Why I Wouldn't Want to Live in the Harry Potter Universe

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely loved the Harry Potter saga. I enjoyed each and every one of those seven books. Never will you find me denying the genius that is J.K. Rowling. She created a universe which almost everyone wishes existed. Hell, if I got my Hogwarts letter, I’d abandon everything I have and buy my ticket to the Hogwarts Express within two shakes of a Hippogriff’s tail. The impact that Harry Potter had on the entire planet was beyond anything people have ever experienced and probably ever will experience in this lifetime.

However, creating such a universe makes for a lot of scrutiny. Harry Potter is no exception. Even a rudimentary scan of the Harry Potter universe makes us realize why living there would be an absolute nightmare and why the muggle world is actually so much better and superior to the wizarding world in just, oh so many ways.

Muggle technology is largely rejected by wizards. When it comes to modes of communication, for instance, I find that cell phones, telephones, and emails are far superior to owl post in every way, shape, and form.

In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry, while giving an exam at Hogwarts, passes out and dreams that his godfather, Sirius Black, has been kidnapped and is being tortured by professional badass/douche-bag, Lord Voldemort, for information. This was just a dream and not reality, as was discovered much later by Harry. In his efforts to save Sirius from a situation that never existed in the first place, Harry and a group of his friends rush to the Department of Mysteries, where a group of Death Eaters soon arrive. A large fight ensues in which Sirius Black meets his tragic demise.

Now, let us pretend that wizards used cell phones. Or more specifically, let us pretend that Harry and Sirius used cell phones.

Harry rushes out of his exam hall. He calls Sirius up.

“Sirius, are you OK? I just had a dream that Lord Voldemort had kidnapped you and was torturing you,” said Harry.

“Don’t worry. I am alive and well here at Grimmauld Place. Just tending to Buckbeak. It was just a dream, Harry,” Sirius reassured Harry.

There we go! Problem solved! Tragedy avoided! Harry still has his godfather!

Setting aside modes of communication, you might find yourself convinced that the modes of transportation muggles use are far superior to the ones used by wizards. I don’t care how sleek the Firebolt or Nimbus Two Thousands are, I would much rather ride in a car or an aero plane than a broom stuck between my legs. Alright, I will give the benefit to Quidditch. It’s a sport played on brooms on which you can fly. For sports, perhaps brooms are the right way to go but for actual travel, why not use a car, motorcycle or an airplane.

When Rubeus Hagrid first met Harry, he described Hogwarts as the “finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world”.

On that note, a little bit about the character of Gilderoy Lockhart. He was inept, arrogant, and downright hilarious. He was also the defense against the dark arts teacher in Harry’s second year at Hogwarts. In his classes, he simply bragged and boasted about his fake conquests. He “read passages from his books and sometimes re-enacted some of the more dramatic bits.” Did the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry not have some curriculum that the teachers needed to complete in a particular year? Was Albus Dumbledore, the supposedly greatest headmaster that Hogwarts had ever had, not even slightly concerned that his students were not learning anything?

Speaking of teachers, Severus Snape was a mighty oddball wasn’t he? He loved Lily Potter. He loved her so much that after her death, he spent years protecting her son Harry despite how much he loathed the man Lily had married, James Potter. In fact, if we count the times Snape saved Harry’s life, it would make quite the list (saving him from Quirrell, not making him take verisaterum when Harry was being questioned by Dolores Umbridge etc.). However, his very approach and demeanor, is so intimidating that he is the very physical manifestation of fear for a particular student, one Neville Longbottom. When asked what he fears the most by Remus Lupin, Neville replies “Professor Snape.” While most students in his class fear zombies, man eating spiders, werewolves, banshees and other things pulled straight out of someone’s nightmare, Neville fears his teacher. Is it because Neville is a complete pussy or because Snape is an asshole? I’ll go with the latter. He yells, blatantly favors Slytherin students over others and is very mean to all students not in his house. Call me crazy, but I feel a good teacher will be friendly, open, and unbiased to all students. Instead of scaring the living holy crap out of them, he should try to be a bit more approachable and friendly.

As the series progressed, we constantly learned new ways to invade peoples’ privacy. Invisibility cloaks, imperius curses, polyjuice potions, and the Marauder’s Map to name a few. Let us examine the potential dangers of these.

The Marauder’s Map was a plot device that allowed our hero to roam the grounds of Hogwarts undetected as it told him the location of almost everyone in the school at any point in time. This, ladies & gentleman, is a very grave invasion of privacy. Although the map only told the reader the "location" of the people, it isn’t hard to guess what they are doing based on that piece of information alone. This idea was not missed by the people who made the movie, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. After the movie ends, as the credits start to roll, the following image of the Marauder’s Map is shown.

The Easter Egg Some Might Have Missed!

On the bottom left corner, you can clearly see two people bumping uglies. I can just imagine Fred and George Weasley seeing that and singing out loud, “Look who’s screwing in the toilet.” If there are two people at Hogwarts who want to keep their relationship a secret, thanks to the Marauder’s Map, they can kiss their privacy goodbye.

On the subject of the Marauder’s Map, you might yourself wondering how much Fred and George Weasley really cared about their younger brother, Ron. Let us examine: Ron has a pet rat named Scabbers who was later revealed to be the traitorous Peter Pettigrew. In the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Marauder’s Map reveals Scabbers to be Peter Pettigrew while he is still scooting around the Hogwarts grounds in the shape of a rat. The Map actually reveals the true identity of Scabbers. The Map says, “Peter Pettigrew” and not “Scabbers.”

Now let us take a step back. Ron had Scabbers as a pet since his first year at Hogwarts. They used to sleep in the same bed. In their shenanigans, it is hard to believe that Fred and George never spotted Ron and Peter Pettigrew sleeping in the same bed night after night, every night of the year. Or perhaps they did notice and never raised an objection.

