The Signs as Dana Scully's Season One Outfits

Aries

The Snow Bunny (Episode 8, “Ice”)

As the flagship of this analysis, this look is for an adventurous, confident, enthusiastic, responsible, and caring leader. The Snow Bunny is ready for action, sensible yet stylish, as seen in the fur hood and color coordinated accessories. Here’s a look that says, loud and clear, “Which way to the laboratory?” This outfit is direct, candid, and ready to get things started; guaranteed, the Snow Bunny has several pairs of socks and some long johns under that jacket.

The Deconstructed Snow Bunny (Episode 8, “Ice”)

Here we have the business going on under the Snow Bunny: black thermal and casual flannel that still matches the overall aesthetic. This is an outfit that is prepared for whatever comes its way, much like the original Snow Bunny, only now the thing has started and it’s time to get down to it. This look says, “I have found the laboratory,” so wear this if you’ll be doing any chemical analyses, grave digging, or skate tricks. Roll up your sleeves, put your hair up, and get it done.

Taurus

Denim Tuxedo (Episode 2, “Deep Throat”)

How much do you want to bet this is a double denim look? (I hope you bet a hundred thousand dollars because it’s true. I’ve seen the episode.) This Taurus look is reliable and determined; this is an outfit you can paint your house in, but also something you can wear to burn down your ex’s house, if you were so inclined. The white undershirt screams security, while the effortless, slightly messy look of the undone collar says, “I am so down to earth, I’ve come out the other side.”

The Blue Lunch Date Suit (Episode 3, “Squeeze”)

The perfect amount of classy and chill for any Taurus; the wide, round lapels are playful and wholesome, while the peek of buttoned cuff through the sleeve is just daring enough without trying too hard. This is a structured look, straightforward and unrelenting: no frills, no embellishment, just hardworking shoulder pads and a utilitarian V-neck. It's perfect for catching up with old schoolmates, or, say, confronting someone about stealing office supplies.

Gemini

The Double Breasted Green Skirt-Suit (Episode 9, “Space”)

Ah, the charming duality of the Gemini. This green and black look perfectly captures the keen, intuitive, often demanding nature of Geminis, calling to mind power moves such as revealing a Royal Flush in competitive poker, or carrying a sword around your house. This outfit says, “Just because I shouldn’t pay a three hundred dollar ticket in coins doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it.” Wear this look if you plan on paying a three hundred dollar ticket in coins.

Government Hearing Chic (Episode 10, “Fallen Angel”)

Soft and assertive in one contradictory package, this look says “Don’t mess with me because I can fake cry and make you feel bad which will in turn get me exactly what I want.” If you can’t cry on demand, a sad story will have the same effect. This outfit commands respect, but a misleading kind of respect, where you don’t even know you respect someone but you’d do anything they say no questions asked. Wear this if you’re filing for divorce and you don’t feel bad about it.

Cancer

The Marshmallow (Episode 20, “Darkness Falls”)

Another contradictory look, the Marshmallow is both gentle safe-space and tough outer-shell. This is a protective outfit, shielding the sensitive sentience within. And yet, the Marshmallow is romantic and revealing in that it gives off a sense of fantasy and imagination. It’s easy to get lost in this look; it says “Who wants to get Slurpees after?” Because of these qualities, the Marshmallow is on the bright, brilliant side of the Cancer spectrum.

Do These Shades of Black Match? (Episode 19, “Shapes”)

Much like the Marshmallow, this look is safe and protective, but falls on the somber, reserved side of the Cancer spectrum. This is a look that says “I’m romantic and sentimental but I can still kick your ass.” Combined with the Marshmallow, this look illustrates the Cancer’s struggle: their desire to be extra versus their natural inclination to be incredibly low-key.

Leo

Red Power Suit (Episode 4, “Conduit”)

Here we have a dominant, extroverted look. This look screams “Admire me from afar, but don’t even think of speaking to me unless you have something interesting to say or are going to compliment me.” The gray top attempts to soften the overall look, but the gold buttons — seemingly placed in obvious view and existing for no real reason at all — bring it back into “look at me” territory.

The “Hoping We Get Married” Date Night Look (Episode 5, “Jersey Devil”)

The face says “Oh no, you’re boring,” but the outfit says, “I can make it work.” This is a look that knows what it wants and is going to use all its resources to get it. If this look had a favorite show it would be America’s Next Top Model because it wants to be on top. This ensemble is perfect for unveiling a new wing on the MOMA, or finally burning that shoebox full of photos of your ex.

Virgo

Deep Purple (Episode 4, “Conduit”)

Modest, angelic, self-contained, and practical: this look says, “I’m here to do my job and go home. That’s it.” This is a look that would sharply and succinctly turn you away if you came in after closing time. This look has all its ducks in a row and will do everything to keep them that way. Best suited for desk work, Deep Purple is suppressed but elegant, in a mildly cold, distant sort of fashion.

Gold Star (Episode 23, “Roland”)

Innocent and neutral, yet curious and interested, this look says, “Yes, I’ll do that thing but only because I want to.” This look is sometimes challenged by philosophical questions, taking on too many opinions and becoming discouraged. Yet, the gold stars evoke a natural astuteness, a realism that toes the line between overwhelmed and exact. Wear this if you plan on doing a puzzle, or visiting your mother. Ideally, wear this while doing a puzzle with your mother.

Libra

Purple Thunder (I can’t remember what episode this is from. Hit me up if you know.)

