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Must Have Emergency Kits to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Whether it's zombies or raging dads, you're going to need to fight to get ahold of emergency kits to survive The Event.

I’m always telling my son Jarret: humanity isn’t prepared for climate change. Too much of the world is already Children of Men and there’s a chance we’re going to end up in The Road. If that happens, Jarret knows he's going to need to steal emergency kits. They will be the new currency. They’re packaged with everything you need to survive but they’re made to be portable. Nothing else is built that way. Jarret just says, “Dad, that’s not going to happen,” and then I say, “That’s exactly what they said about President Sex Criminal.” And then Jarret tells me to stop texting him links about emergency kits and to stop telling him Children of Men is already happening. 

Premium Family Emergency Survival Bag/Kit

This is like a pyramid of game show winnings that also happens to be one of the biggest emergency kits for you and all your family members. It comes with all the essential items: water filter, freeze-dried food for four, and even a portable stove. This is the kit you steal from the Home Depot when the shit hits the fan. Grab two and you can use one to bargain with scavengers! But be fast. 

Once people are infected with rage, things will go full-blown zombie movie. I'm talking full 28 Days Later. The living dead will roam the street with their humanity long forgotten. America has a deep history of atrocities that doesn't get talked about enough in the mainstream because the mainstream is an expression of our White supremacist patriarchy. Just listen to songs about police brutality to learn the truth. Americans are more comfortable with supporting and committing acts of violence than they let on. So if you want to survive, you're going to have to be comfortable punching people in the throat!

Emergency Case Premium Family 4 Person 4 Days Emergency Kit

This is one of the emergency kits that might be too big to steal from a Home Depot! Jarret's going to have to get a hand dolly to get this bad boy. Not only is this kit advertised as a means to survive natural disasters, it's also professionally designed! It surpasses FEMA preparedness guidelines, which is great for a scenario where FEMA ceases to exist! Where am I during all this? Well, if I haven't blown myself up like Michael Caine in Children of Men to protect Jarret, then I'm right there with him making sure he's safe. I'd give my life for my son no matter his age!

GetReadyNow Dog & People Car Emergency Survival Kit

This might seem like a step down from emergency kits that cost over a thousand dollars, but this kit is for your dog. Can you imagine losing your dog in a disaster?! It'd be heartbreaking. Jarret named our dog Xander, a rescue pitbull, after Vin Diesel's character in XXX, his favourite movie when he was 9. Xander is so pure and joyous, and he'd very helpful, too. Ooo, he has a little-wet nose and he'd nuzzle up right next to me as I sleep on a makeshift bed that's just a pile of clothes thrown together on top of a skeleton (things will get that bad!). What about puppy breath?! This is one thing Jarret and I agree on. Just make sure your pup stays away from wildflowers you shouldn't eat.

Wise Company 5-Day Survival Solar-Power Boost Backpack

This is one of the emergency kits to grab from the hands of a struggling father of three. THE EVENT HAS CHANGED YOU; YOU ARE NOT LIKE YOU WERE DURING THE BEFORE TIMES! This will be a fight to the death between two dads. And don't think the number of kids he has will make him stronger than me! Maybe, though, just maybe, the other dad hasn't been zombified with fear and we can join forces. NO PROMISES!

This backpack comes with built-in solar panels so you can charge things with a USB connection, which is great for making Instagram stories of your disaster. And if this is the sort of disaster that wipes out the internet, at least you'll have nice digital memories. "This is when the scavengers attacked. This is when they took Jarret. This is when I emerged from the bog. And this is when I exsanguinated their leader to assume dominance. It means I bled him out!" 

Augason Farms Deluxe Emergency 1-Year Food Supply (4 People)

Ideally this would be on the shelves of a survival bunker but, ideally, I'd also never have to use my survival bunker. So, if you find your property fire-bombed beyond belief and have to flee to The New Lands, load up your car and grab one of the most indispensable emergency preparedness kits. An emergency supply of potato gems, Morning Moo's® Low Fat Milk Alternative, blueberry pancakes? Honestly, this would be a lot of fun to eat were it not for the fact that you're likely to be hounded by vagabonds and strangers as you make your way through the moribund hellscape that was once America. 

Waterproof Hunting Jackets

If you're being hunted for a food and flesh farm, you're going to want to blend in to avoid being caught. You don't want to be put in a join or die situation! Once you get into flesh eating you're one of them! This is a fight for your life, so having some camouflage clothing at your disposal is a smart pick for your emergency kits. Also, they're waterproof, and a lot of non-food and flesh farm emergencies include water. So, cover all your bases! 

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

It can always get worse! You'll be wishing you were in The Walking Dead after you read The Road. Same goes for Jack London's To Build a Fire. Keep both of these in your emergency kit for perspective! I had Jarret read both of these. I signed The Road with, "I would do this for you." 

Ear Plugs

Sleep is very important. While one of you stands guard, you're going to want to get some solids Zs. Keep these in your emergency kits to recover after physically and emotionally exhaustive days. Although, feeling destroyed is the new normal. Find beauty in the little things, like a good night's rest. These are indispensable, so make sure to reuse them and not lose them! Oh, God, you can only take so much; do not lose these! SLEEP IS WHERE THE NIGHTMARES CAN STOP.

Hidden Flask

You're going to want alcohol in your emergency kits, but you're also going to want to keep your alcohol hidden. Buy these flasks. And if anyone asks you why you're drinking sunscreen, just say, "I'm losing it; OH THE HUMANITY!" Then toss them a copy of The Road. They'll get it. While drinking Purell is one of the worst life hacks that you should never try, feel free to toss someone the Purell to keep the good hootch to yourself. 

Lavender Oil

Fear is the mind killer. If you get paralyzed by fear in the event of an emergency, you're going to infect your crew with neurosis. Keep some essential oils in your emergency kits and take some time for yourself to relax. Lavender is an essential oil for high blood pressure, which is likely in this situation. Just rub the oil on your neck and your wrists and do some deep breathing exercises. Otherwise, you might get got by your own crew. Keep it together, Jarret! All we've got is each other now. 

Learn to disappear. There is no you. You're just a bundle of habits. The self is a habit. You are under no obligation to be who you are or were. Be the world instead. Focus on sounds, on feelings, on scents, on warmth. Feel the flame. The world does not get extinguished. Death is very real. And when death comes, you'll best be served by remembering how to disappear completely. Be the flame. Goodbye, Jarret; goodbye.

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