Diary of a Dungeoneer

Allow me to introduce myself, I am Borien Steelbeard and I am a Dwelf. What is a Dwelf I hear you ask? Well a Dwelf is what happens when an Elf gets stupidly drunk and has “a good time” with a 400lb Dwarf; what can I say for a Dwarf my mum was a looker, and my dad had a thing for beards.

However, being a Dwelf is no laughing matter; if you’re the Dwelf. We’re too Elvish for Dwarven mines, and we’re too Dwarvish for the Elven Forests. In fact we’re often castaways, left to fend for ourselves. Never an easy task especially if you’re a newborn. I was lucky enough to be adopted by Merlan the Wizarian; and raised to be a Wizarian like him. A Wizarian is what happens if you take someone like Albus Dumbledore and introduce him to anabolic steroids and free gym membership. Merlan happens to be 6ft 4in, looks like an albino Hulk with a long white beard.

Anyway I seem to be digressing here; you didn’t come here to listen to my life story, you are here to listen to my tale of a recent bit of dungeoneering I did.

and about 3 weeks ago I was dusting the bookshelf where Merlan keeps his spell books, as I was thumbing between the volumes of Muscle Magic and How to “Meat People” I found a dusty old piece of parchment at the back of the shelf. Of course my Dwelfish instincts heeded m to have a look at this parchment. I say Dwelfish instincts; it’s my excuse for being a nosey bugger, anyway it turned out that this parchment was in fact a map. The map was a guide to a little known dungeon known as the ‘Dungeon of a Thousand Gold’. It would appear that this dungeon, despite its large cache of treasure, was avoided by the most experience treasure seekers due to the large number of monsters calling the dungeon home. However, I decided that I would do the impossible and conquer this dungeon.

Now I’m not the most skilled Wizarian; in fact as Wizarians go I’m as bad as you can get. My equipment of choice is not exactly the kind of equipment a Wizarian would use, unless you’re a Wizarian who is female. The equipment I use is Broad Sword and Dagger of Treachery; one of which can only be used by Women and the other by thieves, I’ll let you figure which is which. I also have my trusty Helm of Courage, which despite obscuring my vision makes me feel pretty brave. My Boot of Butt-Kicking; nice horned boots that can be a real pain in the butt, and I also underneath my Helm of Courage my Bad-Ass Bandana. Despite having no weapons I can actually use I am armoured enough be classed as a Wizarian.

With my map and my trusty, but ultimately useless, equipment I set off for the Dungeon of a Thousand Gold. The walk to the dungeon was arduous; and given my Dwarven height a bit of a ‘tall order’. I did eventually reach the entrance to the dungeon; but to be fair I now realise why so many dungeoneers never try to gain access to this particular dungeon, the entrance to dungeon will only open if the dungeoneer pays the entry fee. Of course I have no gold on me; hence why I am going into the dungeon, so I have decided that I would pay by using my Broad Sword as the entry fee. Upon reaching the door I inserted my Broad Sword into the box labelled “Donations Welcome”, as my sword slid into the box the door opened as if by magic. As I entered I could hear the faint sound of laughter coming from the dungeon as if somewhere someone was watching me.

I came across a large staircase leading down into the dungeon “Onwards and downwards” I proclaimed as I ran down them at full speed, it was only until I was half way down did I realise running down the stairs was a bad idea. I slipped on a wet spot and ended up rolling down the rest of the stairs and crashed into a door. As I got myself up off the floor; and just checked with the author that my health levels are safe to continue. “Uh huh…yeah…what do you mean that wouldn’t have hurt much? This is a big door and those were a lot of stairs.” Ok so the author has said that I am fine to continue as I was.

I began to push open the big wooden door with the large number 1 on it. The door opened with an unsettling creak and as I made my way past the door into the square chamber the door slammed shut. On the far side of the wall a torch suddenly caught fire; followed by another and another, until all the torches in the room were lit. In the centre of the room a figure rose and turned, as the figure rose up ominous music began to play. The figure slowly turned around and as they turned to face me the ominous music hit its crescendo and out of nowhere the words ‘Level 1 Dungeon Boss Lame Goblin’ appeared in the air above the figure.

