A Message for People Spoiling 'Avengers: Endgame'

Recently, I published my spoiler-free review of Avengers: Endgame, the film that's been breaking box office records all over the world.

After the world premiere of the film, I stopped reading comments on Endgame-related social media posts. Then, the night before it came out, I deleted Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram from my phone. Why would I do something like that to myself? SPOILERS.

Spoilers are the worst people to walk the face of the Earth. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than in an Endgame-related social media post.

Luckily, I did not have this film spoiled for me, and when I redownloaded my social media apps, I found people dropping spoilers in comments left and right. And even though it didn't ruin anything for ME, it still pissed me the fuck off, so I'm gonna write a little message to the people spoiling Endgame. No Endgame spoilers in this article.

Let's begin.

What's up, asshole? How have you been doing with your depressing life? Oh, it's rainy, you say? Well, I'm sure it's always rainy under that stupid-ass dark cloud that follows you wherever you walk.

Before Endgame came out, there was this big movement on social media. #DontSpoilTheEndgame was being tweeted by the Russo brothers and people all over the internet. Because nobody wanted this movie spoiled for them.

And once this big campaign spread around, I guess you dumbass mofos read this and thought, "Wait, DON'T spoil the Endgame? Well, that doesn't make sense because EVERYONE loves when movies are spoiled for them! They must be using reverse psychology!"

So after you read about it, you (you underserving fuck) went out and watched Endgame. And you liked it. You liked it a lot. So you decided that NO ONE ELSE on the planet is allowed to have as much joy as you did.

What do you do? You take a quick break from torturing your collection of innocent animals and you decide to write a little comment. You go and you write, "[CENSORED] dies in Endgame."

And now, you feel accomplished. You're the king of the world. Top of the heap. You are the peak of human evolution. You know why? Because you ruined an experience that everyone around the world would have loved to have.

Come on, think about it. EVERYONE loves you now! There are TONS of people who say, "I love when a valuable experience gets ruined for me!" You're on your way to winning a fucking Nobel prize for what you've done. You did God's work there, asshole.

But then, right after you finish eating your pet cow's udder, you start to wonder, "Hey. Why did I do something like that? Is it because I was the most unpopular kid in grade school or because my mom hated me and used to throw plastic spoons at me when she was angry?"

You mull over the mystery and dig deep into your mind for what motivated you to ruin somebody's day. You think, "Did I want respect? Did I just want somebody to notice me and my pathetic life for once?"

But then, slowly, the answer comes to you for why you would post a spoiler in a comments section: "Oh... I'm just an asshole."

Now, I've seen some people say, "Why are you scrolling through the comments on social media if you haven't seen Endgame yet? Shouldn't you expect spoilers?"

But think about what you're saying: "I can pointlessly write a spoiler in a comments section all I want! It's the fault of thousands of people for reading my comment! THOSE are the bad people in this situation!"

Okay, but seriously now, how low of a person do you have to be to ruin fun for other people for no reason? You don't gain anything from it. You're just taking away from other people.

Don't be an asshole. Is that so hard? Quit being an asshole and let people enjoy a movie. You watched this movie and you loved it. How fucking sick do you have to be to try your best to stop other people from having the same experience as you did?

I mean, hell, I don't know. Maybe you're used to enjoying yourself, only to have other people not feel the same way and instead just feel slightly pissed at the fact that you exist.

Honestly, though, if you spoil Endgame, fuck off. I watched the movie and I didn't spoil it for anyone. You should have the decency to do the same.

And that's it! Toodles.