This is an outfit you can project your emotions onto, as Libras are intuitive and sensitive to the feelings of others. Creative, artistic, but in a way that evokes custom greeting cards or local art fairs rather than the Avant Garde or, say, metalworks. This is a look that stays away from extremes, but is still interested in getting out there and making something of itself.

Black and Tan (Episode 22, “Born Again”)

Here’s a look that has it balanced: the Black and Tan evokes the unity and cooperation of, well, a black and tan. Perfect for Libras who lack stability, this look says, “Hey, I’m structured and tailored and I’m here to listen.”

Scorpio

The Seething Intensity of Emotional Energy Suit (Episode 7, “Ghost in the Machine”)

Differing from the Red Leo Power Suit, the Seething Intensity of Emotional Energy Suit is the calm exterior masking the fury within. This is a look that can be used for good or evil, the Pandora’s Box of power suits. Black velvet accents assist this look in its aggressive nature, demanding attention from all who look upon it. This is a look that says “Get out of my way before I set this whole goddamn place on fire.”

Seduce and Destroy (Episode 7, “Ghost in the Machine”)

At a roast-style gathering, this look would most definitely not follow up an insult with a joke. It would just roast you all night and not apologize for it. This look would not let you know you’ve got something in your teeth, especially if you’re going to be photographed. This is a look you go to if you need someone beat up in an alley. If you disrespect this look, you are one hundred percent going to die. This look says, “I’m not all bad, but also I am.”

Sagittarius

Hey, Did You Catch NPR This Morning? (Episode 5, “Jersey Devil”)

This outfit is an underdog: ambitious (if that suede vest isn’t ambitious, I don’t know what is), dedicated, open-minded, but moral. This look probably wants to sell you weed. This look definitely wants to talk to you about sustainable farming. This look says, “I can adapt, and I can also give you twenty reasons why you should adapt as well.”

Hey, Did You Watch 60 Minutes Last Night? (Episode 6, “Shadows”)

Mustard shirt knows what you’ve done and won’t judge you for it. Mustard shirt understands that we’ve all got to fight for what we believe in, as long as your beliefs don’t hurt anybody. Mustard shirt has a “Who Adopted Who?” sticker on its car. Mustard shirt always thanks its mail carrier. Mustard shirt says, “Are you aware the bees are dying?” and convinces you to buy a Prius when what you really wanted was a Hummer.

Capricorn

Dr. Scully (Episode 10, “Fallen Angel”)

This is easily the most Capricorn look in existence, or at least within the context of “Fallen Angel.” In this sequence, Dr. Scully has just returned after spending the night assisting in a Wisconsin emergency room, attempting to save a handful of soldiers with severe radiation burns. This look says, “You can trust me, I’m a medical doctor.” Dark colors, concrete tailoring, structured lines — this is a look you can demand answers in. Wear this outfit if you need to take control of an emergency situation, or if you’re going in to ask for a pay raise.

Spinster Hair (Episode 3, “Squeeze”)

This is a skeptical look. This look says, “Show me the receipts.” By wearing the hair up, one frees up the neck cords to protrude, asserting a quiet dominance and allowing others to become aware of your subtle anger. The unbuttoned jacket displays carefree elements, but the tight, high collar speaks to a reserved nature and an interest in traditional work-wear options. Overall, this outfit says, “I may look polished and emotionally stable, but I possess a rampant tendency to ruin everything and anything I possibly can.”

Aquarius

Kindergartener at Her New Government Job (Episode 1, “Pilot”)

This look wants the Truth. It loves its solar powered watch and will not hesitate to let everyone know it only paid 20 dollars for it. This look says, “I’ll take suggestions but don’t tell me how to do my job.” This look always says “please” and “thank you.” Wear this if you’re presenting your senior thesis, or if you’re asking that man if he bothered to read your senior thesis. Muted gray shades demonstrate the gentle, patient nature of this look, but also smartly camouflage the potential for some real psychic, creative energy.

First Day of Third Grade (Episode 1, “Pilot”)

This look wants the Truth, but it also wants to have a good time. This look is here to party, right after it finishes its chores. Concise, logical, intelligent, yet exuberant and glowing with friendly magnetism, this look says, “I’m headed to the joint barn dance/poetry slam. I can drop you at your house if you need a ride.” (Completely unrelated, the look on the right says, “Wanna see my graphing calculator? It’s a TI-83.”)

Pisces

Not Without My Loafers (Episode 4, “Conduit”)

Pisces: inarguably the most important sign in the entire zodiac. (Now you say, “But Lauren, aren’t you a Pisces? Your bias is getting in the way of your writing skills,” and I tell you to shut your big, incorrect mouth don’t ever say that to me who told you that get out of my house). Often forgotten, and ridiculed for being sensitive and intuitive, the ideal Pisces look is intriguing without being flashy. This is an outfit you can wear while you sob uncontrollably at the most beautiful leaf you’ve ever seen in the world.

The Snooping Suit (Episode 3, “Squeeze”)

I know what you’re thinking: this charming yet utilitarian suit seems in complete contradiction to the curious, intellectual, and romantic nature of the Pisces. And I’m here to tell you: not true. The simplicity of the brown suit is perfect for your favorite Pisces. this look says “Hey, guys, want to play Nancy Drew? I brought extra flashlights!” This is a look that encapsulates the innocence of the Pisces — the delicate, spiritual elements of a Piscean consciousness. Perfect for the art museum or a night of galactic bowling, wear this look if you find yourself suddenly writing poetry, or if you find yourself considering an herb garden. Definitely wear this look if you feel like crying.