“Duh whaddya want?” the tiny Goblin in the centre of the chamber proclaimed when he saw me. I did not seem to want to attack me; it had no clear methods of attack anyway. “I want the treasure!” I stated hoping the Goblin would let me past. “Duh it’s in that chest over there” he said as he pointed to a cardboard box in the corner of the room; “Why dya want it?” he asked. I took a second to think “Yo author can we make this guy a little smarter? Surely this guy is too easy to beat?” as I waited on a response a jar fell from the ceiling of the dungeon and landed in the Goblin’s hands. “Whaddis tis say?” the Goblin asked as he threw the jar at me. I looked on the jar ‘Instant Wall’ was written on the label. I turned the jar over and as I read the back of the label out of nowhere a voice started speaking “Are you tired of not being able to beat the monster in the dungeon? Are large dragons, hippogriffs, and other creatures stopping you from obtaining fame & fortune? Try Instant Wall! This product will put a brick wall between you and the enemy allowing you to nab the treasure and escape to safety. Ask your local dungeoneering supplier for Instant Wall today!”

Looking rather confused I took the jar and put it into my knapsack “its soap” I said to the Goblin. “Soap? Dah you can keep it. I don’t wants no soap me” the goblin proclaimed. The goblin looked at me funny “Dah if you give me that cloak you have I can let you past.” I looked at the Goblin and without thinking I took of my Cloak of Obscurity and threw it at the Goblin; I didn’t need it, only thieves benefitted from the Cloak. The Goblin grabbed it, quickly put it on, and ran round the chamber yelling “Wheee I’m Supa Goblin.” As the Goblin was quite happily enjoying his new cloak I had a look inside his “chest” and picked up a dashing pair of Sandals of Protection. These things are great; they make you immune to curses but I am already wearing the Boots of Butt-Kicking. I know I’ll remove my left boot and replace it with a sandal; that way I’ll have the extra kicking power as well as protection from curses. Looking rather dashing in my half boot half sandal get up I marched on to the next chamber which funnily enough was hidden behind a door marked 2.

The door to the second chamber opened up and as I passed the door a voice exclaimed “Congratulations but you are a long way from the end of the dungeon.” I walked into the next chamber and as before the torches in the chamber suddenly lit and another set of words appeared in the air ‘Level 2 Dungeon Boss the Unspeakably Awful Indescribable Horror.” I’d like to tell you what this thing is but I can’t, it really is indescribable, and really unspeakably awful to behold (also I can’t really see it given my Helm of Courage). It’s like something out of Lovecraft’s nightmares

A booming voice came from the horror “Who dares disrupt my slumber?” the thing spoke. I stood there bold as brass and replied “I am Borien Steelbeard, and I am here for your treasure!” The Lovecraftian horror began to move about the chamber “No you shall not take my treasure, for you will become my vessel and I shall escape my imprisonment” the booming voice spoke. For a moment I paused “Not in a Shoggoth’s chance” I exclaimed. As soon as I did the horror moved towards me and I ran as it chased me around the dungeon. I ran around the dungeon trying to escape the horror when I remembered the jar from the first dungeon. As I pulled out the jar from my knapsack I tripped on a loose stone and ended up rolling into the corner of the chamber. In the fall my jar rolled away from me, but as I hit the wall a statue dropped a potion vial on my face. As I righted myself I read the label on the vial; a voice boomed from nowhere “Do you often find yourself defenceless in a dungeon filled with monsters and other horrors? Why not try the latest offering from the Unseen University’s Little Shop of Potions, The Electric Radioactive Potion. Guaranteed to put a dampener on any dungeon creature’s day” I looked at the vial and then the horror; “One order of monster masher coming up!” I ran towards the horror, as the horror moved towards me I opened the vial and threw the potion at the horror. In a blinding flash a wave of intense heat spread throughout the chamber, for those of you sitting next to a Geiger counter please make note of the readings as I’m pretty sure this potion just went from zero to Chernobyl in 2.3 seconds, the horror started to melt in the middle of the chamber.

As the heat died down and the horror melted away I made my way to the corner of the room, there was a hireling who was chained to the wall. The hireling looked at me “If you unchain me I’ll carry all your stuff for you.” I decided to let the hireling down and let him carry my spare boot and sandal. As I approached the door to the third chamber a voice spoke up “Well done you Dwelf how would you like to skip the next chamber?” I pondered for a second. “How can I skip the next chamber?” I asked. The voice laughed and responded “There is a chest hidden in the floor containing 1000 Gold Pieces, just give that to me and I’ll show you a short cut” I scrambled around the dungeon looking for the chest, which I found. I opened the chest and there it was; the fabled treasure of this Dungeon of a Thousand Gold, however I was about to lose it in order to skip a Chamber.