Speaking of invasion of privacy, the implications of the polyjuice potion and imperius curse are actually mind blowingly infinite.

The imperius curse is the mother of all hypnotism tricks. It is a mind trick so advanced that it can allow one person to control another and make them do actions completely against their will. Perhaps you don’t want to rob a bank. But the person skilled at the imperius curse does want to rob a bank. You are now under his control.

This is probably not going to end well.

The Polyjuice Potion allows the user to perfectly imitate another person. Imagine living in a world where all you need is a lock of someone’s hair to perfectly imitate them physically. You think you are talking to your mother but it could be someone else who has kidnapped her, locked her up in a basement, and is now pretending to be her for some nefarious purpose.

The possibilities are infinite!

Our Heroine, Hermione Granger, whipped up just such a potion in the Chamber of Secrets and used it on two ancillary characters, Crabbe and Goyle. OK, maybe her heart was in the right place and she just wanted to find out who was attacking muggle borns at Hogwarts. However, do the ends always justify the means? Let us recount. The trio of Harry, Ron, and Hermione drugged two boys, causing them to faint. Then Harry and Ron assumed their identities. They pretended to be the two boys and spoke to Draco Malfoy to get information out of him.

Identity theft and coercion…very serious crimes!

Implications of the Polyjuice Potion can be extended to other means as well. In the Deathly Hallows, our hero, Harry Potter, found himself at the receiving end of unwanted sexual advances of one, Ms. Romilda Vane. Romilda goes so far as to try and trick Harry into taking a love potion by spiking some chocolate with it. This would have turned him into a brainless, lust-filled zombie whose entire existence would then revolve around herself. Harry sees the ruse and does not eat the chocolate. Harry, on the other hand was actually interested in Ginny Weasley.

Now let us pretend that Romilda was a bit more conniving and wouldn’t stop at anything to get Harry. Let us say she was good at brewing up polyjuice potions. One lock of Ginny’s hair and the rest would be history.

Granted nothing of the sort ever happened in the books, but anyone conniving enough could think of it.

Imagine living in a world where every person you speak to could have taken a polyjuice potion or be under the imperius curse. Trust no one!

On a similar note, it is absolutely horrifying to see how easy it is to commit the atrocious crime of rape in the Harry Potter universe. Fred and George Weasley open a joke shop in which they blatantly sell “Love Potions.”

“Love Potions.”

What exactly are Love Potions?

In the words of Harry Potter Wiki, Love Potions are “brews which cause the drinker to become infatuated or obsessed with the person who gave it to them.”

This, ladies & gentlemen, is the perfect definition of a date rape drug. In the real world, the crime of date rape is punishable by multiple years in prison and hefty fines (some might rightfully find these sentences far too lenient).

In the Half-Blood Prince, Harry takes a literal trip down memory lane in a pensieve with Albus Dumbledore. In his initial trip, he sees Lord Voldemort’s mother, Merope Gaunt. In Harry’s words, he had never seen a “more defeated looking person.” A few minutes later, he sees Voldemort’s biological father, Tom Riddle Senior, for the first time. Tom Riddle Senior is described as a handsome muggle who liked to go horseback riding. On comparing the two, Harry “could not imagine two people less likely to fall in love.” He was way out of her league.

Yet, Merope the witch did it. She got the man of her dreams. Not through her charms or any honest means, but through a love potion, AKA, a date rape drug.

For those of you who think this is funny, it really isn’t. While male-on-female rape is more commonly reported, female-on-male rape is a very serious underreported crime in the real world as well (check Wikipedia for the grisly details). Male victims of rape usually do not report the crime for fear of being ridiculed and laughed at.

And this is exactly what happened in Harry Potter. Merope Gaunt, a poor destitute uneducated witch, tricked a man who had absolutely no interest in her, into taking a love potion. This caused the aforementioned gentleman to fall madly in love with her. These were not two consenting adults. One of them was and the other wasn’t. This makes Merope Gaunt, a rapist and Tom Riddle Senior, a rape victim. This unfortunate, coerced relationship resulted in the birth of possibly the biggest douche the Wizarding world ever knew, Lord Voldemort himself.

Romilda Vane, as mentioned before, was obsessed with Harry Potter. This is what happened: an underage girl walked into a shop and easily bought a date rape drug (love potion) which she intended to give make an underage boy drink without his knowledge.

How easy!

Granted she did not succeed, but she very easily could have. As the saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try & try again.” Had she been persistent enough, she would most probably have succeeded.

To illustrate how serious the effects of such a love potion are, in the Half Blood Prince, Ron Weasley accidentally eats the love potion-laced chocolates intended for Harry. Within seconds, he completely loses his mind and physically assaults Harry by punching him hard in the face because he thought Harry was making fun of Romilda. That’s right…this love potion inspired a love so fierce that it would cause the taker to actually resort to violence to defend his love’s honor. And it doesn’t take a lot to prompt the user to become violent. Just say the wrong word and you’re there.

Bearing in mind how openly these drugs are sold in the world of Harry Potter, it is hard to believe that the crime of date rape is not attempted on a more frequent basis. If I have not made it amply clear, then I must unequivocally state: Love potions are wrong! They should not exist. If you want to make someone like you, there are other better ways of winning them over. Charm them, talk to them and be nice to them…but whatever you do, please oh please, do not make them take a love potion without their knowledge…that is rape!

So any food you eat or any drink you drink in the Harry Potter universe might have a touch of Love Potion in it, which will turn you into a brainless, mindless sex-craved zombie lusting after one person.

Call me crazy, but I am very glad that Harry Potter universe is a work of fiction!