When I Was 19 'Drive' Released Something out of Me

Picture this: You're 2 years out of high school and you have no job while taking a break from college because of some money issues. You're still recovering from your very first heartbreak and have no girlfriend. You have hardly any friends. All you do is apply for jobs that reject you and won't call you back because all you do is stay at home and watch Netflix. Now while you're looking for something to watch since you don't feel like watching another episode of How I Met Your Mother, you find this movie, Drive. You heard good things about it and it was played at a few film festivals but you're not expecting much from it.

This is what happened to me after I watched Drive. It not only made me want to watch more movies with Ryan Gosling but it brought out an emotional experience for me that changed the person I was and made me the man I am today.

I remember watching it for the first time and having this weird feeling, it was like I was Driver. I think it was the first time that I genuinely lived vicariously through someone else. I kinda never thought I would be able to do this, not just as an actor but as a person in general. I never thought I'd be so invested in someone who doesn't speak all that much and only uses his eyes to communicate.

After seeing the movie, I tried to use my eyes to talk and not use my mouth at all. My family thought I was having an attitude about something when really, I wasn't. Then the more time went by and more life experiences happened, I noticed part of the soundtrack would creep in a little since I used to listen to it a lot when I was 19. For example, when I'm awake at night and wandering, I listen to "Nightcall" by Kavinsky but when I was 19 I mostly listened to it while it was dark and I was on the way back from school.

Another song I used to listen to a lot was, "Under Your Spell" by Desire. When I listened to it a lot at first, it was to think about my future girlfriend and hoping that she's thinking of me. So basically, I was kinda lovesick. I don't listen to it as much as I used to anymore but when I do it's probably because I'm wondering if a gal I like feels the same way about me or maybe I have really strong feelings for someone.

Now, I'm quiet most of the time because I use my eyes more than I use my mouth. I think even when my family told me to lose the "attitude", my practice of me using my eyes paid off. A lot has happened to me since I was 19 so I feel like I should use my eyes more than I should talk. When I like someone, my eyes do this thing where I end up looking at the ground but I smile and when it's time to look at her, my smile lights up a little more.

When I'm mean to someone, my eyes just look at them. There's like a quiet rage going on and my face is stoic. Almost like my eyes should freeze them in their tracks. I'm not as good at talking as I used to be, and I do miss those days sometimes. I don't like talking because I hate it when I say something and it just flies out of the window or into people's one ear and goes out their other so my actions are a better speaker than I am.