I offered the gold to the disembodied voice and true to its word a door in the side of the chamber opened up; as soon as it did I ran through the door. The tunnel was nice; there was soothing music playing and famous artworks plastered all over the wall. As I came to the end of the tunnel however a voice spoke up “You have cheated the system and for that crime you shall pay!” As I emerged from the tunnel into the fourth chamber I soon became aware that I had a chicken on my head, the voice spoke once more “From now on until you lose your headgear you will wear this chicken on your head”

With my hireling and my faithful new companion, Gus the Chicken (it looks like a Gus despite it being female), I marched on into the chamber and as before words appeared in the air “Level 4 Dungeon Boss the Wannabe Vampire” and from out of nowhere a short bald man in a black cloak game bounding out showing off his “vampire fangs.” The Wannabe Vampire swished his cloak over his face and in a faux Transylvanian accent proclaimed “I am Robert Cullen, Lord of all Vampires.” I looked at him for a second and then burst out laughing; as I laughed the Wannabe Vampire looked that offended and stormed off to go sulk in the corner. As I took control of myself and sopped my laughter I remembered that I had the Instant Wall from the first chamber; I quickly pulled the bottle out and threw the jar towards the Wannabe Vampire which ended up breaking off the wall above him; as it did the wall fell on top off the Wannabe Vampire and flattened him. From under the Vampire’s cloak a musical instrument slid out and landed at my feet; as I picked it up the disembodied voice spoke once again “Are you a dungeoneer? Do you often find the monsters you fight are just way too strong? Maybe you’re facing an Overlord who keeps escaping? Then why not try the Tuba of Charm the latest release from the Bard’s College. The Tuba of Charm is guaranteed to put any monster or enemy to sleep.” I handed the Tuba of Charm to the Hireling for him to hold and looted the Wannabe Vampire’s treasure chest; which to my surprise contained the fabled Hammer of Kneecapping, a legendary Wizarian artefact.

Soon after collecting the Hammer of Kneecapping ; the door to chamber 5 opened up and I soon took myself and the hireling into the next chamber. As I walked in the chamber I looked to the ceiling for the words to appear; and on cue the words appeared. However, this time when they lit up the air; they started falling down to the floor and I just managed to catch a quick glimpse of “Level 5 Dungeon Boss Leperchaun.” Out of one of the dungeon’s corners came a short Irish man, dressed in green, with a ginger beard he angrily started spouting gibberish “To be sure to be sure what business do ya have here? You better not be after me lucky charms?” I looked at him for a second; his skin was falling off in sheets; he didn’t have long left before he started falling apart. Hidden in the floor I noticed a piece of paper, I pulled the sheet of paper out of the floor I noticed there were words on it “Tád Ennas Are” as I spoke these words there was a flash of light; standing next to me was a perfect clone. For a second I stood there admiring myself; I then decided that this clone was capable of taking on the Leperchaun whilst I looted the dungeon. I came across some Flaming Armour; which I donned immediately however in doing so the Chicken that sat on my head was immediately roasted. Good thing too, I was starting to get hungry. I funnelled my newly roasted chicken into my knapsack and made my way to the next chamber. As I approached the door the disembodied voice returned “I have an anthill that needs taking care of, if you want to get rid of it I’ll show you another shortcut.” I looked at the door of the next chamber and then responded to the voice “No thanks, last time I took the short cut I ended up with a chicken on my head; if I take another short cut I could end up being turned into girl.” The door to chamber 6 opened up.

