What Is Dead May Never Die

My boyfriend Dontae and I were late on the Game on Thrones train. It wasn’t until the end of 2014 (mid fourth season, I think) that we actually started watching it. Netflix was king in our house due to the fact that we didn’t have cable. After hearing about it just about everywhere, as well as wrapping up Revenge (another show we've gotten into lately) we decided to dive right in. Although it started off slow, we were almost instantly hooked. Together we binge watched the first few seasons, now joining in GOT conversations with friends, as well as having our own mini debates amongst ourselves. Both loving everything from the scenery, costumes, bloody death scenes/ fights, and all the debauchery in between. From there, Game of Thrones took center stage. Almost every night, coming home from work (even weekends), we watched episode after episode, totally engulfed in the worlds of Westeros and Essos. Many nights we’d look at each other, and ask ourselves, “We can watch ONE more episode, right?” as if sleeping for work would cause us to miss a great battle, or a clue as to who was inching closer to the Iron Throne. Even up until the time Dontae became ill, and was diagnosed with a rare blood pressure disorder called Pulmonary Hypertension. Not being able to move around as much as he was used to, GOT took on a more meaningful tone. It helped us escape our reality of doctor visits and specialists. In the spring of 2016, we were invited to a GOT watch party. Season six was just getting started, and we didn’t want to wait the extra months once it came out on Netflix. Now considering ourselves somewhat experts on the show, we were delighted to go. There we competed in trivia games, ate food and snacks that were GOT themed, even taking home dire wolf souvenirs (in honor of our favorite family, The Starks). Unbeknownst to us, it was one of the last outings we would have before Dontae succumbed to the disease that June.

Afterwards, I stopped watching GOT. A show I loved was now an emotional trigger. Honestly part of me felt like I could no longer watch it, especially without my Tae. I still heard the typical, water-cooler conversations, but completely tuned them out at that point. A friend of mine (who also watched the show) had asked me about an episode. I explained to them that I hadn’t watched it, that it became too painful to watch. “That’s understandable, maybe one day, when it gets a little easier to bear, you can.” “I guess.” I mumbled, not really giving it too much thought. It wasn’t until a year later when I was starting to come out of my emotional coma that Netflix recommended it as I show I’d like to watch. Bracing myself I put the rest of season six (which I didn’t finish) on my queue. Finally getting enough nerve to press play, the theme song started to play, and I immediately paused it. I started to tear up as flashbacks of him telling me to hurry from the kitchen before I missed the beginning, or of him asking if I caught any clues in the intro. I took a deep breath, and almost as if he was still sitting beside me I faintly heard him say “It’s okay, babe.” I pressed play again, and watched the episode. Although it still felt a little strange, it was like a sign to me that is was okay to get back to enjoying the things I love. Even though he was physically gone, I felt his presence the most when I remembered all the things he loved, and the things we did together. It made me feel closer to him. Fast forward three years later, and I’m finally nearing the end of the series. I’m not sure how it will play out, but I'll see it through till the end, and I KNOW he’ll be watching with me.