle beauty of classical ballet. In the end of the movie, he uses his newfound skills to crush his rivals in the final game of the season. As long as he doesn’t kneel during the National Anthem, Kingman would definitely make it in the NFL.
2. Gus 'El Diablo' Griswald
At first glance, Gus might look like a massive dweeb. His whole schtick in the show is getting shit on by the rest of the Recess gang. However, underneath all the geeky layers of shame, he is the most fearsome dodgeball player the playground has ever seen. He is so accurate with the red ball of death, he once destroyed a team consisting of thirty FIFTH GRADERS all by himself. El Diablo has no match, he is the one and only king of dodgeball. Gus gave hope to all the uncoordinated nerds, like me, to some day find the sport we were good at and finally get laid.
Being a great athlete isn’t just about talent, it’s also about how well you can perform under pressure. There are numerous high school athletes that were dominant in their teenage years, but crumbled when things started to get serious. This wouldn’t be a problem for Troy Bolton. Not only does he have to lead his high school basketball team to the state championship, he also has to plan an elaborate scheme so he can audition for the school’s musical that just so happens to be at the same time as THE FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP GAME. In the end, he nails the audition and scores the winning basket for the Wildcats! He is a GOAT.
4. Gianpiro and Massimo
I know they’re technically two different people, but they’re twins, so I have the right to count them as one. Gianpiro and Massimo are the Italian twins in Kicking and Screaming that help Will Ferrell seem like less of a failure in the eyes of his father. The Italians are naturally talented at soccer, even though they’ve never had any proper training. They can do things with the ball that players like Lionel Messi can’t even do. They have the potential to be superstars! Unfortunately for them, they live in the wrong country for their sport.
5. Michael Jordan
I’m not dumb, I know Michael Jordan was a real-life basketball player and one of the greatest of all time. But if the real-life Michael Jordan had the same abilities as his fictional counterpart, he would’ve been even greater. He would’ve been so good, he would’ve killed basketball. His Chicago Bulls would’ve been unstoppable. Any time they get close to losing, Jordan could simply stretch his arm 20 freaking feet and score repeatedly until the timer went off. The Bulls would win every championship; no one would stand a chance. Eventually, audiences would get bored from all the physics-shattering happening in front of their eyes and would stop tuning in.
Depending on who you ask, professional gamers are either serious athletes or dumb nerds and, honestly, both groups are kind of right. However, gaming athletes could make serious bank if they are really good and extremely dedicated. Kenny from The Middle is the epitome of an obsessed gamer. He is so dedicated to video games that he doesn’t even feel pain after getting stapled on the back. His nonstop gaming has the potential to become a lucrative, albeit short, career. He might not look like a jock, but he certainly has the potential to make a shit load of money.
7. Jason Street
Some athletes are so great they become more popular than their sport. Even though he got exposed as a massive cheater, Lance Armstrong is still regarded as the greatest cyclist of all time by most people, as he is the only cyclist they’ve actually heard of. Jason Street from Friday Night Lights has the potential to be that star for Quad Rugby. After being paralyzed from the shoulders down, due to a football injury, Street turns to Quad Rugby as a sports outlet for his frustrations. He comes extremely close to making the U.S. Special Olympics team, even though he only started playing the sport a few months before the trials. With his charisma and athletic ability, Jason could become a household name for the obscure sport.