As I stepped into the next chamber there was a sudden rush of air; I quickly grabbed onto the hireling as he was somehow unaffected. There was a brief pause; I walked cautiously towards the centre of the chamber, as I did the torches briefly lit before whatever was in this room let out an almighty sneeze. The sneeze blew everything away, except the hireling who stood there picking his nose. I grabbed hold of the hireling and soon large white objects appeared and started hitting me in the face; they were letters; one after the other they struck L..E..V..E..L..6..D..U..N..G..E..O..N..B..O..S..S..T..H..E..F..L..O..A..T..I..N..G..N..O..S..E. The sneeze seemed to last forever, flying past me there seemed to be 3 chickens, 2 cows, a copy of the Yellow Pages, a Billy Ocean record, and a Jehovah’s Witness. Eventually the sneeze died down; I got to my feet feeling somewhat dizzy when I realised the Floating Nose had blown in my direction a vial of Pollymorph Potion, I picked it up and said “Come on then Mr Advertiser do you want to give me the sales pitch?” soon after I said that the disembodied voice replied “I don’t think I want to know, you’ve taken the fun out of it.” Feeling a little guilty I tried to convince the voice to do the sales pitch “Oh come on, you know you want to.” There was a deathly silence which was broken by the sound of sniffing as the Floating Nose made its way around the chamber; then the voice spoke “Are you tired of being demolished by dragons? Does the Minotaur mash you a little too often? Does your hydra just have 1 too many heads? Why not try Pollymorph? The Pollymorph potion created by the Wheezily Bros will turn any monster you face into a parrot. Pick up your vial of Pollymorph Potion today.” I picked up the potion and ran towards the nose; it caught my sense and floated towards me at full speed. As I struggled to open the vial the nose was on me; but to my luck the flames of my flaming armour set a few of its nostril hairs on fire, the nose when scurrying away. I too this opportunity to come flying in and smack the nose with my hammer. The nose exploded. There green goo everywhere. You could say it was snot funny. After picking the gunk of me and being rather disappointed that any of it managed to miss the hireling I searched the chamber for loot. I came across an old wooden chest which contained a Cloak of Obscurity; oh great another one, like the first one I gave away gave me any bonus whatsoever. I handed the cloak to the hireling and made my way to Chamber 7.

As I approached the door to chamber 7 I got an overwhelming sense of dread; whatever was on the other side was not going to be friendly. “Oi Author how about this, I give you my roast chicken and you let me skip the next chamber?” I pleaded with the author in hopes they would listen. From nowhere a big booming voice came “Are you sure you want to skip this dungeon? The monster isn’t a hard one to defeat; I would say you’re at least half ready for the job.” The door began to open and I thought for a second and asked “What’s in there?” the voice once again piped up “EscarGO.” It left me thinking what the author could’ve meant but before I could make my mind up the hireling wandered into the chamber “By Poseidon’s beard!” I exclaimed as I chased down the hireling.

The chamber was already lit when we walked in; the words I was expecting to see appear in the air seemed to moving around the room at high speed. I managed to catch a brief glimpse; it said “Level 7 Dungeon Boss Snails on Speed.” I looked around the room but couldn’t see anything; then this small object came hurtling across the floor and left a small trail of fire in a ring around me before disappearing into the dark corners of the chamber. Soon after there were more small objects whizzing round me leaving fire in their trails; if I didn’t do something I was bound to be stuck here. I attempted to stand on the little blighters as they threw themselves across the chamber at supersonic speeds; but alas it did not fare well, and yet I kept trying to stomp on them as it seemed to be the only good idea. As I got frustrated I swung my hammer, as if it was a golf club, and to my shock it connected with one of the snails. The snail went flying into the wall; and as it the snail disappeared in a puff of smoke; and in its place was a vial. I made my way to the vial and just as I WAS about to pick it up “Has pyromancy lost its touch? Do you ever feel bored just poisoning your enemy? Why not do both with the Flaming Poison Potion from Red Mage today.” I picked up the vial and stored in in my knapsack and went back to play golf. The snails had caught onto me this time and upped their game; which means they were so fast even their fire was a blur. Resorting to my trusty hammer I swung furiously at the snails; yet the evaded me with their incredible speed. It looked futile; that was until the Hireling took the Tuba of Charm and blew into it as hard as he could. Despite the fact what he considered music was more like a farting orang-utan; it put the snails to sleep which made it all the easier to squish them. I looted a Huge Rock from the chest and marched towards the next chamber.

As I entered the next chamber the words in the air appeared briefly before something pink cut through them like a horror through Dunwich; and I could just make out “Level 8 Dungeon Boss Tongue Demon.” This wasn’t good; I’d heard about these Tongue Demons before, if the tongue doesn’t cut you in half it’ll lick you to death. As quickly as I could get my wits about me the demon came bounding across the chamber whipping its tongue like he was Indiana Jones. I didn’t really want to fight this guy; it’s not like I had a choice, I was running for my life with the Hireling in tow. I reached into my knapsack and pulled out the Pollymorph Potion; I stopped running and took up a stance that would make Babe Ruth green with envy. Tossed the vial into the air and gave it a gentle whacking across the chamber. It hit the Tongue Demon square in the face; and in a flash of red and green the demon had transformed into a Parrot, with a 12 foot tongue. That is certainly not something I will be able to unsee ever again. I rooted around the chamber and found a loaded die and the Shield of Ubiquity. I was now looking more like a Wizarian than ever before, if Wizarians actually had a specific look.

After clearing out the chamber I made my way towards the door to the next chamber and as I came to the door there was a small rubber duck in my way. As I picked it up I heard a sinister voice “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. You know better than to pick up a strange duck in a dungeon. Meet the Duck of Doom!” As the voice disappeared the duck inhaled me into its beak, which was disgusting, and when it spat me out I was standing outside the closed door to Chamber 7 “Come On!” I roared “This is so unfair! Who keeps a duck in a dungeon! After all that hard work I’m never going to get to the end; I have no monster to fight in this Dungeon.” The author must’ve heard me because soon after my rant the door opened and I could enter chamber 7 again.

I made my way into the 7th Chamber, again, however once again the door to the next chamber was locked and the walls of the chamber splattered with the snail I played golf with earlier. “Ok Mr Author one last time, I give you my roast chicken and you let me through the door” as quickly as I finished talking the chicken in my knapsack vanished and the door opened; as it did I quickly ran into the next dungeon past the parrot with the 12 foot tongue and through the door to Chamber 9, thankfully it was still open, and as I run through the door I grabbed a bottle labelled ‘Nasty Tasting Sport Drink’ to my surprise there was no voice “I guess this stuff must be that nasty the voice doesn’t like it” I said to myself as I ran in.

Upon my arrival into the chamber I stopped in awe of the surroundings, it looked as though I was in a garden. There was a sky, lush green meadows, wild flowers, and the odd rabbit. There in the middle of the meadow was a Gazebo; I approached the gazebo to get a better look and as I did a face appeared out of the top of it, it was alive. A wind blew and in the wind a stream of flowers floated in front of me spelling out “Level 9 Dungeon Boss Gazebo” which was interesting given all it could do was sit there. Then I remember I have the flaming poison potion in my knapsack; I took the vial out of my knapsack and threw it at the Gazebo. It broke open upon contact with a pillar; for a second it did nothing and then there was smoke. As the smoke cloud grew a fire erupted from the pillar; and the Gazebo turned green and started coughing. The Flaming Poison Potion worked. Before long the Gazebo went up in flames and died coughing; as the ashes of the gazebo blew away in the wind they revealed The Cheese Grater of Peace. As I picked up the weapon there was a label attached to it ‘For Clerics Only!’ which meant I couldn’t use it as I’m a Wizarian. A golden door appeared from nowhere and opened up there was a fanfare and a voice stated “Welcome to Level 10.”

I marched my way through the door to the next chamber; there was a tunnel to the chamber and along the wall of the tunnel were the Words “Level 10 Dungeon Boss Ghoulfiends” which didn’t sound good. I emerged from the tunnel into what looked like a disco; there was music, lights, and the faint smell of vodka in the air. There was a golem behind the bar wearing a white shirt and an apron serving drinks. In front of the bar there were five zombie girls in the bar taking pictures of each other on what looked like small stone tablets. One looked at me and they rushed over to me “Oh my god! This guy is soooo cute!” They started picking off my weapons and armour and stating how cute they were as they did it. They huddled round and started taking pictures of me with them in what they called a ‘Selfie’ which I determined was some form of interrogation; well they weren’t getting any information out of me, I don’t know anything. When they broke away to take more selfies of each other and complement each other on their fashion choices I grabbed my knapsack and pulled out the loaded die that I found earlier. I threw the dice as hard as I could; it rolled across the floor and ended up knocking over a table, which connected to a bar on the table, which led to a lot of Rude Goldberg style shenanigans which resulted in a flask labelled “Gloo” on the bar being squirted all over the Ghoulfiends. As the “Gloo” hardened the Ghoulfiends were defeated and there was a fanfare “Congratulations you have defeated the Dungeon of a Thousand Gold; however you spent the gold earlier and can longer claim it as treasure so here’s some Short Wide Armour!” A set of Sort Wide Armour fell from the sky; inside was a label ‘Made in China’ which came as a bit of a surprise given that they are made for Dwarves, not Dwelves.

As I picked up the armour I was transported to the door of the dungeon “Well that was fun” I said as I started making my way back home. “When I get home I’m going to have words with the author, most heroes get to fight dragons, skeleton armies, Minotaurs. Not Gazebos and Snails!”

Author’s Note: Unfortunately Borien Steelbeard the Wizarian did not make it home; he was ambushed by a group of Therics (a blend of Thief & Cleric) who robbed him of his possessions, including the hireling, and left him for dead in the Forest of Walking Bananas, however his legacy lives on in the Book Lord of the Onion Rings by K S S Spelunkin